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| Fathers Day Rant |
| 06.19.05 (5:58 am) [edit] |
|
Father's Day isn't the happiest day of the year for me. In my effort to keep the door open to my sperm donor, I sought out a card to send to him. I couldn't find a single card that didn't talk about what a 'great dad' or how supportive the father had been. Hallmark needs to address dysfunctional family issues a lot more. I mean hell, they have cards to send to people from PETS. I'm sure there are a lot more people in fucked-up family relationships that don't want to send a kiss-ass card that is full of sappy bullpoop. I'm not going to pretend that I'm grateful for his dedication, devotion, etc because there was none. So, I send a hand-written note that simply said "Wishing you a happy Fathers Day" and signed my name. Didn't say "love". I did my part. He doesn't have my new number (unlisted). He does live 10 mins away. I have some anxiety that he's going to show up here. I don't answer the door if I'm not expecting anyone (to avoid local kids pimping their giftwrap, cookies, etc and local religous zealots) Or, I'll get a note in the mail from him in a few days. I remember the conversation I had with him last year - the first one since May 1998. He reminded me why I haven't had him in my life. I saw him through a different set of eyes that day. I was no longer that little girl wishing for a daddy, but an adult woman seeing his self-absorbed conditional ideal of parenting. A weight was lifted off my shoulders. I realized that he could never be that man that I had yearned for him to be. And, in reality, as a person, I would choose to have nothing to do with him. I shared with him some very basic information about my illness and he was more concerned about how his lack of a relationship with me was 'an embarrassment' to his family. Then it hit me - this is the same man who had nothing to do with either of his brothers or their families. It wasn't personal against me - his love, approval, support has always been conditional. And I would never play that game, so I 'ejected' myself from the arena. I have to say that the song "Daughters" by John Mayer hits home with me. I wonder if he's heard it and ever listened to the lyrics. I just don't need the stress or the drama right now. And he is nothing but stress and drama. I'm fortunate to have a number of male figures in my life that sort of step up in a father-like role for me. To them, I am unbelievably grateful. (But I ain't gonna call you Daddy and no, you can't spank me when I've been naughty!) I have so much that I need to do and no clue where to start. And I am so tired. I know this posting sounds sorta bitter and angry, but it's just a rant. |
posted by: trekguy (reply)
post date: 06.19.05 (10:46 am)
Well pal. I think you have thought this through correctly. You should not take his lack of involvement personally if the past is as you have told it.
Still I do know a good strong male father figure is needed in every girls life. So sorry you've missed it all these years.
posted by: NurseNancy (reply)
post date: 06.19.05 (11:23 am)
sorry that it's a day for sorrow and such for you. Sometimes it's our expectations about other people that get us into trouble in relationships. If everyone just could dispense with the expectations of one another it would be a big load off the shoulders, right? I used to have such great expectations about my boss, co workers, family members. Now I don't. I try to lead and guide those people in my life that need my leadership and guidance, but other than that, if things go the way that I like, bonus. If not, then I don't sweat it. You're doing great, considering the situation. You always sound so wise.
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 06.19.05 (11:49 am)
Reply to: trekguy
I have had others that have 'filled in' throughout my life - but until recently, there was still that void.
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 06.19.05 (11:52 am)
Reply to: NurseNancy
I think that when it comes to parents, we SHOULD be able to expect their support at our lowest times. Despite all my bitching about my mother, I know she would drop anything if I needed her. My father has proven countless times, that he would not.
It irritated him to no end that I graduated from college with honors with two degrees without his help. I succeeded in spite of him - I couldn't get financial aid b/c of his income.
So, I'm grateful that his failures made me tenacious and value things I've achieved a lot more.
posted by: SweetDiva (reply)
post date: 06.19.05 (4:53 pm)
Well ... I can't say I feel what you are going through but yet I can, through my son I can. His donor is right here....but you wouldn't know it. but thats a whole differen't story.
nothing but love for you ma (((hugs)))
posted by: AmyHCAlum (reply)
post date: 06.20.05 (6:21 am)
*hug*
posted by: verucassalty (reply)
post date: 06.20.05 (7:08 am)
good point about the hallmark issue.
sorry that you ended up with a sperm donor rather than a dad. its his loss, even if he doesnt realize it.
by Redonthehead