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| Curve Ball |
| 04.29.07 (10:14 am) [edit] |
| I refer to a small group of people that are very dear friends of mine, whom I trust completely and rely on for support, as my 'inner circle'. Without them, I am confident that I would not have been able to make it through the past two years, dealing with the rape and the aftermath. Both local and across the country, these people have proved themselves as true friends. Yesterday, I had extended conversations with two of the distant ones. It was good to reconnect. We talk and email regularly, but lately, we've had brief exchanges. They both (unsolicited) remarked about what a different person I am now and proud they are of me. It feels wonderful to get that sort of affirmation from people who (really) know you and whose opinion you truly trust and respect. And I ended up really needing that feedback later on in the night to reflect on. I was having a phone convo with "he who hasn't been mentioned" (need to come up with a new nickname for him). Something he innocently said sparked something that I wasn't expecting. A flashback to the rape. And not just a little one. I felt panicky and nauseated. Now I haven't shared with him about the rape yet. I had planned on telling him about it tomorrow night. I thought I was 'past' the rape and I just wanted to share with him about the impending court stuff so that I'd know where he stood - if he saw it as too much drama, etc. But now I realize that apparently I'm not as over the rape as I thought. I really felt myself 'check out' during the conversation afterwards. I'm sure he was thinking "what just happened?" I can't get these images and feelings out of my head. I'm STILL nauseated and panicky feeling and on the verge of tears. Why???? I've been aware that the two year anniversary is coming up in two weeks. But I don't think that's it. I have talked extensively with my therapist about the rape but she doesn't understand bdsm so there's always a sense of disconnect with her about it. I've emailed someone in the inner circle that does 'get it' so perhaps he can help me hash it out. (It's still really early where he is, so I don't want to wake him.) This is suddenly such a raw nerve. I guess I'm not as healed as I thought I was. This is pissing me off. |
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by Redonthehead