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| Three Things |
| 10.29.05 (7:09 pm) [edit] |
|
1) I bought a money tree. I don't exactly understand how the tree knows which bank account to deposit it in. Can someone please explain this to me? 2) Not sleeping. My mind won't shut up. Between the aforementioned invisible friend and my confusion about how to proceed with the legal stuff against "T" - I'm a wreck. Heart racing... The dr. gave me chill pills (aka Klonopin) to take for them - but I don't want to become dependent on them. I've tried exercising, deep breathing, bubble baths, organizing my shoes (it calms me), reading, writing in my real journal... But every night it's the same thing over and over again. I worry about what I've done to alienate some friends and what I can do to correct it, should I proceed with criminal charges or am I biting off more than I can deal with stresswise? I worry about "T" lashing out at me - I'm having nightmares that he's going to come after me. And I feel conflicted - but that's a whole 'nother saga. 3)The new therapist I saw told me last week that when I speak in any sort of detail about the incident - the drugging and rape - that I become totally unemotional. I'm normally a really animated person but when I refer to it, it's as if I'm talking about picking up dry cleaning and getting my oil changed. She told me that she wanted me to sit down, face-to-face, with a friend that I trusted and felt safe with and tell them the entire course of events. She thinks that it will help unlock all that stuff built up inside me. Problem is, I don't really have anyone here that I can do it with. I'm blessed with some amazing people in my lives, but the people I'm closest to, the people I feel safe with and trust, they are a plane-ride away. 3a) And to me, that's really sad that I don't have any close friends nearby. That gets me misty-eyed. Those that I considered close either aren't the type that would sit for hearing something like that, or they've extricated themselves from my life. (Perhaps for the best) I mourn for those people in my life that I've disappointed and shut out - I put on a really great bravado at times, but behind it is a shell of a person that is confused, scared, and alone. |
posted by: nullfactor (reply)
post date: 10.29.05 (5:06 pm)
Posts like that leave me wishing that I had some really brilliant thing to say that would make everything come to a happy ending like you would expect from those cheesy, 30-minute shows you can catch on your local network affiliate. Unfortunately, I don't have anything of the such to offer. I'm in the same boat that the people I feel closest to are miles away... kinda makes me wonder about myself. At any rate, though, (and as lame as it sounds) I hope you find some sort of closure... a GOOD closure... on this whole ordeal. I can't begin to imagine what it is like.
posted by: SweetDiva (reply)
post date: 10.29.05 (9:14 pm)
There's one good friend that is always there .... but you have to refind HIM when you are ready.
Prayer does work.
Good luck sweetie, wishing nothing but the best for you in all of this.
posted by: kreativekat (reply)
post date: 10.29.05 (10:11 pm)
I can't shut my mind off either. I wake up in middle of the night lately and just cry my eyes out. I haven't gone through what you have, so why is that happening to me?
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 10.30.05 (8:00 am)
Reply to: nullfactor
Thank you. It's a shame life isn't like 30min sit-coms. Or is it? Even when I've caught a part of Dr. Phil - it seems like some of his guests are like "that's it? That's ALL the advice you have for me???"
This is a horrible analogy, but it's how I feel - like a roach, on it's back, kicking to get flipped back over. I'm struggling, flailing about, trying to figure out what the heck to do (Maybe the same with a turtle?)
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 10.30.05 (8:00 am)
Reply to: SweetDiva
The atheist in me thanks you for the kind wishes and support. ;)
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 10.30.05 (8:01 am)
Reply to: kreativekat
Hormones maybe? I dunno. You can talk to your doctor - maybe you have Generalized Anxiety Disorder....
Just because you haven't been thru what I have, doesn't mean you don't have reasons to feel all jumbled up inside.
posted by: nullfactor (reply)
post date: 10.31.05 (6:23 am)
Reply to: ScubaDiva
Actually, that's a pretty good analogy... that must sum up the sensation. Here's hoping that you get yourself flipped back over and on track before too long. :)
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 10.31.05 (1:44 pm)
Reply to: nullfactor
With my luck, someone will smoosh me first. LOL
posted by: LarryConley (reply)
post date: 11.01.05 (3:13 am)
Reply to: ScubaDiva
""Reply to: nullfactor
With my luck, someone will smoosh me first. LOL""
Nah.. you'll survive anything.. including being nuked ;) I'll be sure to tell the fellow how sorry I feel for him while the tar is still heating... whose got the feathers? and what time is the train we're tying him too leaving?
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 11.01.05 (3:36 am)
Reply to: LarryConley
This girl has been through enough - I'm worn out physically, mentally, and spiritually. I'm not Wonder Woman and I could really use some run of good fortune...
The detective left a message yesterday saying that he had an update - we're playing phone tag - no clue what it is.
posted by: lynne (reply)
post date: 11.02.05 (1:46 pm)
You know...if you are really feeling down and lonely and your friends are miles away...pick up the phone and call them. It isnt quite the same but it works.
*If you are like me and often find that you need to talk to someone in the middle of the night, call your friends on the west coast or hawaii :)
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 11.03.05 (4:22 am)
Reply to: lynne
I have no friends in Hawaii... Unfortunately, my pals that live a few time zones away have families and lives and jobs and can't be up late talking to my pathetic posterior.
by Redonthehead