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| Another Chance? |
| 12.01.05 (6:36 am) [edit] |
|
Something happened yesterday that I've been frantic for. I'm still in a sort of disbelief... I have been friends with someone for a few years. He's someone that I have always respected immensely. The epitome of integrity. I loved him dearly as a friend. Not something that I say about many people. He's one of the first people that I confided in about the rape. He tried to convince me to go to the police. I was confused and dazed. His support was integral to me going to the police and knowing that he'd be there for me. He got all protective on me and it made me feel safer. Normally, we spoke every couple of days. Then in late June, the calls stopped. He didn't return any of my calls. I was concerned. It was so unlike him. I called him as I left the police station - in hysterics - never returned my voicemail. I've continually kept calling him - 3-4x a week sometimes - never getting a return call. I felt like a stalker. I guess I was. I started doubting myself. Wondering what I had done to upset him, to make him turn his back on me. It added to the anxiety that I was going through. I had trusted "T" - thought he was my friend - and he drugged and raped me. And now I thought this other person was someone who was my friend, but without explanation, nothing. The sense of trusting my own judgment was completely blown. I blamed myself completely for something I knew not what I'd done. Yesterday, he called me. I was dumbfounded. I had to pull over. I had left a msg asking him if he would at least cooperate with the Ass't District Atty. He explained that he's been involved with a 'psycho' but 'the sex was great'. There's now a restraining order against her (guess you could say it's over). We talked for a long time. He was acting as if it hadn't been 5 months since we spoke. I wasn't able to laugh at his jokes. I don't understand how he could have not gotten one out of probably 100+ messages I left. (She supposedly deleted the calls when he wasn't aware). Presuming that is true, my question to him is still - you knew I had been raped and was struggling - did it not occur to you once to call me? It's a relief to know that it wasn't me - that it wasn't something I had done. This has caused me so much torment. I'm disappointed in him. If he can ignore me for a piece of ass, what sort of friendship did we really have? Should I give him another chance? |
posted by: chicalookate (reply)
post date: 12.01.05 (6:00 am)
I would have to ask him just what you wrote in that last two paragraphs. Basically "what the fuck"? I would be very very cautious before trusting him again. That is a big let down and is not one that can be ignored.
posted by: onebadjen (reply)
post date: 12.01.05 (7:41 am)
yeah that that she said... i remember reading your posts on all the hurt this caused you, and now he wants to blame it on some psycho chic? he could have at least called once to let you know that he was busy or involved or something...
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 12.01.05 (10:28 am)
Reply to: chicalookate
That's how I feel. But several guy friends are minimizing it, saying give him a break. If he wasn't aware of the rape, then *maybe* I might be able to get past it a lot easier, but... I'm working on a letter to him. I don't want it to be bitter, or blaming - I just want him to understand where I'm coming from. I don't think he really understood how bad the past several months have been...
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 12.01.05 (10:29 am)
Reply to: onebadjen
I hate people that put their friends on hold while in a relationship and then expect everything to be hunky-dory when it's kaput. I've never done that and think it shows how much value friendship means to the other person.
posted by: Dstar (reply)
post date: 12.01.05 (3:45 pm)
I think you should talk to him about it. It is worth giving him a chance to explain himself, that is all. It doesn't need to be confrontational or anything, just you trying to understand. Then you will be able to make a decision on what you do in the future.
I have a friend that got me through a really tough time. We would talk for hours every day. We kind of went different directions and rarely talk anymore. I don't think she feels the way you do, but I honestly wouldn't know. I do know that I certainly would be very mad at myself if she did. I will have to give her a call tonight! The differance is that she is blissfully happy right now and hasn't had to go through anything like you have. I would definetly be there if she had. Okay, I don't feel so guilty now.
posted by: almsthvn (reply)
post date: 12.02.05 (3:15 am)
I assume that any friendship from here out will be markedly different from the friendship you had before. Whether or not to move forward (assuming he calls again, of course) depends on if the "new" friendship is one you find satisfying.
my pal for years vanished suddenly. "radio silence", I called it. Finally about 6 months later he resumed communication but has not explained what happened. I was crushed - that he gave me the silent treatment and that he was too big of a wuss to tell me what was up. Very disappointing because he'd been "Superman" up to that point. It's a bit disappointing to see a superhero in his civvies ;)
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 12.02.05 (4:01 am)
Reply to: tngirl6599
I've thought about it a lot... I called him from a number he didn't recognize in September - and he actually answered - said he was sick and would call me back. (And he never did...) A lot has gone thru my mind and he has a lot of explaining to do. I think our friendship is broken, but salvageable.
And, because he has an extensive law enforcement background, he's quite familiar with dealing with rape, etc. So I don't buy that one...
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 12.02.05 (4:02 am)
Reply to: Dstar
I've written him a letter (after about 20 revisions). I don't want it to be a rub his nose in it - but I need answers. And I'm going to tell him that the ball is in his court - if he values my friendship, he's going to have to earn my confidence back.
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 12.02.05 (4:04 am)
Reply to: almsthvn
I need explanations. I think that he could earn my friendship back and we could be (even closer) than we were before - or it could be the end of the friendship.
posted by: trekguy (reply)
post date: 12.02.05 (10:27 am)
Ah yeah, like chica said WTF???!!!
Guys can be dorks, but this guy! Whoa!!
posted by: Dstar (reply)
post date: 12.02.05 (12:35 pm)
Reply to: ScubaDiva
Yeah, I bet it is difficult to get everything to sound right and still be understood. Good luck with it.
posted by: SweetDiva (reply)
post date: 12.02.05 (2:27 pm)
He's full of sh!t.
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 12.03.05 (4:47 am)
Reply to: Dstar
It's in the mail, so it's outta my hands now. Will just have to wait and see. The ball is in his court.
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 12.03.05 (4:47 am)
Reply to: SweetDiva
LOL - you always seem to get straight to the point. ;)
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 12.03.05 (4:50 am)
Reply to: trekguy
I'm notorious for 'axe-ing' people from my lives when they let me down. I'm trying to look at it from a different perspective - this whole ordeal has really impacted my judgment and trust in myself and in others. He is one of the people that I've trusted most in my life - so just maybe, it's an opportunity for me to regain some of that trust. (Seeing therapist on Thursday, so we'll have PLENTY to talk about)
posted by: 14u2nv2 (reply)
post date: 12.04.05 (8:19 am)
Unless you have been in that sort of relationship, you may not understand. I was with someone who forbade me to talk to anyone of the opposite sex. I can tell you that they do have their ways of enforcing it. Try not to be so hard on him. I know you don't completely understand..but in time, when the real facts come out. You may be surprised to know that he really did want to talk to you but felt as though his hands were tied (so to speak)
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 12.04.05 (8:28 am)
Reply to: 14u2nv2
Thanks for your perspective. He's a big tough military-type guy and I just can't see him being whipped that bad that his loyalty to his friends would be swept under the rug. I've sent him a letter - we'll see what happens.
I have a counseling session on Thursday. For some reason, I have a feeling we'll be discussing this extensively... LOL
posted by: 14u2nv2 (reply)
post date: 12.04.05 (9:44 am)
Reply to: ScubaDiva
Yeah well u never know..but it's prolly best to work through the feelings. I know all to well of the people who become a huge part of your life and then just disappear..It's definately traumatic, especially in times like these.
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