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| A year ago |
| 05.10.06 (7:50 am) [edit] |
| This is extremely graphic. Consider yourself warned. A year ago today, I came home after being drugged and raped by a so-called friend. This was a guy that I had known for 9 months or so. This was a guy that had approached me on the internet. This was a guy that I *thought* was someone I'd like to get to know better. Todd, aka the rapist, and I talked on the phone and via emails/internet for weeks before we actually met because I was recuperating from surgery and complications. I thought I really got to know him. Part of my interest in him was that I had always had an interest in developing a serious relationship that included some BDSM aspects. (The thought of being tied up, blindfolded, really turned me on) Unlike a lot of the other guys I'd communicated with, Todd had expressed that he felt it took time to develop it and that friendship and a regular relationship and trust had to be firmly established. I finally agreed to meet him on an afternoon at a Long Horn Steakhouse. He drank lemonade and I had water. I didn't think the chemistry was there like it had been over the phone, the meeting was fairly brief. Thought that was the end of it. Yet we continued to talk. We met for lunch a few weeks later. I recall he walked me to my car and gave me a kiss. Complications from my surgery had me back at the hospital. The day I got home, he asked if he could come by to say hello. I was reticent, but said ok. He was in/out in less than 5 minutes. He had asked me to write about what I thought I wanted in a BDSM relationship and what I expected in my partner. I gave it to him then. The first Sunday in December, he was going to come over for lunch. I was cooking something and had gone to great lenghts to make sure the house was clean and had prepared a nice meal. He was supposed to show up at 12-12:30. 1pm comes - no Todd. 2pm comes - no Todd. I call his cell - goes to vm. I leave a msg asking if he was ok - didn't know if he had been in a car accident or something. I was genuinely concerned. Monday I send an email - no reply. Wednesday I get a ranting email from him saying he had been called into work and showed a completely out of character response. I told him so and that a 30 second phone call or email saying he wasn't coming would have been courteous. At that point, Todd was history. I started seeing someone else who I found fairly boring but had its perks. I admit, it was pretty much purely sexual - sporadic - but it had its moments. I was dating others - note - dating does not mean sleeping with. I was out looking for someone that could fill Prince Charming's shoes. In February, Todd started IM'ing me. Turns out he had been seeing someone else the same time as he was seeing me. (So much for honesty about dating exclusively to get to know each other). And he had recently found out she had been two-timing him (karma's a bitch).I was stand-offish and avoided talking about my personal (aka dating life). Our communication consisted of him bitching about work, me editing his reports, and just general conversations. Because he could IM at work, he had me download some software that encrypted our conversations so that his superiors couldn't read them. We were on a casually friendly basis. I had no desire to try again with him. His behavior was too unstable for me. Still, I was open to having a friendship of some level with him. He had just gotten canned from his job, so I felt sort of sorry for him and he had seemed somewhat down. I was still seeing Mr. Perks every couple of weeks - I wasn't looking to get laid. I'm a one guy kinda girl. Todd invited me over to cookout and sun the weekend before the rape. I said ok to it. He was going to call me back with directions, etc to his home. He never called back. So I was somewhat miffed. When he was canned, I removed the encryption software from MSN on my computer (because it was a pain in the ass). I got this IM exchange from him the night of the rape, inviting me over... 5/9/2005 7:39:36 PM Todd: So sorry about yesterday I am leaving to do to Tybee 5/9/2005 7:41:30 PM Todd: If you would like to jion me these are the disrections to my home.. I wouldn't blame you if you did not respond. Regardless. I am a departing at 0400 or so for the beach. I would enjoy the pleasure of your comapany. 5/9/2005 7:41:57 PM Todd: or your could give me the finger 5/9/2005 7:42:36 PM ScubaDiva: I don't know what to say Todd. I put myself out there and every time I end up feeling like I've been played. 5/9/2005 7:43:30 PM ScubaDiva: I start to hope that things have changed... 5/9/2005 7:45:18 PM Todd: I told you my address there is no reason to feel slighted. If you can make your way here and I am waiting in my own home ____where could could I go? 5/9/2005 7:46:04 PM Todd: pack your bags Scuba 5/9/2005 7:46:07 PM ScubaDiva: I think you are an exceptional person. I have wanted to spend some time with you. We haven't seen each other in 6 months - can you believe it's been that long? 5/9/2005 7:46:19 PM Todd: no I cant 5/9/2005 7:46:58 PM Todd: surf sail ocean ? 5/9/2005 7:47:02 PM Todd: pack 5/9/2005 7:47:17 PM ScubaDiva: I have dr's appts Tues, Weds, & Thurs 5/9/2005 7:47:26 PM Todd: aha 5/9/2005 7:48:20 PM Todd: well you are still welcome to come over while I pack..I will break and talk and ??? 5/9/2005 7:48:50 PM ScubaDiva: the directions were cut off after Lawrenceville Hwy - email them to me and I'll think about it. 5/9/2005 7:49:30 PM Todd: hold on 5/9/2005 7:50:03 PM ScubaDiva: I need to get my dinner out of the microwave... 