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| 08.26.04 (4:53 pm) [edit] |
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More rain on my birthday parade... I think EVERYONE knows my birthday was 2 days ago. Today, I got a card from my father. Granted, it was postmarked last night. But for the first time in as long as I can remember (which nowadays isn't that long), he actually addressed/signed the card. I spoke to him for the first time in 6 years in May and he was a total ass. Reminded me why I had broken things off with him yet again. I felt closure after that conversation in May. I admit a little bit of sadness when I didn't get a card even signed by his wife for me on my birthday this year, but I was moving on. The card said something along the lines of "We're each getting older. Let's try again. Call me at (his office number). Dad" Yes, he's reaching out. But I'm over him (for the most part). I don't and can't go thru the drama and shit and 'my way or no way' attitude of his. On the otherhand, I feel like he owes me for a lot (he paid for his 4 stepsons' educations at private school and college but 'couldn't find the funds' for me unless I went to Georgia Tech and Majored in Business) I could use his help around my house bigtime doing lots of fairly small jobs that I can't afford and don't trust selecting a contractor to do them (he's great at that stuff). Part of me thinks, let him work off some guilt. And then I can cut the strings on my terms if (when) he acts like an ass. So, your vote/feedback would be appreciated: Do I: 1) Ignore the card and not say a word 2) Send a note saying thank you for the gesture but he made his sentiments crystal clear in our last conversation 3) Call him and say thanks but no thanks 4) Call him and milk him for whatever work he will do before we end it again. 5) Your suggestions |
posted by: LastPoeticKiss (reply)
post date: 08.26.04 (1:58 pm)
He's still your dad...maybe he's changed in six years. I think you should call him, and say thanks...and see if any conversation is striked up. Alos, (if you haven;t already) tell him why you broke connection with him because of (insert reason) and try to get him to see it how you do. GOOD LUCK! mwah!
posted by: rinna (reply)
post date: 08.26.04 (2:08 pm)
option number two seems the most polite and true to how you feel, i guess how you write it can leave the ball in his court... good luck!
x r x
posted by: DrForbush (reply)
post date: 08.26.04 (2:57 pm)
One thing is clear, he feels guilty from your last meeting. However, from your description he is a control freak and he wants things to go his way. It doesn't sound like he'd let things drop so easily if he really wants to make the relationship with you work.
So, if you ignore the card and he really feels like getting things back on the road, then you will hear from him again. If it was an empty gesture, then you won't.
If you send him a note, then he feels like you are back in his hooks and he will certainly be calling you no matter what his intentions. That's how control freaks are.
Options 3 and 4 are going to be very emotional and they are only for someone who can take the stress and come out on top. Option 2 may actually turn into this drama if he calls you, but at least you know that he made the effort.
Just my two cents....
posted by: LarryConley (reply)
post date: 08.26.04 (4:22 pm)
The bitter suspicous part of me wonders if your mother spoke to your father....(trusting fellow that I am).
But he is family. Presuming he lives somewhere near by if you decide to call him I would pick a time where you would not be in a position to 'lets meet for dinner and talk some more'.
Make certain that he understands why you haven't been speaking to him.
Discuss the issue with a neutral party present (a family counciler of some sort priest rabbi whatever)
Be honest, both in your feelings with him and in some of your reasons for wanting to have better relations with him. Lying would eventually poison whatever reconciliation you made.
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 08.26.04 (5:25 pm)
Reply to: XAirborneRTO
He's worth a good amount of cash but I would be surprised if he would leave me a dime. I assume it would all be going to his precious step-grandchildren. He's told people he 'has a new family now'. (I already have other chunky inheritances down the road - unless I go skydiving, then they'll be fighting over my will. ;) )
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 08.26.04 (5:35 pm)
Reply to: LarryConley
My mother speak to my father? (Laughing hysterically - she would speak to him if I was dying and he was the only, THE ONLY, person in the world that could save me)
He won't do the neutral party thing -I asked 6 years ago. He was convinced 'they' were going to corner him and blame him for stuff - when I was merely going to share what had been going down with my stalker...
In NO way will I share my feelings with him - he doesn't deserve that sort of information from me.
The point is, I don't want a relationship with him. If he couldn't behave decently for the past 20 years, why would he start now? He hadn't changed any between 6 years ago and May 2004, so why would things change now?
The things he said then on both occasions were HORRIBLE. I'm not going to get into the details, but he turned his back on me BIGTIME.
The issue is - do I see what I can get out of him now or not.
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 08.26.04 (5:43 pm)
Reply to: DrForbush
I always appreciate your perspective Doc. (Your degree in psychiatry or animal husbandry?)
I'm going to sit on things for a while and think. (since I have the distraction of the potential psycho dude to stress about right now)
I haven't seen him in 6 1/2 years. (We spoke on the phone in May. He lives not 10 minutes from me. He even argued with me that it had not been 61/2 years - I could list the exact day of my last conversation with him. He said it had been maybe 3 - 4 years...)
In my heart, I don't have a father now - it pissed him off to no end that I would not/ will not call him 'Dad". So, 'using' him would possibly get my house in better shape - it's not like I'd be out a father - I'm already out one.
