Sitting on the phone with "the mother" right now. Actually, I just hung up because I'm totally fed up with her.

Family counseling. I've always had my doubts about my mother's genuine willingness to participate. Actions have been a lot more telling than words. When my individual therapist suggested our participation in the family counseling program back in the summer, she told me that they wouldn't have space in the program until the fall and to call the first week in October to get on the schedule.

I did so and they offered an appt the following week. I said it worked for me, but I'd have to check with the mother.

I called her and the first comment she had out of her mouth was something along the lines of "Well, it took them long enough to get back with you." (Negative comment #1)  I reminded her that in actuality, they had been upfront about when there would be space for us in the program.

She then declined the appt because it was short notice and she said she couldn't. She was having a painter over to give an estimate. It was an overly emphatic no if you get my drift. (Still not any sign of remote interest in participating from my perspective.) 

Fine. I asked if the following week at the same time would be ok with her.

She complained that it was downtown and traffic would be bad at that time in the afternoon. She'd take the train into town.

I suggested that she come down early and I'd give her a tour of the aquarium since she had never been there. If she wanted to take the train, fine, I'd drive her home after the family therapy. More hemming and hawing from her about wanting to walk from the station to the aquarium (guarantee of her getting lost). I explained that we would be going in a side entrance and it'd be much easier if I just got her at the station. (Realizing that the idea of the aquarium was potentially a looming nightmare.)

In the interim, my individual therapist discussed the fact that the individual therapy and the family therapy on the same day. I said I preferred it that way - because I was able to schedule some volunteer time at the fish tank as well as counseling and I didn't want to have to drive down another day. However, she misunderstood me, and without clearing it with me, spoke to the family counselor and cancelled my appt with them to be rescheduled. The family therapist left me a vm about it (I was like WTF?) and said that she would confirm the switching of the appt with my mother.

Throw in that over that weekend, the mother and I had a serious 45min throwdown over the phone (much like the one today).

I took the family therapist at her word that she'd touch base with my mother to cancel. She didn't. Monday the mother called me confirming the logistics of the aquarium day, etc. Me telling her that it was off, well, didn't exactly improve her esteem of the program.

The appt was rescheduled for the 30th of October and the family therapist said (again) that she'd confirm with my mother the appt. I said that was a good idea because we had not been on the best of terms and I thought it was best that we limit our interactions for the time being because every time we spoke, it was the same thing over and over again. And it wasn't pretty.

The mother called this morning. She informed me that 'some woman' called her about the counseling. Barrage of negative comments about her, subtle little digs left and right (something I'm quite familiar with on the receiving end of). The individuals doing the family counseling are post-doctorate candidates. My mother complained about 'them being just anyone, them knowing who she is and being about the "track her down" and not taking the hippocratic oath'.

I had enough. I interrupted her and told her point-blank that I had serious doubts about her willingness to participate in the family counseling. Every comment she had made about it was either negative or not positive. (Which she denied saying she had been totally cooperative about things.)  She could call the woman (I used her name) back and commit to an appointment time and show up or not. It was her choice but this was the last hope for any future relationship, that there wasn't anything else to say.

She kept trying to claim that she wasn't being negative. (Again, this is the woman who said if she would have sued the person who had cut my hair and then said that it wasn't a negative comment.)

I told her she was welcome to schedule the appt and they would contact me about it,
or not, it was her choice.

This is the ubiquitous fork in the road. She has the choice to grab this last ditch opportunity to salvage our relationship or not. It hinges on her. She may surprise me and reschedule it. It may not work, she may not even geuinely be capable of embracing a therapeutic process. I have doubts about her ability to be even the tiniest bit open-minded about it.

If she doesn't move forward with the family therapy, I'm going to sever ties completely. It won't be easy and I hate the fact that things have come to this point, but I have exhausted every possible alternative. I've gone months without speaking to her, I've written letters, I've attended individual therapy with the sole purpose of coming up with methods to interact with her in different ways, I've altered my own behavior with her and created more and more restrictive boundaries to protect myself and also hope to enlighten her with her behavior. (ie, I'll say no to something she suggests, and she'll continue to push the topic. My response is to say "for the second time, no." Then "As I've said now three times, my answer is no and there is no point in discussing the issue further." Finally, I'll say "Since you haven't respected my previous three answers, I'm hanging up now" <click>)

I hate the fact that the reality of potentially having no contact with my mother or my father (going on most of my life since I was 13) really sucks. My father wants nothing to do with me, he has his new 'family' now. (I've recognized that he doesn't have the ability to be a father figure and as a person, he's not someone I'd want to have in my life otherwise.)  Makes me teary-eyed thinking about it. Sometimes it really sucks to be an only child, not to have the comraderie of siblings to diffuse the situation.

I'm blessed with some great friends and fortunately, I'm in a much better frame of mind to make decisions more objectively. I have counseling tomorrow afternoon - I figure we'll have something to talk about. LOL

*** Ironically Mr. Starbucks just called - I didn't answer because I am rather sniffle-y while writing this. He was returning my call because I had accidentally dialed his number instead of someone else in my phone book yesterday and didn't want to just hang up, so I left a message saying hi.  He was rather chatty in the VM - the 5+ min message was 95% about his son in college having some apartment problems - although he mad e a rather half-hearted mention about not knowing what his schedule was like for the next couple of weeks...