5/9/2005 7:50:10 PM Todd: go 5/9/2005 7:50:29 PM ScubaDiva: will do. So I have my dinner and decide to go over to his place. Retrospectively, the statement by him about taking a break from talking and "???" didn't register. I would have made it clear that was not the reason for my visit. Not planning on staying more than 20 minutes, I left my purse and cell phone in the car. I was in grubby shorts and t-shirt. (Not exactly attire to seduce) We sat outside for a few mins but the skeeters were eating me alive. He kept offering me a drink, but I had brought my bottle of water with me. He said to me, ironically, "Do you think I'm going to drug you or something?" We talked for a few minutes and I told him that I was disappointed in his on again/off again friendship. I was there when he needed work help or to vent, but was unreliable and arrogant. He apologized and said he'd make a concerted effort. I told him he was 'on probation' with me and not off my shit list. We had a hug and a kiss - which caught me off guard. He took me around his home, showing me the floors and how he wanted to redo his kitchen cabinetry. He's an avid celtic fiddler, so he showed me his music room. There was nowhere to sit down, so he told me to sit on his bed in the next room. I felt uncomfortable about it, but there weren't any other chairs. I recall he went into a bag, I thought it was some other piece of equipment for his fiddle. Instead, he grabbed my head and shoved a glass vial under my nose. The room started spinning and I felt lightheaded to the nth degree. When I came to, I was naked on his bed. I was restrained in a rather unconventional way - he had some sort of clips attached to my nipples and strings running thru the clips - the strings ran thru hooks in the ceiling attached to weights. I couldn't move. The pain was excruciating. Every time I started to get my wits about me, he'd put more of the vial in my face, making me out of it again. I kept telling him to stop, asking him what it was - he told me it was to 'loosen' me 'up'. I kept fighting and he told me that if I didn't stop, that he'd pour the liquid on a rag and shove it into my mouth. So I quit fighting. I wanted to get out of there alive. The next six hours are a blur. I remember him using electrical devices (TENS unit and something called a violet wand) on my genitals that made me scream and beg for mercy. I remember him undoing me from the restraints of the ceiling when I begged to use the restroom. I ended up walking into walls on the way. I thought of making a run for it, but my car keys were in my shorts and I knew I couldn't drive anyway. So then he started using canes and whips all over my body. He was smoking pot and blowing it into my mouth, holding my nose and keeping his mouth over mine so I couldn't exhale. He was sniffing the vials too - which made it hard for him to keep any sort of erection. Still, he managed to make penetration at some times because he managed to give me HPV - aka genital warts. And yes, it was him because I had gotten a pap smear three weeks prior that was clear and the only other sexual partner I had had in the past year has tested negative repeatedly... I whole heartedly admit that I was curious about BDSM - the thought of being tied up was something that had intrigued me. I had done a lot of research on it and had learned the 'rules of play' although I had yet to find a man that I felt was worthy of exploring it with. There's a creed called "SSC" Safe Sane Consensual play - meaning that there are safewords to stop play and everything is agreed upon in regard to limits. Even if Todd got his lines mixed up - there was no miscommunication there. I would NEVER have agreed to the intense abuse he did. And I certainly wouldn't have agreed to the drugging. And I wouldn't have agreed to explore it with Todd, based on his past behavior - despite his claims of years and years of BDSM experience. In the morning, still totally woozy, I dressed. He again invited me to go to Tybee Island with him. I was in shock. I kept asking him what it was that he gave me - finally he told me it was "Rush". I had no clue what the hell it was. I don't remember the drive home - I immediately emailed several of my friends asking them what "Rush" was. (ProducerBoy and three others can verify me asking that morning). Then I took a very long shower, tried to assess the damage done to me, putting ointment on all of the whip marks and crawled into bed crying. Later that day, I posted a detailed account of what happened on another website - there was no "I change my mind and called it rape a few days later". Well, detailed in the sense of what I could recall. I still can't remember all the details - it's like momentary flashes of things that happened. I called my doctor when I had my sense about me two days later - I went to my doctor and got tested and she documented all of my bruises, cuts, lacerations and burn marks. It was 'too late' to do the rape kit but I was in a fog for a good two-three days afterwards. Be it the shock, the drugs, or the stroke induced from all the Amyl Nitrate Todd drugged me with. The funny thing is, that the sex itself doesn't really impact me - the rape crisis center said that it was most likely because I was so out of it. When I confided in what happened to some of my friends, including my 'dear friend' AirborneRTO (a federal police officer), they volunteered to seriously hurt or perhaps even kill Todd. I said no. I believe in karma and I didn't want to risk anyone that was close to me possibly being hurt or getting caught. A year later, the police (being investigated for their lack of proper procedures) have done squat. I'm angry at the lies and runaround they have given me. (That's a whole 'nother story) Todd (and AirborneRTO aka Bryon) have both hurt me immmeasurably. It wasn't the rape per-se. It was the trust. These were people that I thought were trustworthy. Now not only do I doubt just about everyone, including some people close to me, but I totally doubt my own judgment. If I can't trust someone I've known for 5+ years and pledged friendship to me, or someone I've known for 9 months - who can I trust? I didn't really think that this day would stir things up like they have. The past week has been utterly a nightmare - from the dr. suggesting I have MS, to Bryon (aka AirborneRTO) showing his true colors, to realizing this year has finally come full circle. I'm not a crier - never have been - but I've cried more in the past week than I can recall in ages. And without prevocation. Perhaps this was a little more reality than some of you readers might have wanted this morning and perhaps some of it will shock you about the infamous ScubaDiva. But I'm not ashamed at all and know that I have done nothing wrong. |
posted by: surrogate (reply)
post date: 05.10.06 (3:20 am)
Lousy deal. Here's to a better year this next year. Hope things get better.
