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| How do you know? |
| 06.11.04 (7:21 pm) [edit] |
|
How do you know when you're truly over someone? I was dumb, dumb, dumb last fall (did I mention I was dumb?) and let myself succumb (a little) to a guy that my head told me "What the HELL are you thinking!" He pursued me for months, patiently, while I continued dating a host of other guys that fit my 'profile'. Let's step back and set the stage... I'm almost 33, 2 college degrees, nice house, money in the bank, investments, something called a 401k - I work in a professional environment and believe in working hard (and playing hard too). Him? 44. Married 3 times. A kid that he has no communication with, lives in a warehouse with a communal bathroom, a motorcycle, works odd jobs to try to cover his expenses and lived on poptarts and chili. But there was the soft-spoken, sensitive, romantic side of him that wore this girl down. He courted me - I haven't been treated like that in ages. I tell you, it works. ;) I fought the attraction completely - he's the antithesis of every guy I've dated. Physically, totally not attracted - but it was something about his soul that reeled me in. Despite all the red flags, I felt safe with him. He knew I had too much going on to deal with a trampled heart. He promised me he would never do that. (LIAR) Technically, we had 3 dates. But hours on the phone, text messages to my phone, hundreds of emails and IM's that lasted for days. I cooked a huge T'giving spread for him - and opted out of spending it with family/friends because he was going to spend it alone eating poptarts and wasn't comfortable in crowds of unfamiliar people. I spent THREE days shopping and cooking. I love cooking, and it was nice to have someone to cook for and make a fuss over. And when I realized I was falling for this guy, he cut the cord. Thanksgiving morning, he sends me an EMAIL saying he wouldn't be able to make it. He didn't like the holidays and needed to go into 'hiding' or some lameass excuse like that. (Could he have possibly told me that before I dropped $200+ on food and took 2 days off work and passed on oppty's to spend with others????) So, I spent T'giving VERY mad at him. But even madder at myself. For being so damn stupid. I should have listened to my head. I KNEW nothing positive could come of it - thank goodness we didn't have sex. I threw that entire feast I prepared in the trash. I cried. I swore NO guy would ever make me cry -and yet he got to me. Other drama contributed to make this one of the darkest points of my life. A friend totally betrayed me. I had my ankle surgery - and was totally isolated from the world - stuck with my foot in the air for a 8 weeks. Every time I thought I was past him, I'd hear something thru the circle about him dating someone new or some fling he had. It wasn't that I was jealous - because I would NEVER go back to that. It's just that I felt that I was still not back on my feet, and he was sprinting ahead. I see now, that he is looking for something apparently intangible. He's a tortured soul that is unable to really find happiness. Despite the hurtful things he said and did to me, I harbor no ill will. I wish him the best and hope one day, he figures it out and finds what he's looking for. I worry about him a bit, and I'm sad when I think of all that wasted talent. I struggled with what I learned from this experience. At first, it was that I'd never let down my guard again. That's not the answer. Instead, I'm going to listen to my head - step back and look at things logically. Romance may not be logical, opposites may attract, blah blah blah but I need some common ground and more common values. I've put dating on the back burner since then - I've dated a little bit, but physically I haven't been up to it. I'm not my regular fun self with all the health crap going on. But, I think I've finally put it behind me. My heart was stomped on but I think it's recovered. I don't know if there's some measure of "DING!" you're officially over someone - when you don't think of them for a week, or you don't feel angry but I have the inklings of a crush, so I think that's a good sign... Finally. |
posted by: misskendy (reply)
post date: 06.11.04 (4:40 pm)
You know I think there is some morning ya just wake up and ya just magically don't give a shit anymore! It works for me :P
posted by: dumblondegirl (reply)
post date: 06.11.04 (4:45 pm)
That's awesome girl!
I wanna hear more about this new crush ;)
posted by: XAirborneRTO (reply)
post date: 06.11.04 (4:49 pm)
Hummm...my thoughts Diva dearest. Since I have been divorced for over 18 years now, and never remarried, I think I can add some helpful insight.
Whenever I have to be in the physical presence of Christa (Andrews mother, the boy), it still gives me the butterflies/weak in the knees thing. Guess that means that I am not truely over her, still.
I am not sure if we ever really get over somebody that we have a deep connection with.
Like me, I don't think I am ever going to get over Misty....
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 06.11.04 (4:53 pm)
Reply to: XAirborneRTO
Of course no one could replace Misty. That sort of bond is irreplaceable.
And I guess a marriage would be too, although I can't speak from personal experience on that one. But I think that if one loved someone to commit to them in marriage, that connection cannot be so easily discarded. I guess I'm somewhat idealistic. Don't tell anyone, but there actually is a soft romantic side to me - I just don't let her out much.
posted by: ODUwildman (reply)
post date: 06.11.04 (5:53 pm)
Took me years to get over the ex, and I think it still might be maybe an inkling of feeling, but no where near what it used to be. I'm sure you've read about it on my blog.
posted by: NewLife (reply)
post date: 06.11.04 (11:14 pm)
uh..thats alot of qualities,u shuld just accept a guy as he is,they all arent going to be like that...and ur gunna be very dissappointed..
