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| Payback is a bitch |
| 06.15.04 (8:22 am) [edit] |
|
As I sit here, debating which dating debacle I should detail next... So many amusing choices, who shall my next "victim" be? I think I'll detail the drama of the "Non-Ranger". Warning - this gets a little racy and dramatic, so consider yourself warned. (Now I'm not talking about sex with houseplants or anything like that..) First of all, I need to explain my nicknaming of my dates. Admittedly, I have dated a voluminous amount of men over my dating career. When talking to friends about my dates, they would often get them confused. Like: Fred's the one who whittles chopsticks for a living? And I say nooo, Fred's the one who is designed that stupid singing bass or trout that was popular 5 years ago. SO, I started giving them nicknames, *Plus, I have dated like 15 Matts in my life. There was the "rock star" (who will remain un-named), the felon (discussed in an earlier posting), the plane guy, the horse guy, the Canadian (also discussed earlier), the football player, the artist (to be discussed later), etc. I met "E" at a business function. He was witty, ambitious, charming and well-educated. He told me he'd never been married, had been a college football player and went on briefly to the Pros before injuring his shoulder, couldn't have kids (due to a bad case of chickenpox when he was 18 in the army that rendered him sterile.) He went on to be an Army Ranger. Thus, his nickname was born! He was "the Ranger". Now, "the Ranger" was a BIG guy - 6'5, broad shoulders - let's just say he was "chunky". I'm an open-minded chick that enjoyed his company, so we went out to dinner. The conversations flowed and I had a fun time. When we eventually smooched, the guy almost squashed me - I was gasping for air (and I'm not exaggerating). Now, I was really attracted to his brain and personality but his kissing was, shall we say, LESS than desirable. Imagine a lizard tongue, going in and out of your ear. EWWW. I tried explaining a couple of times about HOW much I love to have my ear/neck nibbled on, but I don't like the tongue in the year - he's stop but revert back to old behavior. And, just general kissing - he was certifiably, the world's worst kisser. I wasn't deluded to think that I could magically transform him into losing 80 lbs, grow hair, fix his teeth and learn how to kiss. I enjoyed spending time with him - our conversations, etc. But there was something wrong -I couldn't put my finger on it... Some things didn't add up - ie him getting Chicken pox at 18 in the army but still being a college football star sorta thing. I'd ask questions but nothing concrete. We dated for about 6 months - very casually and infrequently (ie, we never came anywhere close to knockn' boots since he couldn't even curl a toe - it was more like nails scratching on a blackboard). A close friend did some checking for me. Found out the Ranger had never been a profootball player, had been married with 2 sons almost in college, and had never been an Army Ranger. He had done something with ammunition. My friend told me to go into a particular chatroom, gave me his online nickname and gave me instructions to log in to a profile with picture that he created for me. Within 20 seconds, the now known as the NON-Ranger was chatting to me. I played along - figured I'd see what I could find out and see how far he'd take it. Over the next couple of weeks, he and the pseudo-girl exchanged quite a few emails - all progressively racier and racier. This pseudo-online girl suggested that they meet - at a hotel room with a large tub and king-size bed for a romantic escapade. Everything was set up - via email - never talked on the phone. He was instructed to bring several bottles of Cristal, cd player and specific cd's, strawberries, champagne glasses, some silk scarves to tie up - oh, and one more thing - to shave his balls. He confessed to her later that he shaved himself that morning and they "itched" really bad. "She" was supposed to meet him at the Westin at 9pm on that Friday night. (Of course she had no intention of showing up) At 9:30, he emails her asking where she is... Again at 10pm, 10:30pm, etc. I failed to mention that I was forwarding the email exchange between the "non-Ranger" to most of my friends so they could be aprised of things. We had a bet going as to how long it would take the "Non-Ranger" to call me (the real me) and proposition me since he'd gotten the scene all set up. Sure enough, the next morning at 8am, he calls me. Tells me he had been too tired to drive home and got upgraded to a suite at the Westin and I had to see it. I passed on the "opportunity". He kept insisting. I advised him I was at the car dealership getting my car detailed and wasn't able to get away. He showed up at the dealership, again, insisting on showing me the suite - I laughed and said that I'd seen the rooms there and I had to get back to my car... Almost a year later - we still grab lunch every once in a while. He still makes suggestions that we hook up every once in a while which I ignore or say we aren't going there ever again. He talks about how "great" we were together - but the thing is, we never had sex - nothing even close to being confused to being sex - so it leaves me baffled. To this day, he doesn't know it was me that was behind his failed "romp" at the Westin and that I know he's a blatant liar. I go just to smirk about how long his balls must have itched from the shaving and have a free meal. LMAO I'm not a vengeful person - this was my one foray into the revenge arts - it was fun but not my style. But - don't cross me - you never know what I have up my sleeve! |
posted by: Coldtones (reply)
post date: 06.15.04 (5:28 am)
I dunno about you.
