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| Silence is Deafening and Heartbreaking |
| 08.21.05 (7:04 pm) [edit] |
|
I know the tone of my postings over the past couple of months have taken a change in direction. I've been really struggling with the residual effects of the incident with "T". There's a lot that I haven't shared on Tblog because I felt it was too personal or didn't feel like getting shit from the idiots. Unfortunately, things have been a lot harder on me in the past 2 months or so because two people that I thought were my friends and thought they supported me have suddenly become personas invisibles. Ironically, these were the very first two people I shared what happened with "T". They both offered their support and promised that they would be there for me and help me get through this. Instead, without explanation, my calls and emails have gone unreturned. Even when I've been in a particularly low point and crying, begging to talk to me - he has not returned my calls. I've never been one to reach out when struggling, and to have it ignored repeatedly, merely reaffirms my motto of relying strictly on oneself. I don't understand. It's made me doubt myself even more. It's made me question myself even more. It's made the dark deep abyss I've been dangling over even lonelier. It makes me terribly sad because I thought we were friends. I miss our conversations, the laughter, the friendship. I'm hurting so much - their silence is deafening and, at times, is even more painful than the residual "T" stuff. Trying to regain my sense of sanity after the drugging and sexual assault is hard enough - doing it when your friends appear to have been abducted by aliens is just icing on my birthday cake. At times, I'm pissed as heck. Friends are supposed to be there for each other. I would bend over backwards and give my left ovary for either of them. I don't know if I could ever forgive. I feel abandoned. I feel betrayed. I feel beaten down. I feel self-doubt - thinking these persons were my friends. I guess I'm an idiot for believing it. I'm tired of beating myself up over it. I need closure and until I have some sort of explanation, it haunts me. I just need to know. I'll accept it - not that I have any choice in the situation. Clearly, I've done something I'm completely unaware of - I cannot right it or apologize without knowing what it was that I did. Whatever it was, I'm sorry Bryon. I truly am. |
posted by: kreativekat (reply)
post date: 08.21.05 (5:06 pm)
I completely know where you are coming from when it comes to persons whom you thought were your friends and not being there when you needed them most. And you are right it does make you second guess yourself, and that leads me into a downward spiral.
I hope you work things out. And feel better.
posted by: Mommi2girls (reply)
post date: 08.22.05 (6:20 am)
hi, just wanted to say hello and I agree. I hope things are better. hope to talk to you soon.
mommi
posted by: Dstar (reply)
post date: 08.22.05 (4:48 pm)
Once again, I become extemely thankfull for what I have.
You hang in there. I know that things have sucked for a really long time, but you have to keep telling yourself (and believing) that you won't feel like this forever. You won't. I promise. Things will change. I wish I could do more than just write this and wish good things for you.
Just hang on to that belief that you won't feel like this forever. It's really, really hard, but it truly does work. It will go a long way in helping get you through.
And remember, when you are standing on top of that bridge and getting ready to jump, you can always do it TOMORROW!
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 08.22.05 (5:00 pm)
Reply to: kreativekat
I think I'm in the same place (without all the anger) that Trent Reznor writes his music in. Or maybe early Alanis - but she was 19 then. I'm beyond 19 misery.
Downward spiral into a deep abyss. I just wish I'd hurry up and hit rock bottom, ya know? Then at least I know things can't get any worse.
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 08.22.05 (5:00 pm)
Reply to: Mommi2girls
Thanks for the kind words.
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 08.22.05 (5:05 pm)
Reply to: Dstar
I wish that I could believe in promises. Innately, I am an optimistic person but I've been beaten down repeatedly on so many fronts that getting your hopes up one more time to get trampled on again just becomes to be too much.
And I'd never jump off a bridge. That's so cliche. (Ironically, I had a discussion with one of my medical doctors about how we'd each do ourselves off a few years ago - and we both agree - we'd go diving with a good nitrox mix to get us high, take a handfull of happy pills, overweight ourselves with lead, drop off down a steep wall and just have that one last final dive into paradise.)
So sadly, I wouldn't be able to bequeath my infamous purple fins to anyone because they'd be going with me.
