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| Cheese Stands Alone |
| 06.15.06 (8:07 am) [edit] |
|
After yet another round with 'the mother' a few days ago, I got another one of her letters in the mail on Tuesday. I haven't even bothered to open it. I have a counseling appointment this afternoon, so I figure it's good material for the session. It's horrible to say but I am finding myself contemplating more and more about moving away from Atlanta. I love it, but I feel the need to get away from her. I doubt distance would solve much, but six months of not speaking to her didn't help either. Nothing positive comes out of her mouth - I'm over 30 and she still feels the need to make insults (thinly veiled) about everything from my clothing, to my hair to my weight and I can go on and on. One day I was working in the yard and she told me I really shouldn't wear my hair back in a ponytail as it wasn't flattering. (I was working in the yard - am I supposed to be in full regale to pull weeds?) Just venting and feeling frustrated. It's not that she doesn't love me - there's no doubt about that. But her love does nothing but cause pain and self-doubt in myself. As well-intentioned as it may be, it's not healthy. I have tried to keep up the mantra of "She means well" but I'm not sure I really can keep up with that much longer. Still I feel like the bad guy - she's good at the martyr routine. I wonder if I'd be a Gouda or Mozzarella? As long as it's not Cheez-Whiz. |
posted by: FinalyFree (reply)
post date: 06.15.06 (9:00 am)
I can very much identify with your feelings. My Mother died over 9 months ago and while our relationship was much like yours, I knew deep down in my heart it was as much as it ever could be. There are times now I'd give anything to be able to talk to her but I'm not ashamed to say that there are a lot of times I don't miss the 'pressure' of my relationship with her. I have no pearls of wisdom, sorry :( Moving away may truly be what you need. The only thing I can offer in the way of advice is try once again to make her understand how stressful she makes your life and how badly you'd like to get to a "good" place with her. I'm sure you've said it all before, right? I guess that's my one regret is the fact that I never really tied up the loose ends with my Mother...but then again, I'm not sure that would have ever been possible.
posted by: scubadiva (reply)
post date: 06.15.06 (11:11 am)
Reply to: FinalyFree
My counseling session went pretty well. We talked a long time about how the mother refuses to respect any boundaries, even the smallest ones. Then, I opened the letter and read it aloud. It was comical - she went on and on about my ridiculous boundaries and signed it "The Realist".
She wouldn't know reality if it bit her on the ass.
The therapist said that it didn't sound like she was ever going to abide by any sort of relationship where I'd feel like my boundaries were respected. She asked me, considering that, how I would like that relationship to proceed. I told her I didn't know how it could.
Then it got sad. She asked me about other family. I told her I had none. I hadn't seen my father in 8 years and he was even more of a nightmare than my mother. No other extended family other than my eccentric uncle, and he's not exactly someone I can lean on.
So, the cheese stands alone. I say it in jest, but it's truly sad. Nothing means more to me than my family and friends - but my family is unhealthy for me. I'm so fortunate to have such amazing friends, but still, there is that void. And I know that when my parents die, I'm going to be even more overwrought with guilt and regret. But it's a matter of self-preservation. I HAVE to have stability and no more stress or drama. My family reeks of it. (sigh)
posted by: lynne (reply)
post date: 06.15.06 (12:54 pm)
I wasnt able to have a good relationship with my mother until I made myself strong enough to deal with her. My mother is kind of like Scubamom-lite though. She insults and didnt used to respect boundaries and never shared anything personal but to a lesser degree than your mother. So it took me seven years of therapy and by my calculations, since you are starting to work out these issues now, you should have a normal relationship with your mother in 28 years ;)
Seriously though. It might help you if you could make some family. I have done that with some select friends. We are so close we might as well be family and we treat each other like family.
posted by: scubadiva (reply)
post date: 06.15.06 (1:39 pm)
Reply to: lynne
I have Lulu and Sassy as my 'family'. As great companions as they are, somehow they just don't always offer the support and feedback I need. "Meow" just doesn't cut it sometimes, ya know?
I guess I could always spawn to create my own family, but considering how I have no tolerance for anyone under 18, and I can barely manage taking care of myself, I better toss that idea.
I have some wonderful friends - sadly, the ones I'm closest to are the farest away geographically. If I need a hug, I'm outta shit luck.
It's just a tough pill to swallow. After the counseling session, I feel even more hopeless than before.
However, I'm glad all your therapy led to a manageable result.
posted by: onebadjen (reply)
post date: 06.16.06 (6:09 am)
there are extremeds i guess... my dad moved from seattle to savannah to escape his mother. he lets letters from her "age" behind the seat of his truck before he opens them... if he doesn't just write "return to sender" on them and stick them back in the mailbox. there has been times he has signed his letters back to her as "son of a bitch." even moving away doesn't cut it sometimes.
posted by: FinalyFree (reply)
post date: 06.16.06 (7:48 am)
Reply to: scubadiva
It's hard to realize the fact that your family is or may be unhealthy for you. I realized that several years ago, I could never tell my Mother straight out about it but it made me a little more aware. I guess I sat my own boundries at that point and yes it was sad. I have joked several times that therapy taught me one important thing--just exactly how twisted my famiy really is. And that's the truth, it wasn't until I 'heard' myself telling my stories that something clicked and I started on the road to recovery. I have a lot of recovering to do but feel like I'm on my way to resolving some issues. I wish for you the same thing :)
posted by: scubadiva (reply)
post date: 06.16.06 (8:51 am)
Reply to: onebadjen
During the winter when I repeatedly asked her in writing and on the phone to give me some space and she kept writing and calling, I started returning her letters as "return to sender". Then she called even more frequently, claiming she was afraid I had fallen down the stairs. (How would I have fallen down the stairs if I had been able to a) write on the envelope b) take it to the mailbox c) make it inside my front door (All of which involves no stairs...)
posted by: scubadiva (reply)
post date: 06.16.06 (8:55 am)
Reply to: FinalyFree
The funny thing is that I'm the only one in the family that has gone thru counseling yet I'm the one that's viewed as the black sheep, etc. (None of them can even admit that they have any sort of culpability when it comes to disputes/arguments/etc.)
I realize that my mother will probably never 'get' the concept of respecting my boundaries so that means the ball is in my court. Maybe one day I'll be better able to tolerate her invasive tactics.
I wrote a letter in response to the one she sent me earlier this week. I don't know if I'll mail it or not. I'll give it some time to breathe and re-read it. At least I've gotten it off my chest.
by Redonthehead