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| Diva's Showdown with The Mother |
| 02.05.06 (11:35 am) [edit] |
|
For the past several weeks, I've repeatedly advised the mother that I just can't deal with her right now. That although she means well, she only causes more stress and I need a break from her. But apparently this isn't very clear to her. So after every time I tell her that, she sends a long martyr-ridden letter about how she wants to help me and that she doesn't understand why I won't let her help. (Apparently, she doesn't think that her guilt letters don't aggravate and stress me out more.) Then she calls. Repeatedly. I don't answer. She makes up ridiculous reasons for her urgently seeing me - about signing a letter that she had already dated and she wanted to postmark to match the date on the letter. (It was a f'ing birthday card to my cousin that I haven't seen in 3+ years or spoken to in more than a year.) She was acting like this was a matter of life or death. Then she called again yesterday saying that she was worried that I was laying dead at the foot of my stairs because I haven't returned her calls. (She loves to use this one) That she was coming over to check on me. I left a note on the door telling her that I appreciated her concern but again, that I needed a break from her, that I had more stress than I could handle right now and that because she was incapable or unwilling to respect boundaries in our relationship, that I was unable to interact with her. That I knew she truly meant the best for me, but the best thing she could do for me right now was to leave me alone. She didn't come over yesterday but she called again this morning. This voicemail again said that she was afraid the cats were starving because I had fallen down the stairs and was dead. (Perhaps I should tell her that if I do fall down the stairs and die, that I will call her immediately or train the cats to speed dial her?) She showed up a few minutes ago and first did a drive-by. Then she checks my mailbox. Then she goes to the front door where the note to her is taped, she takes it and drives off. I feel horrible about it. (She's told me I'm behaving selfishly on more than one occasion because I won't let her help me out.) But she knows nothing about the rape and the other stuff. She just thinks that the stress is related to my Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and dealing with the medical maze and financial stress... I'm an only child and she's said (numerous times) that I'm the sole reason for her existence. She doesn't get that I'm an adult and as much as there are times that I need help, I would never reach out to her because there are always strings and she takes over. (That old saying of give her an inch and she'll take a mile.) I need harmony and peace. There's not enough Klonopin for me to cope with her right now. Even Shespecies have volunteered to call her and tell her to give me some space. Sweet gesture but my mother wouldn't get it and she only hears what she wants to. |
posted by: almsthvn (reply)
post date: 02.05.06 (6:55 am)
I'm sorry your alls relationship is so bad, but you do what you have to in order to take care of yourself.
"sole reason for her existence" - ugh. Doug says that kind of thing about katie, too, I hate it. It's reversing the parent-child roles, isn't it.
posted by: surrogate (reply)
post date: 02.05.06 (6:57 am)
lousy... does she do the ultimatum thing?
posted by: KeysTreasures (reply)
post date: 02.05.06 (7:53 am)
If she is anything like my mother it will continue to the end. I can't tell you how many phone messages included wondering if I was dead!
posted by: lynne (reply)
post date: 02.06.06 (9:11 am)
I have always thought that there should be some kind of program that pairs up adults with OTHER people's parents for a while. Like, I like my mother a lot but her problem is that she is too distant and there was a time in my life (late 20's) when I really wanted someone a little less distant.
Like when I was in my twenties, my mother came and visited me at my house maybe once or twice. That's right, in an entire decade, she came over to my house ONE TIME and probably dropped me off or picked me up a few other times but I wasnt sure if I should count sitting in the drive as coming over. She has come over more frequently now that I am in my 30's. I have lived in my current house for five years and she has come over a couple of times a year.
Phone calls. Well, once in a while if she has something to tell me, she calls. It is less than once a month. Generally though, I end up seeing her when I go to her house which I do a lot in the summer and less so in the winter.
I am not really complaining about her but there was a time when I might have liked a little more attention. And obviously you seem like the sort who would appreciate her tendency to keep her distance.
posted by: Dstar (reply)
post date: 02.06.06 (11:54 am)
My boy and I were just reading your post. He says "eeeee, aaahhhhiiii, mmmmmmmmmm!!!!!" That is the extent of his vocabulary (10 months old). I am sure there is some wisdom in there.
