My  day started out with the absolute worst news possible - my friend Jen's death. Still haven't been able to find out details about who killed her, etc. I'd like to know if she has a gravesite - I'd like to visit it and say my goodbyes. At least I will write her a letter. I blame myself that I should have forgiven her and had her come to Atlanta - watched over her and helped her get her life straightend up.

And it brings to light this whole Bryon thing. Bryon, like Jen, hurt me incredibly. I forgave her. I should have not let it ruin our history. Jen doubted me and wouldn't speak to me for six months because of it - and offered no explanation - just like Bryon did. It makes me wonder if this is some sort of symbol. But it is out of my hands completely. The forgiving is for me to bestow upon Bryon. Could I ever forgive him? I don't know. That's jumping ahead of myself.

The past couple of postings ranting about Bryon were necessary for me. As I've come out of my depression, I've moved out of the utter numbness to experiencing emotions. Haven't been in touch with much other than feeling overwhelmed, abandoned, victimized and alone. I was ANGRY that Bryon would post what he did on Brogonzo's website and not honor our friendship in the least by coming to me. I wanted an explanation. I was hurt and confused. He refused to even acknowledge it. A simple reply explaining that he had found out x and y and therefore didn't want to continue our friendship, I could have dealt with. But one thing that drives me bonkers is not knowing. Complete silence - non-response - no explanation - zilch. Made me doubt myself, wonder what the heck I could have done, made me go into even deeper depression and anxiety.

My therapist last week discussed why I had posted the detailed account of my rape. I told her it was cathartic in a way and I'd never told anyone about it - I'd said I'd been drugged and raped but no one really asked details and I'd never been able to share my story. She asked how I felt afterwards - I said I felt like I had gained a part of myself back.

So, after detailing  in our session last week what had transpired with Bryon - the emails, the sudden silence, the blog posting - she was as befuddled as I was. But due to the 'no contact request', I was going to have to find closure on this on my own. I relied on handy old Tblog to tell my story, the fairy tale of how I met this gallant guy with a passion for diving like my own, how he was such a gentleman, how his flirting made me blush and how protective he was of me and how it made me feel. He confused me inside. I knew I loved him dearly as a friend and trusted him without question. (Something I cannot say about many people) Then I got into the ugly stuff - where I feel that he betrayed our friendship. I was hurt deeply and even more confused - why the hell wouldn't he tell me what was going on? I wondered if he had gone back to the psycho woman that was screening his calls. I wondered if he had been injured - because someone had commented on my blog that Bryon had been seriously injured several months ago. I worried because I cared.

In response, Bryon posted a commentary on his own blog - which he's subsequently deleted. (although I did save it for posterity) He claims that I 'demanded' to find out what he had uncovered. (If you were as frustrated as I was, wouldn't you want to know what would make someone end a friendship and say something so hurtful?) His 'profiler' claims I'm suffering from a 'severe mental illness' and suggested I'm unstable. I read the entire posting to my therapist who laughed and said this profiler needs to get a grip - that I was one of the strongest, most stable and compassionate people she had ever encountered and she admired me. I was diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder which is common for rape victims (not false claims) and was treated for more than 12 weeks. I think if this professional had a better understanding of the situation, he'd recant his claims.

I don't care what Bryon would ever write about me, I would NEVER wish any ill harm for him. It's not in my nature. If Bryon knew me at all, he'd know that. And to those of you that are threatening him - stop it - I've NEVER condoned violence and I do not want you to act out on him in my name or in my cause.

Because I feel like I've aired my grievances and sought my own closure and because of the significance of Jen's murder and our friendship that was destroyed with a similar parallel to the demise of my friendship with Bryon, I've deleted the previous blogs about Bryon. I've gotten it out of my system. Them remaining doesn't benefit me any further. It's a gesture, an olive branch to him. I won't deny that I'm still VERY hurt by how he's handled things over the past 6 months, but it's an opportunity for him to re-evaluate things. If there are questions he has, he should bring them to me - just like I attempted to do with him.

Things happen for a reason and there are lessons to be learned about this. I was sitting in the steam room crying over the news I got about Jen. And it hit me - the similarities of the demise of my friendship with Jen and the demise of my friendship with Bryon. As much as I wish that I could go back and mend my relationship with Jen, I cannot. So I'm doing this in memory of her.

I think one lesson I need to learn from this is forgiveness - because whenever someone has 'betrayed' me, I've axed them, no working things out - just get out and go on. This is also a situation that is beyond my control. I've wanted to kick myself time and time again over the past months because despite what has gone on, a part of me will always love Bryon.

On the subject of highs, I cannot go into details, but today, I was heard. And I was believed. And it felt really good. Before I walked into the meeting, I asked the three friends I've lost in the past 3 years for their strength and support - adding Jen to that list. And I think they were with me.