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 06.15.04 (5:29 am)
Reply to: Coldtones
ha ha. He deserved it.
posted by: luluthebrit (reply)
post date: 06.15.04 (5:31 am)
You must be the greatest person ever! Youre genius!
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 06.15.04 (5:34 am)
Reply to: luluthebrit
TY. I was so proud that I came up with the shaved balls part. He thought he (who lied to me about his age too) at 39, was hooking up with a 21yo hottie.
posted by: likeabadstar (reply)
post date: 06.15.04 (7:04 am)
hahahaa. that's great. i hate guys that are oblvious to the "kissing standards"
posted by: riverrat338 (reply)
post date: 06.15.04 (8:58 am)
hey scuba, I ran into non ranger guy today. He said he thought you were a terrible kisser too but he didn't want to say anything to upset you. He also said he knew it was you all along. :-p
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 06.15.04 (9:02 am)
Reply to: riverrat338
I guess that's why he booty calls me about 3x a month. Every month. ;)
posted by: cogito (reply)
post date: 06.15.04 (9:24 am)
That shit is hilarious.
posted by: SheSpecies (reply)
post date: 06.15.04 (12:41 pm)
Hahaha That's such a great story! I laughed my tush off.
posted by: seagrass (reply)
post date: 06.15.04 (1:07 pm)
my problem is that I keep coming here to read ScubaDiva's posts rather than write my own. It's like she could write a column for Cosmopolitan or give give sex advice for Esquire. I have to force myself not to read her...ain't no way I could tell my friends I read her!!
posted by: pursejunkie (reply)
post date: 06.15.04 (1:22 pm)
I second seagrasse's comment...
Girl you should be writing Cosmo with some of this stuff....
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 06.15.04 (2:12 pm)
Reply to: pursejunkie
(We don't even want to discuss my own purse addiction - great nick)
Thanks - I have many more stories like this to share. They were posted before I had much of a following ;)
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 06.15.04 (2:13 pm)
Reply to: seagrass
Sex advice? Uh, that would be a negative. I'm having a 'dry spell' of shit. 13 months and 5 days. No guy gets past 3 dates.
Thanks for the compliments though - glad you enjoy. I'll be posting more of these adventures.
posted by: misskendy (reply)
post date: 06.15.04 (4:40 pm)
You are a true master! *bows down*
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 06.15.04 (5:41 pm)
Reply to: misskendy
LOL - thank you. I have tried to divert people from voting for me anymore for featured blogs and encouraging them to vote 4 you...
posted by: dumblondegirl (reply)
post date: 06.15.04 (7:32 pm)
LMAO! I would never have the guts to pull something like that off. You go girl!
posted by: misskendy (reply)
post date: 06.15.04 (11:30 pm)
Reply to: ScubaDiva
aaawww ur so good to me! *hugs*
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 06.16.04 (4:54 am)
Reply to: dumblondegirl
I bet you do, you just weren't pissed enough. ;)
I'm not the vengeful type - my perspective is 'what goes around, comes around' - but that time I just had to make sure it came around and I got to be a part of it. ;)
by Redonthehead