I don't believe for a second he's changed but I have. Maybe it's time for me to show him the tables have turned. If he wants to try to have a relationship, it's not going to be on his terms. (Just speaking what's going thru my brain right now)
Done sounding like a horrible bitter person. Taking a deep breath. Inhale. Exhale. :)
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 08.26.04 (5:57 pm)
Reply to: LastPoeticKiss
Thanks for the input. I have NO desire/need for him as a father-figure in my life. I've done just fine without him for most of my life. I spoke to him in May - for the first time in 6 1/2 years and he was JUST as much an ass then as he was back then.
I've finally come to terms with the reality that he's an ass. There's a reason why no one on his side of the family has spoken to him for 20+ years. I finally got it - it's not me - it's him!
The question is - do I want to turn the tables and see what I can get out of him? He can offer nothing but home improvements. I won't let my emotional self get involved.
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 08.26.04 (5:58 pm)
Reply to: LastPoeticKiss
Thanks for the input. I have NO desire/need for him as a father-figure in my life. I've done just fine without him for most of my life. I spoke to him in May - for the first time in 6 1/2 years and he was JUST as much an ass then as he was back then.
I've finally come to terms with the reality that he's an ass. There's a reason why no one on his side of the family has spoken to him for 20+ years. I finally got it - it's not me - it's him!
The question is - do I want to turn the tables and see what I can get out of him? He can offer nothing but home improvements. I won't let my emotional self get involved.
posted by: alltheblogthatsfittoprint (reply)
post date: 08.26.04 (6:17 pm)
Hmmm ... if you are certain you can be devoid of all emotion and drama with him around ... I say milk that motherfucker (literally) ...
The power of guilt is an amazing thing ... It may do you some good to see the pitiful shell of a man he has become....and it also may reinforce the reasons why you haven't seen him in 80 months ...
I say go for it - if you can truly handle it ... don't want to see a post talking about
"Killed my Dad, he's rotting in my hammock with that possum!"
posted by: Mimi (reply)
post date: 08.26.04 (6:19 pm)
darlin' scubby,
if you have already let it go, then don't be roped into having to go through the pain of letting go again...biology does not a father make! believe me, i know from first hand experience. make peace with yourself and have your say to him, if you choose, and then let go...his offer will stand if he really meant it...he will make an effort and then you can possibly reconsider your stance...until then, don't be roped into emotional games. {{{scubby}}}}
posted by: SheSpecies (reply)
post date: 08.26.04 (6:58 pm)
I think that calling him could be a good thing, Scubs...really. He's reaching out to you and you are definitely considering having the contact...so I think you owe it to yourself to see what it's going to be like. You have a lot of insight into his behaviour so you are wise to what could happen. I think that being on guard with him is good definitely, but see what he has to say.
If it was me and my bio-dad reached out his little olive branch I'd at least call to hear what he wanted to say. Then from there I'd gauge how much I was willing to put in and to receive.
::hugs:: You're a big and smart girl. You can handle the call and I know you'll know what to do once you engage him in a conversation.
posted by: LarryConley (reply)
post date: 08.26.04 (11:50 pm)
""The things he said then on both occasions were HORRIBLE. I'm not going to get into the details, but he turned his back on me BIGTIME. "
My opinion ?
See if he has changed (via a postal letter though include the things you might have spoken to him about) [It DOES happen if rarely]
"He won't do the neutral party thing -I asked 6 years ago. "
THen inform him he isn't serious.
"The issue is - do I see what I can get out of him now or not."""
I would recomend no.. not unless you are at the point of chosing whether you or your pets get to eat. He could (and seems) the type to tell 'good' contractors to steer clear of you while telling the lousy ones your easy meat. (and likewise in other fields)
{{sorry about the mom dad thing.. it just seemed that one reason for the card could be your mother trying to 'help' you}}
My mom and I have ..differences.. but she'd do darn near anything for me.. [[we DO get along better now that she understands at 36 I am actually an adult ]]
posted by: Cyberpal (reply)
post date: 08.27.04 (3:15 am)
I'mma buck the trend and say call him and give the dude another chance. I know it's easier said than done and I know from reading past posts that he has hurt you in ways unimaginable, but the true art of letting go, is forgiveness.
He's reached out, no matter how small, the least you could do Scubs is to try and meet him half way, nobody is saying you become the best of mates, but at least give it a chance. You never know what might develop?! I for one dont wanna see you get hurt again or what not but I do believe you owe it to yourself.. to see if this might be a turning point in a somewhat non-existent relationship with your dad.
I'll say this much hun..."Sometimes there is no time outs, no second chances...sometimes its now or never" what's it gonna be Scubs?! :)
posted by: Sybil (reply)
post date: 08.27.04 (4:56 am)
All I can tell ya is... for all of my life that I can remember, my relationship with my father was terrible, at best.
I could write pages about the emotional and physical scars that he left me with, however, that being said... he did, eventually become terminally ill and die.
We made our peace before he checked out, and I'm glad... for me. Because, for me... he was what he was, but he was still my father... and you only get one of those.