posted by: bacardibreezer (reply)
post date: 05.10.06 (3:32 am)
That is just crazy. I really hope that guy gets put away for a loooong time. When I was raped, I got hurt as well but I didn't catch anything, and thank god there wasn't any of that s&m shit he did to you. That isn't what BDSM is about. Are you getting counseling or anything? I really hope you can get past this whole thing, and find someone you can trust.
posted by: chicalookate (reply)
post date: 05.10.06 (4:20 am)
Like I told you earlier you can call and ramble to me anytime. And hopefully the police will get their act together!
posted by: mercuryrising (reply)
post date: 05.10.06 (5:15 am)
I'm sorry that happened to you. Being in a somewhat similiar situation I completely understand what you have gone through..what you are still going through. It's hard but I like to think what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger. Keep your chin up kid...It will get better :)
posted by: Supremeanna (reply)
post date: 05.10.06 (8:59 am)
I'm so sorry, but you're strong woman and you're a survivor. Those are wonderful qualities.
posted by: scubadiva (reply)
post date: 05.10.06 (11:57 am)
Reply to: Supremeanna
Doesn't feel so strong or wonderful at the moment. Or for most of the past year.
But thanks you.
posted by: guitarman47 (reply)
post date: 05.10.06 (12:00 pm)
Man, I feel so sad after reading that. I am so sorry. You deserve much better. I wonder if the MS, is an effect of the drugs that he gave you. Geesh, what a dickhead. Can I hurt him for you, damn i would enjoy the hell out of that.
posted by: toztee (reply)
post date: 05.10.06 (2:11 pm)
Don't let that S. O. B. keep hurting you.
Please talk to a professional counselor. The experience usually doesn't ever leave until it has been dealt with completely. You don't want to get 8 years down the road, after the crime, and still be dealing with after effects. You're right, you didn't do anything wrong. HE DID. Yet...you are the one with the scars that have left you with hurts that can get worse over the years if they aren't dealt with now. Talking with friends helps, writing about it too, all of that is good...but a professional can help you get to the deeper hurts that you don't even recognize. Seek the help, find solutions. Regain all your strength. .
If it's a year later and bothering you like it is, that means it's not over for you. Take control.
posted by: brogonzo (reply)
post date: 05.10.06 (7:32 pm)
I'm sorry you have to remember this awful experience today. I know you're strong, and I hope you can use that fact to make it through this terrible memory that must be so poignant today. Don't forget to call if you need a pal. Take care, Scuba.
posted by: scubadiva (reply)
post date: 05.11.06 (3:36 pm)
Reply to: brogonzo
Thanks. I'm trying to be strong. I think I have a lot of people fooled into thinking I'm stronger than I am because I'm a pile of mush. I just don't let people see the vulnerable non-invincible me.
posted by: scubadiva (reply)
post date: 05.11.06 (3:38 pm)
Reply to:
I have been in counseling thru the rape crisis center - which wasn't for me. Then I underwent some experimental treatment for depression so I couldn't get counseling simultaneously. I called my old therapist to restart things next week.
He's not going to get away with it. I'm still pushing the DA to charge him and I'm waiting for that to be resolved so that I can take him to civil court.
posted by: scubadiva (reply)
post date: 05.11.06 (3:38 pm)
Reply to: guitarman47
I'd rather hurt him in court. Having it on his record. Forever. Professionally. I think that is justice enough for me.
posted by: scubadiva (reply)
post date: 05.11.06 (3:39 pm)
Reply to: mercuryrising
Whoever came up with that saying 'whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger' - I want to strangle their ass.
