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| 12.20.04 (3:40 pm) [edit] |
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UPDATED: Thanks everyone for their feedback and personal stories about how I should respond to my father's card. I sent a holiday card saying "Send a note saying that I am not closing the door on the relationship, but right now I cannot deal with bringing in any additional potential stress into my life. Best Wishes for a Happy Holiday Season to your family" (And I spelled my name correctly. LOL) First, I wanted to thank everyone for their 2cents worth on my friend "S". I'm going to have coffee with her tomorrow and I'll pass along your thoughts. Hopefully, it will give her further perspective... Now a situation of my own personal nature. I would love some feedback. Some background first: I haven't spoken to my father in 61/2 years. He turned his back on me in the lowest point of my life because of his own selfishness. Prior to that, our relationship was turbulent at best. I didn't speak to him from the time I was 13 - 20 either. He wasn't exactly 'Father of the Year' and went on with his new 'family' without any regard for me. I called him in May to ask him to participate in a Genetic Lupus study. We spoke for a little bit when he started in on his same old behavior (blame and manipulation). He said it have been 4 years (It was 6 years 5/25/98.) and he was clueless as to the reason for the falling out. His final words to me (before I said "Goodbye" and hung up) were "You've embarrassed me in front of MY family." I found that rather ironic considering that I am his only flesh and blood and living relative. (He has 4 stepsons and he lives not 10 minutes away from me.) After I hung up, I felt a sense of closure. I no longer craved that one day he would call. Or that I needed him. I realized that I was much better off without him in my life. I didn't send him a birthday card in August for the first time EVER. (I still sent bday and xmas cards annually to keep the line of communication open.) My birthday is a week after his - and I would always get a card signed by his wife. This year - a card from him. I didn't reply. Fast forward. Today. Card from him. It says: "All the kids ask about you. Why don't you give me a call or send me an email. I would really like to see you. I'm really not sure you want me to call or even hear from me. Dad" 1) "All the kids" = my 4 stepbrothers and their wives/kids who I have never had any sort of relationship with other than 2 who have been rather negative. Is that supposed to suddenly compell me? 2) He has 'his family'. He's not once commented on regret regarding our relationship or even acknowledged what happened. 3) I haven't referred to him as "Dad" since I was 12. It irritated him no end. That wasn't why I did it - I just thing "Dad" is a term of endearment. And "Father" is a term of respect. He wasn't fitting into either category in my book. 4) He spelled my name wrong on the envelope. 5) The #1 thing I am supposed to do with my illness is AVOID STRESS. He is synonymous with stress and pain and frustration in my life. I am not interested in communicating with him at this time. I'm not going to say "never", but for now, I have more than enough on my plate. I need people in my life who support and love me, not try to break me down and blame me. So... my options: 1) Do nothing 2) Send a generic card with no message 3) Send a note saying that I am not closing the door on the relationship, but right now I cannot deal with bringing in any further turmoil/stress into my life. Thoughts? |
posted by: NurseNancy (reply)
post date: 12.20.04 (2:04 pm)
#3, imho
posted by: posaunegr (reply)
post date: 12.20.04 (2:22 pm)
#3.
posted by: baileydog (reply)
post date: 12.20.04 (3:20 pm)
#3 sounds good. i myself have a grandfather i've never met, cause he left my father and siblings when he was 5. guess dad never forgave him. sounds like your dad is reaching out for you but wants you to make the move.
posted by: lynne (reply)
post date: 12.20.04 (4:56 pm)
argh. This is the third time I am trying to enter a post. grrrr.
Count me in with the #3 crowd. I like it because it is honest without blaming.
posted by: Sybil (reply)
post date: 12.20.04 (6:04 pm)
Your synopsis of the history you have with your father has a definate "flavor."
It says to me that you are; Angry, hurt, and not in a forgiving frame of mind.
We all respond to these kinds of things differently. For myself, I would not choose any of the three options, but would most likely write however long a letter it takes to cleanse my soul of the bitterness and anger...including each and every issue, from the first, right up to the last.
I'm a believer in the concept that harbouring resentment and negativity impedes physical health and well being.
It may be draining and exhausting to get it all out and onto paper, but once you do, it will be done.
If he cares enough to warrant your attention in the future, he will somehow address your feelings.
As you requested, these are just my thoughts on it.
posted by: FinalyFree (reply)
post date: 12.20.04 (6:10 pm)
I like Sybil's idea, sort of a soul cleansing and a bit of closure for now.