Try not to feel bad. There really isn't much else you can do without making yourself crazy. You're not being selfish either.
posted by: beadjunkie (reply)
post date: 02.07.06 (6:20 am)
yes my mother smothers me at times too.. the past couple of months she's started working out and now she doesn't call me every day. It's peaceful not having her tell me how to live my life everyday and listen to her rambling gossip of family members I really don't care about.
She just doesn't understand that it was her that caused my depression so many years ago.To this date she still blames the x. She is one of those ppl that is always right, never wrong. Her oh so "kind" words that she uses, makes me feel like crap.
Hopefully your mother will understand and give you your space, and I'll pray she finds a hobby too.
posted by: FinalyFree (reply)
post date: 02.07.06 (8:40 am)
Reading this post made me laugh and then sigh. My relationship with my own Mother was so similar to yours it's a little scary. My Mother was a control freak to the bitter end. When I did stand up to her it was always twisted (by her) to mean I didn't care about her, yadda yadda yadda. I'm sure you know the drill. Everyday is a struggle for me now, her death is still an open sore in my heart but deep down inside I know our relationship was as much as it ever could be. I catch myself feeling guilty at times because while I miss her terribly, there are many things I don't miss. Understand? Kind of a catch-22 type situation.
I wish I had some 'pearls' of wisdom, but I don't. Mother/Daughter relationships fascinate me. I wish I'd just been better at dealing with mine...but in the end I know I did the best I could.
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 02.08.06 (3:32 am)
Reply to: almsthvn
It sucks. It's a shame. And it's just a wee bit of pressure to put on a kid...
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 02.08.06 (3:34 am)
Reply to: FinalyFree
I just wish that I could find some middle ground. It's a shame. I feel terribly guilty about interacting with her but she pushes every single button in the book and comes up with a few new ones.
I hope you are able to come to some sort of peace about your own mom. I know it's easier said than done, but perhaps you can come up with a way to make peace and let go of the burden.
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 02.08.06 (3:36 am)
Reply to: beadjunkie
So far so good, I was expecting a letter in the mail yesterday... Perhaps she is actually abiding by things for a change.
I don't want to blame her for my situation now. I'm an adult. She did the best she could as a parent and it is my responsibility to figure out a way to deal (or not deal) with her.
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 02.08.06 (3:37 am)
Reply to: Dstar
Was he drooling while he said that as well? LOL
Picturing infant therapist. Laying back on the couch while he sucks on his toes. Maybe that's the solution?
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 02.08.06 (3:38 am)
Reply to: KeysTreasures
Maybe I should get one of those alarm necklaces marketed to old people that rings directly into her if I need assistance.
But then she'd start being concerned that I'd fallen in the shower because you can't wear it in the shower! LOL
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 02.08.06 (3:43 am)
Reply to: lynne
Sort of like a version of "Wife Swap" but it's "Mother Swap"... Make us realize that it could be a lot worse. Or we could beg the other parent to adopt us? LOL
It's not that I feel that ideally I want distance from her. I wish that we had the type of relationship where we could interact and be friends. But she is an odd sort - she wants to be all in my life, but doesn't share any sort of personal information about herself. She has always refused to share her own personal opinions - ie political views, etc. She has mentioned after-the-fact that she was in the hospital three times but to this day refused to tell me why. (That seems normal, right?)
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 02.08.06 (3:44 am)
Reply to: surrogate
I'm the ultimatum one. LOL
posted by: FinalyFree (reply)
post date: 02.08.06 (5:41 am)
Reply to: ScubaDiva
I often found myself wishing for the same thing. My poor Mother was a star-quality travel agent for guilt trips, when you combined that with my own guilt I felt the weight of the burden at times was suffocating--I can see you *nodding* your head as you read, lol.
My Mom also demanded 100% loyalty, i.e. we kids were supposed to agree with her beliefs and ideals even as adults. Of course we didn't and she'd just shake her head and say something like, "I find it hard to believe I raised someone that's so mixed up." Yay, more guilt! She had many good qualities, but more often than not it was hard to focus on them. I'm sure you being an only child makes it even worse, atleast I had another sister that took some of the heat. Hopefully your Mom will mellow out and you two can find some common middle ground :)
by Redonthehead