Thanks for trying to inspire me. I'm beyond those sort of sentiments right now. And thank you for popping by.
posted by: chicalookate (reply)
post date: 08.23.05 (3:43 am)
This is one of those moments where the words fail me. I am sorry that the people you trusted to stand by you didn't. There is nothing that can be said to excuse their behavior. My mantra over the last few years has become "I can only control my actions. I have no control over what anyone else does." It has helped me a considerable amount. *hugs*
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 08.23.05 (9:57 am)
Reply to: chicalookate
Thanks for the kind words. I have been repeatedly reminded by someone that it's not me, it's 'them', but to have 2 people that I thought cared about me disappear almost simultaneously, it hits hard and I do take it personally.
Thanks for popping your head in. :)
posted by: SweetDiva (reply)
post date: 08.23.05 (4:41 pm)
(((hugs)))
Keep ur head up ma
Keep the faith, keep praying
God helps those who ask for it.
Ask Him, He will help you through this.
Sometimes we have to understand that we are not to understand everything that happens in our life, but we must TRUST in God and that He will deliever us.
I'm always here if you need to talk.
Just ignore the idiots that make childish assed comments.
posted by: NightBreed (reply)
post date: 08.24.05 (5:09 am)
dont ever doubt yourself !! dont do anything stupid as hurting yourself either!!
you have helped me and jacob more then you will ever know!! you have saved both our lives and for that i owe you so much.
im sorry im not closer so i can help or just to piss you off so you think about other things then mr. whitesands or nasty icky evil "t".
if i could id hunt him down and do a way with the slime ball but i cant..so all i can do is say im here for you even if it's an email once a week..hugs and love..april
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 08.24.05 (7:58 am)
Reply to: SweetDiva
Thanks for the kind words and hug Diva. I could certainly use some.
I'm not a believer in religion, but it's clearly something that offers you a lot of support.
As for 'childish' comments - that's the joy of the delete button. The fact that they don't even have the balls to post their real identities or have anything more substantial to say... I'm such a slut - lol - I haven't even kissed a guy in... geesh I can't even recall.
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 08.24.05 (8:01 am)
Reply to: NightBreed
Sweetie, I'm glad that I've been able to help you two. I wish that I could do more. You owe me nothing but to keep your nose to the grindstone and continue to develop better interpersonal and parenting skills. And I miss you oodles too.
Doing away with "T" would do no good. I'd still be in the place I am - the damage is done. Thank you for the offer though.
posted by: kurtmaddox (reply)
post date: 08.24.05 (8:37 am)
pure love is everywhere. i hope you find it asap! i consider you a good tblog friend and hope you feel the same way. i know that's different than being carbon based friends -- but -- i enjoy our interaction and i value you as a good person who wants what we all want -- love, acceptance, trust, caring and a good life.
sometimes we just have to be our own best friend even we that's the last thing we want to hear!
posted by: jennjr (reply)
post date: 08.24.05 (9:39 am)
I wish I could come up with something wonderful and prophetic to say that would change everything around for you.
What happened to you was so not your fault. The assault, or the fallout from your friends.
Sometimes the ugliest situations make people the most uncomfortable. They don't know what to say, so they avoid the situation as so to avoid looking stupid or saying something insensitive. Totally the wrong thing to do, I know. All you want is a word, and you don't care if it's the right one or not. But people do it. And it sucks. I've experienced it during low points of my own life.
I know it sounds cliched, but time DOES help heal wounds. Please don't lose faith in yourself!!
And if you need anything, please feel free to tmail me!
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 08.24.05 (2:00 pm)
Reply to: jennjr
I'm usually the one who comes up with the sage wisdom in times of trouble but it doesn't really resonate with me. (Thank you nonetheless.)
There are a few people that have stuck by me and I'm uber-grateful for them. Part of me is scared - what if I lose them too? I can't imagine it - but I couldn't imagine life w/o Bryon or my other friend either.
Time hasn't helped - ironically, it's made it worse. It tends to fester with me and spread. Sort of like gangrene. (Lovely thought. Hope you've had your dinner)
Faith and hope was lost long ago for me. I exist. It sucks. I got my energy and purpose from my inner circle of friends. I'm down 2 very significant people now. It's like a 1-2-3 punch.
There are times when I don't even know what I would say if Bryon did call. I just want some sort of explanation so that I don't continue to have this self-doubt and sense of abandonment. When I speculate - I awfulize things. I'd rather get the truth- I can deal with facts.
NOTHING, utterly NOTHING, would mean more to me, than to just get that explanation today. I'd give my left nut for it. (Oh wait, I don't have any nuts. Here, have a sunflower seed instead.)
posted by: jennjr (reply)
post date: 08.25.05 (4:07 am)
Reply to: ScubaDiva
I wish I could give you a hug...
