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| What's a girl to do? |
| 11.29.07 (10:07 am) [edit] |
|
I think most folks that cross paths with my blog know that I utterly adore Hot Stud. He'd be the perfect man for me, if it weren't for that whole thing he has with monogamy. (and I'm unwilling to 'bend' on that issue.)
So I've deliberately squashed any sort of 'suggestions' he's made at being 'more than friends'. As incredibly sexy and appealing as I find him, I'd be barking up the heartbreak tree. Can't fit a square peg into a round hole, nor can you make a guy want to be monogamous. He asked me the other day why I went to N.O. - I told him that I wanted to get away. He said that I should have called him. (I got the impression that he thought I went to visit my friend down there for more intimate reasons if you catch my drift.) Then he went on to say that he had been wanting to spend some time with me (alluding to the less-clothed kind) but he knew I had been going through a lot with the cats dying, etc. I am not the casual fling type. It just doesn't do it for me. And adding to it someone that I have feelings for, well, that's just darn stupid to do. So, the million-dollar question is... what do I say to him? I don't want to make him feel weird - I don't think saying that I have feelings for you and I can't go down that road with you would not be good for me. But what other alternative do I have? I'm not going to 'hook up' with him. It's hard enough as it is to keep my feelings in check. |
posted by: fractalmom (reply)
post date: 11.29.07 (8:02 am)
your post shows you are very smart. don't start being stupid!!
I would tell him exactly this. "I am attracted to you, but am not going to waste time on someone who would not respect me enough to both wait to have sex, and marry me. Sorry."
At that point, he can decide to change, fall in love and marry you first, or leave you alone.
smart girls win in the long run.
posted by: LadyG (reply)
post date: 11.29.07 (8:35 am)
Couldn't have said it better.
posted by: scubadiva (reply)
post date: 11.29.07 (9:57 am)
Reply to: fractalmom
Laughing about waiting to get married... It's waaay too late for a white wedding. I'm just looking for exclusivity. I don't want to insult his perspective - I guess I'm more open-minded - he's been honest enough to tell me he's typically no exclusive - better than deceiving me and have me thinking he's not boinking others.
posted by: scubadiva (reply)
post date: 11.29.07 (9:57 am)
Reply to: LadyG
In that case, smart girls sit home waiting for the phone to ring.
posted by: fractalmom (reply)
post date: 11.29.07 (1:01 pm)
Reply to: scubadiva
well, i didn't mean you were a virgin LOL, but that wanting exclusivity is totally normal and nothing you should have to apologize for. so change the wording a bit, but still, tell him up front the next time the opportunity presents.
truthfully, he may NOT be as adverse as you think to your plan (smiling). it does seem old fashioned but i think its still true, that those women who are a wee bit harder to get - get got more long term. did that make ANY sense whatsoever? guys are still basically pigs and very double standard oriented. they want to play, but not pay and they want their women to be pristine, by today's standards. so if you aren't all that easy, then you are worth dating. if, on the other hand you fall right into bed the first or second date, and ask nothing of them, then they win a free screw with no strings attached LOL.
it is so not fair and for the guys, its a win/win situation.
posted by: rosietulips (reply)
post date: 11.29.07 (1:08 pm)
I don't see why you couldn't tell him you had feelings for him which is why you wouldn't want to have a fling with him (of course you need not be so direct...but does he get hints?) Is there any way that he might change with the non-monogamy thing?
posted by: Barnabus1 (reply)
post date: 11.29.07 (1:37 pm)
Reply to: Scubadiva
Have you considered just saying Goodbye!!!
posted by: scubadiva (reply)
post date: 12.01.07 (12:55 pm)
Reply to: Barnabus1
I cannot imagine not having him in my life. He's one of my dearest friends - he dropped everything when my cat Sassy died, he was there to hold my hand during the rape mediation, he was there when I was struggling with the rape - he continually reminds me what a good man should be like - how I should be treated, etc.
posted by: scubadiva (reply)
post date: 12.01.07 (12:59 pm)
Reply to: rosietulips
Haven't you ever been in that situation where someone had feelings for you and it wasn't mutual and it ended up making things awkward and it was the demise of the friendship? I value his friendship so much that I would never want to risk it. And if he was genuinely interested, I think he'd make the effort. I've certainly not done anything to make him think I wasn't receptive. (Other than him thinking I went to NO to get boinked...)
posted by: scubadiva (reply)
post date: 12.01.07 (12:59 pm)
Reply to: rosietulips
Haven't you ever been in that situation where someone had feelings for you and it wasn't mutual and it ended up making things awkward and it was the demise of the friendship? I value his friendship so much that I would never want to risk it. And if he was genuinely interested, I think he'd make the effort. I've certainly not done anything to make him think I wasn't receptive. (Other than him thinking I went to NO to get boinked...)
posted by: scubadiva (reply)
post date: 12.01.07 (1:04 pm)
Reply to: fractalmom
I'd love to think that it was possible for him to be exclusive, but when we first met, he was upfront with me and said that although he has had exclusive relationships, it was not typical of him. I realize that just as much as exclusivity/monogamy is natural for me, expecting him to suddenly embrace it when he's more prone to non-exclusivity would be just as unnatural as me 'sharing'. I respected his honesty - a lot of men would just play the game. After we started seeing each other, I realized that clearly I wasn't 'enough' for him to just settle down with one woman. Maybe it will change. He's changed a lot in the past few months. However, it's pretty clear he's got other women in his life.
Unfortunately, every guy that I date, I end up comparing to him - and they all fall dreadfully short. That's part of the reason I date so much - trying to find someone else that can at least marginally compete with him.
posted by: fractalmom (reply)
post date: 12.02.07 (9:02 am)
oh yeah. the plot thickens LOL. at this juncture, i would say he is your best friend, i guess try and work on letting the lust factor go. in the long run (and that's the only run i look at anymore), a good friend is much preferable to a good fuck!!
sorry about the language. oh wait. no I'm not.
i did end up marrying my best friend. it's rare, but awesome!! hang in there, don't do anything stupid and maybe in 4 years or so he will get tired of playing around and look at you with new eyes. it happens.
until then, have fun **wicked grin**
posted by: scubadiva (reply)
post date: 12.02.07 (9:17 am)
Reply to: fractalmom
I indulged in the lust a bit in the beginning, but I just didn't like feeling like I was just one of many. He opted not to make gestures toward more exclusivity. I realized I had a twinge of feelings even back then and I knew it would end up screwing with my head/heart. I am fairly sure he knows where I stand on things. So I just don't put myself in situations with him that could get torturous. If he goes for a kiss on my neck, I'm toast. Must wear ugly underwear and not shave legs around him so the temptation will be quelled.
posted by: fractalmom (reply)
post date: 12.03.07 (5:37 am)
Reply to: scubadiva
ROFLMAO that should do it!! It would've stopped me...
posted by: rosietulips (reply)
post date: 12.03.07 (7:43 am)
Reply to: scubadiva
Yeah, I've had friendships with guys that have ended up dissolving because one of us had feelings and the other didn't. Maybe Hot Stud will change one day, but I guess in the meantime, bask in the friendship love...
by Redonthehead