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 06.12.04 (3:44 am)
Reply to: NewLife
There's a saying, if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything.
In regard to dating, I adhere to the same tenet. It's a HELL of a lot simpler when you're 18 vs. dating in your 30's.
I don't offer any apologies for my list. It's not random. It's based on experiences. I have priorities and values and know what I want in a relationship - because I put them on a list, that's a high-standard?
I've found that when I 'loosen' these standards, I end up disappointed. I've spent a considerable amount of time thinking about what is 'negotiable' to me.
What about you? Would you date a married man? A convicted felon? A smoker? (I can't b/c of health reasons) How about someone that is a slob? Doesn't have a job and mooches off everyone? That hits you? That refers to gay men as "flaming ass munchers"?
The reality is, I bet you'd pass by anyone that demonstrated those 'characteristics'. If not, your standards are lower than mine - that's cool, but I bet in 12 years, you'll be right in line with me.
posted by: Cyberpal (reply)
post date: 06.12.04 (4:58 am)
I have always been able to cut that emotive part out when a relationship ends... but then I guess I'm a cold-hearted bastard at the best of times anyway! :)
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 06.12.04 (5:51 am)
Reply to: Cyberpal
You? Cold hearted bastard? Imagine that!
Wait... do you consider a "relationship" meeting a girl at the bar, dancing and putting your tongue down her throat and never seeing her again? (kidding!)
Hope your team wins. ;)
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 06.12.04 (5:58 am)
And stud, I don't believe for one second you are a cold-hearted bastard. You may behave like a bastard at times, you may be cold-hearted at times - but I bet it's just to protect that warm fuzzy marshmellowy soft heart of yours.
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 06.12.04 (6:26 am)
Reply to: KRAZEDONE
Don't you wish you had a flashing neon sign saying "warning! warning!" and sirens that would go off in advance???
posted by: lynne (reply)
post date: 06.12.04 (7:37 am)
I think there are different stages of being over a person. Once you get to the stage of not thinking about them all the time, you are most of the way there. The stage where you would feel comfortable hanging out with him and his date/girlfriend/wife might never happen and that is ok. I think you can count yourself as being over someone when they dont have any effect on your day to day life. You dont really think of them in any sort of emotional way. If you hear about what they are up to, you just dont care beyond a casual interest. And you know what, being able to get crushes on other men is a pretty good sign.
posted by: thisnameistaken (reply)
post date: 06.12.04 (4:33 pm)
Reply to: lynne
I dont think you ever truly stop caring for someone even if you are angry with them, for whatever reason. I think that once you let them in, they stay there. Its that Love/Hate thing. I am truly sorry you were hurt, its to bad for us that we have to get hurt to begin with. Love shouldnt hurt... in any part of a relationship.
posted by: SheSpecies (reply)
post date: 06.12.04 (6:21 pm)
Wow. What a miserable dickhead. At least you found out early on! Shit...
I don't know about the "ding" myself either...There are a couple of people I'm not involved with now (and haven't been with in some time) who I'm sort of sure that I could possibly have a serious 'thing' for if we were to cross paths again. Maybe that's why I'm so far? I dunno...
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 06.13.04 (3:12 am)
Reply to: SheSpecies
I didn't mention in there that he's bipolar and had 2 or 3 suicide attempts where he was rushed to the hospital and kept there for quite some time... Someone said that he reads my blog - don't know how the hell he heard about it if it's true...
I'll PM you some more funny details. ;)
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 06.13.04 (7:19 am)
Reply to: thisnameistaken
There has to be some middle ground - or perhaps it's a fine line. Unless an ex has done something incredibly despicable - ie slept with the guys' father, wiped out his bank account, that speaking poorly or having great animosity for an ex reflects poorly on themselves. One day when I'm done dating that guy, he may demonize me too...
On the otherhand, you do have to let go, the pain does subside...not completely, but eventually you don't wince when you think of that person...
posted by: SheSpecies (reply)
post date: 06.13.04 (12:31 pm)
Reply to: ScubaDiva
Oh nice...
Bipolar will keep your hands full (but can be tolerable if you really love someone)...but the suicide attempts are a bit excessive I'd say. Geez, he put you through some shit.
Crazy if he's still reading your blog...lol guess it's hard to get over the Diva! :-)
PM over the details Girl! LOL I could use a giggle! ;-)
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 06.13.04 (12:43 pm)
Reply to: SheSpecies
untreated bipolars who revel in their dark side as some sort of facet of their personality that everyone else should put their lives on hold and wait for is not tolerable...
I hope he doesn't read this shit - mainly because I don't want to rub it in his face. He has enough on his hands dealing with getting out of bed every day.
Remind me later to fill you in. ;)
posted by: SheSpecies (reply)
post date: 06.13.04 (1:41 pm)
Reply to: ScubaDiva
Yeah, I definitely agree with you about that. I was working with a girl sort of recently who refused to get treated...she freaked out one day and tried to beat up the director at the school where I work...nuts.
I sympathise with the symptoms and having to struggle with it...what I have no sympathy or patience for is when people will knowingly burden others with that shit...
I think that's applicable to all kinds of things in life, too...not just being bipolar. Ya know? At some point people just need to learn to take responsibility for themselves.
by Redonthehead