But if I had to pick an option I would follow suit and pick #3.
posted by: LarryConley (reply)
post date: 12.20.04 (10:42 pm)
He keeps turning up like a bad penny just when you DON'T need the stress don't he.. I'd go with #2
posted by: GottaLuvMe830 (reply)
post date: 12.21.04 (4:07 am)
I do like the cleansing letter if u are up to it but if not do #3 cuz he needs some type of response cuz he could just keep sending letters or call or just show up when u really like u said DONT need the stress right now!
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 12.21.04 (4:16 am)
Reply to: NurseNancy
TY
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 12.21.04 (4:16 am)
Reply to: posaunegr
TY - MWAH
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 12.21.04 (4:17 am)
Reply to: baileydog
Thank you for sharing your personal story. I don't know if I would say that I have 'forgiven' him, but I let it go.
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 12.21.04 (4:18 am)
Reply to: lynne
Thank you for trying to post! 3rd time's a charm!
He will read whatever I write as blame. When you have a guilty conscience...
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 12.21.04 (4:26 am)
Reply to: Sybil
I've written letters to him in the past - ones that I sent and others that I didn't. He takes everything as a personal attack and blame. It's a no-win situation.
I used to be angry and hurt. I really don't feel that at all. (Although I am irked about him misspelling my name!!!)
I let it go in May. I used to hope that I'd hear from him on my bday or other holidays. Didn't even occur to me this year. I don't miss him. I realized that he is incapable of being a father to me and unwilling to accept me unconditionally.
I don't feel hurt, hopeful or bitter. I feel nothing where he is concerned. I listed some of his behaviors in the past to give an idea of how conditional his attention/love was.
I'm actually glad that I made the choice to pursue my education my way. I'm proud of it. It irritated him to no end when he said that I could have had it a lot easier and I replied that I wouldn't change a thing.
My conscience and heart are clear when it comes to him. I am fortunate to have several other men that are in my life that fill my paternal needs (except the inheritance - lol).
Thank you for your insight. It gave me cause to reflect.
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 12.21.04 (4:30 am)
Reply to: FinalyFree
I felt closure in May when I said "goodbye". This relationship has been rocky since I was 10 or so. I've written countless letters to him and they've only served as material for him to continue his attacks on me.
I journal a lot and have covered everything in there - sure, I wish that I had a supportive father, but life doesn't always work that way. Looking on the positive, it's made me stronger and I've learned to seek out others to create a support system/family of my own.
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 12.21.04 (4:32 am)
Reply to: LarryConley
What exactly is a bad penny? Is it one with that green sticky stuff on it that always sticks to other pennies? LOL
TY - I'm tossing it around.
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 12.21.04 (4:32 am)
Reply to: GottaLuvMe830
Good point.
posted by: chicalookate (reply)
post date: 12.21.04 (5:33 am)
I would have to say #3. It is non commital. It doesn't mean you have to have any contact with him.
posted by: Dstar (reply)
post date: 12.21.04 (5:37 am)
I kind of had a slightly similar situation with my dad. He was never very attentive unless he was showing off, never there when you need him type of guy. And, the thing that used to really bother me was when he would have family pictures taken (he was divorced from my mom and married again and had a couple of more kids) and not include me...even though I lived with him! Now, I was older than the other kids and maybe I was working when they had the pictures taken or something, but I never really could come up with a reason for that other than that I wasn't really part of "that" family.
I spent a lot of years basically using this as just one more thing to feel sorry for myself about. Believe me, it didn't take much for me to feel sorry for myself. I seldom missed the opportunity. Then a whole bunch of bad things happened to me and I spent the good part of a year doing nothing but being sad and depressed. Then I finally came out of it all, and one of the things that happened when I did was that I began to look at my dad in a completely different way. I realized that HE is the one who has something defective, not me. I think about my life and I realize that I have a better relationship with my ex-wife's stepfather than I do with my dad. That is my dad's loss. But, I don't really blame him any longer. Maybe I feel sorry for him a little, but I am honestly pretty ambivilant about the whole thing. I will go out to dinner with him, and we talk once in a while, but he isn't really important to me. That sounds pretty harsh, but I feel like that is a consequence of his decisions and actions throughout my life, not mine. So, I am pretty much guilt free and extremely happy.
Please don't think that anything I said here is any kind of implied judgement on your situation, because it was not meant to be that. I just thought maybe since I was able to see my dad as the big loser in all of this, it might just give you a different perspective to consider.