It was the right thing for ME that I forgave him, and now 12 years later, I have no guilt or regrets.
So my advice to you is, do what is right for YOU... keeping in mind that one day he'll be gone, and you'll most likely still be here dealing with whatever scars he left on you.
Good Luck with your decision.
:)
posted by: newbie (reply)
post date: 08.27.04 (7:01 am)
APRIL..AKA KRAZED BITCH THAT CANT GET INTO TBLOG.. DAMN IT..
DO WHAT YOU FEEL IS RIGHT HUN.. ONLY YOU KNOW THE ANSWER!!
WISHED IT WAS MY FUCKEN CARD.. SUM REDNECK NAMED BUBBA PROBABLY STOLE IT OUT OF THE POST OFFICE DROP BOX THING CAUSE I KNOW I PUT 2 FREAKEN STAMPS ON AND MAILED IT 2 OR 3 DAYS AGO
posted by: chicalookate (reply)
post date: 08.27.04 (7:33 am)
I say that number 2 is probably best for you mentally and emotionally. It allows you to revise what you are saying and not getting too emotional. And it does put the rest on him to decide what to do. Strange that he would want you to call his office.
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 08.27.04 (9:28 am)
I *think* that I am going to send him a note acknowledging him reaching out at this time but right now I cannot deal with any additional stress right now. (He's vaguely aware that I'm a very sick pup right now)
But that could change.
posted by: grrlpink (reply)
post date: 08.27.04 (9:54 am)
if you think you ca get something worth it out of it ..i say #4... you deserve something out of lifetime of bullshit with him right...
posted by: almsthvn (reply)
post date: 08.27.04 (1:15 pm)
you could send him a thank you note for the card but say the gift certificate must have fallen out on the way over because it wasn't in there ;-)
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 08.28.04 (1:30 pm)
Reply to: almsthvn
When I was 22, he told me that he had $20k set aside for my wedding. I asked if I could have it then, to invest or put towards a downpayment on a home - he said nope. Maybe I should talk to him, then tell him I'm getting married to some mail-order groom (maybe CyberPal?), and to cough up the $20k? It should be worth at least $30k now! LOL
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 08.28.04 (4:44 pm)
Reply to: Sybil
I made my peace with myself after my last conversation with my father in May. I realized that he can bring nothing positive to my life but judgment, criticism, and pain. It has nothing to do with me, but himself. I mourned for the father I never had, the father that I deserved, the father that he SHOULD have been. I can't change that. I have chosen instead to surround myself with people that love me unconditionally and support me.
I have to put myself first - he has moved on with his own family (as he has referred to his step-family). I, medically, do not need any more drama or stress. And he has always brought that.
I've though a lot about what he can offer me. It's too late for him to impact my relationships with men. I can't think of a single quality he can bring to the table that would be worth risking putting myself emotionally on the block again.
Whether he is on this earth or not, every day I deal with whatever scars he left already. Why would I risk letting him inflict more?
To quote the wise saying from AA - Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I'm done when it comes to him. I've closed that door. I won't look back, hoping one day we'll patch things up because there is too much water under the bridge.
The question is, for me, if I was willing to turn the tables. By me no longer being the daughter desperate for her father's approval and attention, would it be empowering to me?
That, I'm going to stew on for a while. I waited 6 1/2 years for him - he can wait a few weeks if I feel like it. And if he REALLY wants to try again, it will be under my rules for a change. But I will be expecting less than nothing from him.
(Sounds bitter ranting, but that's what is in my head at this moment)
Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm glad you were able to come to terms with things eventually. :)
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 08.28.04 (4:47 pm)
Reply to: Cyberpal
The "dude" has had multiple chances. I am his only child. He chose to turn his back on me - knowing how 'challenging' my mother could be.
I've let go when it comes to him. But I also recognize that I cannot sacrifice myself for a relationship with him. Ain't gonna happen. Just because I've let go, doesn't mean I have to be unrealistic enough to go back for yet another dose....
But, CP, thank you anyway for your 2 quid worth. ;)
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 08.28.04 (4:51 pm)
Reply to: LarryConley
If the mood strikes me later to meet with him, it would actually be with a non-neutral party - someone that was on my side. Make him squirm for a change...
He's good at doing the repair work himself. He's very handy. Nothing is major work - just regular tasks that I'm not experienced enough to do.
My mother would do anything for me as well. She drives me f'ing batty but I know she would do anything for me. I wish she would recognize I'm not 11 - but I don't think she'll ever get it...
But thanks for your perspective - given me more to ponder.
posted by: LarryConley (reply)
post date: 08.28.04 (6:32 pm)
Reply to: ScubaDiva
No worries hope I was a help. Mother does rhyme with Smother the that that she really means well has to be infuriating at times.. I know I felt so.
posted by: verucassalty (reply)
post date: 08.29.04 (6:45 am)
Hes your father, and maybe him reaching out with the card is his way of trying.. something.. anything.. i'd give him a call.. maybe he wants to do something for you after all this time, he might feel like he needs to make amends.. fathers soften with time, and daughters, well we will always be daddy's little gurls.. we play up the role when we need to....
by Redonthehead