But thanks nonetheless.
posted by: Rinn (reply)
post date: 05.11.06 (3:54 pm)
You know I'm around if you need an ear/eye. I can commend you for being strong and brave and all the rest, but I think I know the way you really feel behind all of that, because I feel it every day, too. As incompetent as the judicial system has been to you to date, I sincerely hope that you have enough to put Todd in jail for a long, long time.
Of all the things that bring us back to reading each other, huh Scubs?
posted by: PastorDave (reply)
post date: 05.11.06 (4:59 pm)
That is a terrible experience. And this guy who treated you this way is a monster. Is there still the possibility for him to be prosecuted? I will bet that he has done this to other women. And, yes, I understand why you would have a trust issue. I will say this: A man who treats a woman as an object is no man; just a piece of debris. I respect that you restrained your friends from physically harming this animal, and you probably displayed more character than would I. I hope, with time, the pain is lessening and you will learn to trust again.
My goodness, but that is the most intense story I have ever encountered in blogging.
I will say a prayer for you. Your honesty is amazing.
posted by: onebadjen (reply)
post date: 05.11.06 (8:39 pm)
damn, its been a whole year already? a pity i can't have him over for our next gnome blow out... i could have such fun. but as you have repeatedly said, it needs to be known, and on his record for life.
posted by: scubadiva (reply)
post date: 05.12.06 (1:07 am)
Reply to: Rinna
I still read your blog all the time. Just sometimes I don't know what to say. But I read it.
I don't hold much hope for getting criminal prosecution so I'm going about it with civil atty's once the DA's office tells me they aren't doing anything about it. And, I'm talking to a reporter about doing a story on how the police have handled this case. Perhaps it will put a fire under their arses or at least bring to light what has gone on so that no other woman has to be treated by the police in my county like they have.
posted by: scubadiva (reply)
post date: 05.12.06 (1:10 am)
Reply to: onebadjen
It feels like I've aged 10 years in the past year. 365 days seems so short in comparison to the emotional rollercoaster/nightmare I've been on. The friends that have abandoned me (ie XairborneRTO) over this and the ones that have stuck by my side and showed me that true friendship exists.
posted by: scubadiva (reply)
post date: 05.12.06 (1:14 am)
Reply to: PastorDave
The Dekalb County Police and DA's office have been blowing smoke up my ass or lying to me or completely inept the entire time. I have YET to be interviewed.
I'm communicating with a reporter for the AJC about it - due to all the scuffle that is going on at the Dekalb PD. Maybe it will piss them off and do something about it or close the book so that I can pursue things civilally. That way, it will be on his record - I don't care about money because no amount of money could ever undue the damage he's inflicted. I still wish that it could be done crimininally so he'll be a convicted sex offender.
I know that not all police are bad but my experience with them so far has been abysmal.
posted by: anon (reply)
post date: 05.12.06 (2:43 pm)
lovely language to Pastor Dave. That pretty much sums it up no?
posted by: ggirl (reply)
post date: 05.15.06 (5:04 am)
It's never about the sexual part. It's just what you were talking about...the violation of trust that makes you question your own judgment. It's about shame...did something I do invite this? Even when you know you didn't. It's about the loss of control. I think there's nothing worse than that.
Sometimes you just have to let yourself feel really bad in order to get past feeling bad. I concur with your friends who suggest counseling. As a rape victim myself who didn't acknowledge the rape until 30 years later, I can attest to the damage it continues to wreak upon you. Please take care of yourself. You're in my prayers.
posted by: scubadiva (reply)
post date: 05.20.06 (1:54 am)
Reply to:
No, you didn't read correctly. The former FPO was someone who I thought was my friend. (I'll be blogging about him later this weekend). Todd, the man who drugged and raped me, is, in IT.
Deleting your comment because I don't want there to be any confusion.
posted by: scubadiva (reply)
post date: 05.23.06 (2:44 pm)
Reply to: aliciarose
My strength has a lot to do with my friends - those that stuck with me. It made me realize who the real ones are. And who aren't. I still don't know what's to come of all this - but one day at a time.
posted by: scubadiva (reply)
post date: 05.23.06 (2:47 pm)
Reply to: ggirl
Actually, I've never felt ashamed and never doubted that I did anything wrong. It's a matter of trusting my own judgment and those around me. If you can't trust a 'friend' of 5 years and a guy you've known for 9 months... however do you figure it out?
The counselor at the rape crisis center said that I was rather 'lucky' so to say in regard to being drugged - I would be a heckuva lot more traumatized if I hadn't have been drugged and recalled every moment of what he did.
I hope that you continue to heal as well. Thank you for your prayers.
by Redonthehead