Regardless of what I think, whatever decision you make will have consequences, and that is the part you have to think about. Sometimes things we do are extremely hard to undo.
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 12.21.04 (5:51 am)
Reply to: Dstar
Thank you for sharing your experience...
I realized my father is an ass - he has had no communication with his brothers, step-mother or his nieces/nephews either for years. He told one of them that he has a new family now.
Do I detect a pattern here? LOL I realized it was him, not me. It was like a light went off! DING!
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 12.21.04 (5:51 am)
Reply to: chicalookate
I am definitely leaning that way. I'm working on the verbage in my head.
posted by: LarryConley (reply)
post date: 12.21.04 (8:04 am)
Reply to: ScubaDiva
http://www.bartleby.com/59/3/badpennyalwa.html
posted by: newbie (reply)
post date: 12.21.04 (8:09 am)
hire a couple of nice Italian gentlemen, named Vinny and Guido, to go and have a "talk" with him....that would ensure that he never talks to you again.
posted by: jennirae269 (reply)
post date: 12.21.04 (9:16 am)
I also would have to go with #3, however, I must add that it is pretty awful for your own father to spell your name wrong! My dad used to spell my name wrong, but I knew it was because he wasn't well educated and I took it as him loving me that he even took the effort to write my name on cards, etc., and not have my mom do it. No matter what happens, he is still your father, whether he is part of your life or not. I'm not real good on this subject, but my partner, PrincessLori is. She didn't speak to her father for like 3 years...and only made contact after my dad passed away, and she realized that he was the only father she had. You could contact her and she could share her thoughts with you.
posted by: angiekruger (reply)
post date: 12.21.04 (9:18 am)
i have a similar situation with my biological mother, dawn (i say biological because she left when i was 6 my sis was 4 and my bro was 2, and i have a step-mother whom i consider to be my mother) i've seen her maybe 10x since my parents divorced. she makes no effort with anyone. when my grandmother was on her deathbed, she didn't show. luckily, she pulled through, and when she actually did pass dawn decided to show. when my first son was born she visited for 10 min. hasn't seen him since or bothered to find out how he is. i used to try to have a relationship with her, but i've made my peace with it.
about a year or so ago, she became deathly ill with double pneumonia, the doc's gave her like a 10% chance to live. so, she had the nerve to get her friend to call and play a guilt trip on me to come visit her in the hospital. she was like "dawn really needs you, you'd better get here" i did nothing. i didn't call her. i didn't go see her. she was never there for me when i was a child or an adult. she didn't die either, she pulled through. and you would think that me not showing up would send her a message, or that she would realize that she would have a second chance with her children. but no. here's what she did, my brother had been living with her for a couple months. he stayed by her side at the hospital. when she got out, she kicked him out because she was tired of feeding him. there's nothing you can do hunni. don't even bother.
posted by: Sybil (reply)
post date: 12.21.04 (10:33 am)
Reply to: ScubaDiva
Wow Diva... look at what you wrote to me.
Reading that, it seems to me then that your choice is clear.
Do nothing. It's done and you're at peace.
Right?
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 12.21.04 (12:37 pm)
Reply to: Sybil
"It's done and you're at peace. Right?"
In a word, yep.
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 12.21.04 (12:43 pm)
Reply to: angiekruger
I'm sorry your bio mom was such a schlep. You're blessed with a great step-mother, and hopefully she's been able to step in 100%.
I realize I can't change him at all. I don't take it personally - except misspelling my name - he can't or won't help it.
We can move on! :)
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 12.21.04 (12:49 pm)
Reply to: jennirae269
That is really sweet that your dad took the effort to personalize your cards.
My father is a very well-educated and professional man. Misspelling my name is ridiculous. So we can't use that explanation...
Yes, he is the only father I have and I am the only biological child he has. No one is perfect (esp. parents). Just because they are a parent doesn't mean that they have your best interest at heart or love you...
I have my plate full dealing with my mother - I cannot juggle both of them and not be in a funny farm.
posted by: jennirae269 (reply)
post date: 12.21.04 (12:56 pm)
Reply to: ScubaDiva
How bad can the funny farm be? They don't call it "funny" for no reason right?
posted by: cAr1y (reply)
post date: 12.22.04 (5:38 am)
u should do #3!!
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 12.22.04 (7:36 am)
Reply to: cAr1y
I already did #3 - mailed it yesterday. Thanks for your support!
by Redonthehead