Have a lunchtime counseling session today with the mom. Not looking forward to it. I guess I just don't see value in continuing it.

Why?
The therapist isn't really doing anything to facilitate things. She says she wants to focus on the present and not the past but she keeps letting conversations go in that direction.

I don't see that it's a positive experience - being that the situation is being improved. I said I would attend if the mother selected a therapist and attended but at what point do I cut my losses? I feel like the only reason she's attending is to interact with me. If I feel like I'm not participating with an open mind any more, is it a good use of everyone's time?

(shrugging)

In an ideal world, I'd love to have a relationship with my mother but I am not at a point where I'm willing to bend/contort/compromise my own sanity to tolerate interacting with her. From time to time, I think what would I feel like if she died tomorrow? I love her and I hate that our relationship has been reduced to this but there comes a point where it is about self-preservation. I feel an incredible sense of loyalty and responsibility and gratitude toward her but for a very long time, I struggled with sacrificing my own well-being and sanity for interacting with her. I put up more and more walls to protect myself, but she'd roll right over them. And not only would I feel like dog squeeze for finally speaking up, but I'd have the build-up of all the other crap that I'd not said anything about. That breaking point...

When my interactions with someone make me into someone I don't recognize or like, that's a big red flag for me. I guess I'm in a sort of 'cleaning house' mode again.

If only I could shift that mode to my actual house!

I know that sounds harsh. I say it with a heavy heart.