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| Goal-oriented Weekend |
| 01.15.06 (6:23 pm) [edit] |
| Being I spent last weekend on the sofa paralyzed with my first (and hopefully last) migraine, I decided to set my goals a little loftier... Someone that has been exceptionally close to me and supportive over the past six+ months threw a zinger on me Thursday night. Being slow to react as I like to process things, you know, mull them over, what keeps coming back to mind is that I feel betrayed. Realistically speaking, there has been no discussion about any actions warranting something betrayal-esque, but I thought the feelings were mutual and that some things didn't need to be said. Every moment of this weekend has been obsessing about him and what he's doing. His vm to me on Friday said he'd "talk to me on Monday." (Understand that this is a person that I talk to at least 5 times a day - he's the first person I speak to in the morning and the last person at night.) If it weren't for him, I would have been dead New Year's Eve. My old Diva response to all of this is to shut down emotionally, pull back, throw the baby out with the bathwater. There's nothing he can say to undo it. I'm hurt and disappointed. Saying anything to him about it would do nothing but cause pain for him - and it's undeserved. I blame myself for assuming things that I shouldn't have. I realize that I've grown too dependent on him and I need to cut the strings immediately. Damage control. So I've spent the weekend being quite self-destructive, from downing interesting concoctions of Klonopin, Ativan, and vodka. (My goal for the weekend is to finish the 1.75 liter bottle of vodka and I'm more than 1/2way there.) Hockey Player28 would be proud of me! Since tomorrow's a holiday, I'm giving myself tomorrow to finish it off. So, in summary, the deep dark abyss that I am residing in is a lot darker and deeper these days. I blame myself - when you lean on others, you're bound to get hurt. |
posted by: beadjunkie (reply)
post date: 01.15.06 (1:36 pm)
OH Scub, I so know that darkness you are in. I wish i was there so that you would have someone good to lean on for support. I know it is so hard to find good support these days. Beadjunkie is my new blog name you will know me as kreativekat. Find the strength within to fight that darkness.
by Redonthehead