I hope you get the answers that you're searching for.
And my offer's still good: if you want to vent, please feel free to tmail me.
posted by: verucassalty (reply)
post date: 08.25.05 (5:37 am)
im sorry your hurting hun, i hope you find your inner strength to come through this, i have faith.
thinking of you.
posted by: BUTCH (reply)
post date: 08.25.05 (10:58 am)
Reply to: NightBreed
Geez....a luvfest and, once again....I twadn't invited.....I am liable to think it was one of you two what left that bottle of Scope in my mailbox.....not a very nice thing to do with a borderline psychotic like me, however, I am liable to fergive you two ifn there is a daisy chain in my future.....well?
Butch
posted by: onebadjen (reply)
post date: 08.25.05 (5:06 pm)
ouch... fair-weather friends hurt
posted by: SweetDiva (reply)
post date: 08.26.05 (12:29 pm)
Reply to: ScubaDiva
Well hon u are still in my prayers.
God is always there, and He is waiting for you to come to Him. When you humble yourself and ask Him for His help He will provide.
You'll find that faith again one day, and God will be there right there.
(ok, me stop typing now)
again, I am always around if you need to talk tmail me and I'll give u other ways to contact me, that offer stands for whenever u need it I may not post here much lately but I check my tmail daily.
take care doll.
posted by: Brayton (reply)
post date: 08.26.05 (2:39 pm)
I feel for ya, like others have already said, words dont seem to cut it, hope you get to feeling better., and Im with you, i miss all my old friends immensley, every once in a while though, someone comes out of the wood work and thats always cool.
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 08.27.05 (3:42 am)
Reply to: onebadjen
Yes, it hurts...a lot.
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 08.27.05 (3:44 am)
Reply to: Brayton
Thanks for stopping by. At this point, I don't know how I would feel if they did suddenly re-appear. They turned their back on me - bigtime. If a 'friend' can't get over their pride or whatever to help someone that practical strangers would - what does that say?
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 08.27.05 (3:47 am)
Reply to: SweetDiva
Thanks for the prayers (and worrying about my soul LOL).
I was raised Southern Baptist and went to a private Methodist school and a Jesuit Catholic college - those experiences turned me into an atheist at an early age. So much for a religous upbringing eh? LOL
posted by: NurseNancy (reply)
post date: 08.27.05 (5:46 am)
hang in there! I know about stressors, (i.e moving!) and miss my friends and former collegues a lot!
posted by: almsthvn (reply)
post date: 08.27.05 (10:42 am)
The T experience will take awhile to work through - I may be slow but it took 10 years to finally work the shit outta my head after ending my abusive relationship.
I don't know what to say about Bryon. Obviously something changed for him or snapped in him or lord knows what - you'll have to close that yourself, he isn't going to help :(
A friend did something like that to me - dropped off the earth (and being in the Army, I feared the worst). 6 months later he resurfaced and still has not given a real explanation. I was devastated as he'd been my anchor for years. At least I learned that I was able to do ok without his skinny ass ;) Our friendship is definitely lighter now, I no longer "need" him. It was a VERY good thing even though it hurt like hell.
So, no real words of wisdom, just my own experience. It's survivable, that's the best I can come up with :)
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 08.27.05 (11:22 am)
Reply to: almsthvn
Thanks for sharing your experience. Losing two of the people I trusted most in the world almost simultaneously has been inexplicable. I would never ever ever turn my back on a friend - without an explanation at least. I have had to cut some friends loose in the past because they were detrimental to my own well-being, but I f'ing told them why. I hope that I never get to the point where I can do it and live with myself.
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 08.27.05 (11:22 am)
Reply to: NurseNancy
So how goes it? You officially a "Canuck" yet? How much snow do you have (heehee)
posted by: almsthvn (reply)
post date: 08.27.05 (1:59 pm)
Reply to: ScubaDiva
I think a lot of men are too chicken to say goodbye. It's easier for them to just vanish. Pussies.
posted by: April (reply)
post date: 08.29.05 (5:42 am)
I LUVVVVVVVVVVVVV YA MANNNNNN
posted by: NurseNancy (reply)
post date: 08.30.05 (8:22 pm)
Reply to: ScubaDiva
actually it is very hot and humid here. The other day it was over 90.
by Redonthehead