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| Rational and Predictable |
| 06.12.05 (3:33 pm) [edit] |
|
Here's a snippet from a late-night conversation with a friend of mine. We don't talk as often as I'd like. We've never been 'romantically involved' but he said a lot of insightful things I've heard before and I'm struggling with. "Love is not an equation with a predictable result. You are trying to decide who you will give yourself to. Love and love relationships don't give a shit about static rules and standards. What I am trying to point out is that it doesn't work that way not that you shouldn't be a thinking rational person. You have one of the most complex and evolved evaluation systems for dating that I have ever come across yet you fail to achieve your own goal. What you don't know/let yourself do is trust anyone - not romantically you don't. You just won't take the chance or do you decide that it's too risky and make the situation so that the fella dumps you? In all honesty, sometimes your not honest about your feelings. In some situations you seem to be very uncomfortable but say nothing..." I asked for an example of when I am uncomfortable and say nothing but he said he'd have to look back over some of my emails to recall. I typically don't 'clam up' when I'm uncomfortable - I might utilize diversionary or evasive tactics - usually not consciously... I openly ask those close to me to call me on it when I do it. I'd rather say "I don't feel like talking about it right now or can we talk about it later?" I don't know what I can do to 'work on this' when I'm not involved with someone romantically. Sure, I would love to fall in love and all of that, but I just don't think I'm ready. But are we ever truly ready? It seems when we think we are, life decides to alter things and teach us yet another lesson. My relationship history sucks for a variety of reasons - be it timing, choices in men, extraneous factors or me, me, me. I want to challenge my trust issues, I want to learn to love without fear, to give myself without hesitation. I know I will never be able to have a truly loving relationship until I slay those dragons. PS-Thanks again to the friend who spoke so candidly. Gave me food for thought. |
posted by: surrogate (reply)
post date: 06.13.05 (4:39 am)
Scubs, when you figure this one out, let me in on the agreed-upon solution... and tell me know BEFORE you publish, (so I can cash in on the knowlege)... cuz, hun...you'd be the first person in history to get it worked out. Title the theses "The Solution to Love - theory and practice."
If the title sounds familiar, it's because it's been done to death over the millenia, but so far, every single writer to have made the claim has been found to be either a fraud - or dead at the foot of a dragon.
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 06.13.05 (4:59 am)
Reply to: surrogate
I understand that it's a theory that a lot of people struggle with - but I seem to take it to new heights. I'm the one that freaks out when I start to feel vulnerable and start to realize I'm feeling something for someone. I'm the one whose 'relationships' (and I use that term tongue-in-cheek) usually last about 3 weeks...
posted by: mahabarath (reply)
post date: 06.13.05 (5:45 am)
i know the answer you seek, and i can show you.
posted by: surrogate (reply)
post date: 06.13.05 (5:47 am)
Reply to: ScubaDiva
...Hell, I think my problem is I believe in "it" with all my heart... which is probably just plain dumb. Maybe the whole conceept of love is just a trick of nature... although I think that take has been written about just as often, and with no more acceptence.. We do keep at it, don't we?
posted by: surrogate (reply)
post date: 06.13.05 (5:48 am)
...That third week sucks huh?
posted by: AmyHCAlum (reply)
post date: 06.13.05 (6:30 am)
It's hard to trust...both yourself and others...when it comes to love. I wish I could say something to help you "work on this" issue, but unfortunately everyone's journey on this particular road is different. *sigh*
posted by: nullfactor (reply)
post date: 06.13.05 (8:08 am)
It would be awesome if "love" was this unchanging thing. Too bad, that's not the case. When anybody figures this thing out, I bet they could become a millionaire (afterall, look how well these authors who claim to have it figured out are doing...). Truth is, love is what you make it... whether it's a fairy tale life with all of the "happily ever after" stuff, or if you make it a booby-trapped, rigged thing that always fail, because that's how the person designed the relationship. A successful relationship requires a lot of things, but the most important are: 1) communication and 2) flexibility.
My two cents... ;)
posted by: budget (reply)
post date: 06.13.05 (5:43 pm)
It sounds like what you need is right under you nose. You say you've never been romantically involved with this guy, but why not? He sounds smart and sounds like a good friend. So next time you see him, give him a big wet one.
posted by: basild (reply)
post date: 06.13.05 (7:03 pm)
People have wrestled with these ideas since the beginning. It's easier for some people to give themselves away than it is for others. Some people recover from hurt easily, some never do. Great post.
posted by: kurtmaddox (reply)
post date: 06.14.05 (10:25 am)
When simply become *love*, the problem disappears making a solution unneccessary ;-)
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 06.14.05 (10:53 am)
Reply to: kurtmaddox
And you believe in "Happily Ever After" too?
There's this thing called reality Kurt. If love could solve everything, our divorce rate wouldn't be 52%.
posted by: kurtmaddox (reply)
post date: 06.14.05 (11:59 am)
Reply to: ScubaDiva
I'm divorced. I don't consider divorce to be a "failure" and more than I consider those who remain married to be a "success". My point was more esoteric in nature and not directly "at" anyone :-)
It is my opinion, however, that the less we (I'm single and not in a committed relationship as well, as you know) focus on the "problem" of not being in a fulfilling romantic relationship, then that dynamic creates an environment whereby finding the love we seek is even more difficult. I really like Eckhart Tolle's chapter on relationships in his book, The Power of Now. He suggest approaching life in such a way that we are "being love" in the world without regard for how and when and from whom that love returns to us. The paradox that Tolle is suggesting is that what we proactively seek has a way of becoming hard to find while what we simply allow to occur naturally often manifests what we are truly seeking for our lives. If I remain single, I will be happy. If I am in a romantic relationship, I will be happy. To develop non-attachment to either outcome is simply an alternative I'm throwing out there into the mix of ways to think about finding love in our lives.
So, yes, I'm aware of this thing called reality, whatever that is, both in the context of relationships and otherwise. Further, love is just love -- I don't believe it "solves" anything. Oh, and yes, I believe in "happily ever after" in the same way that I believe in Disney World -- I haven't been there since I was a child but I here it's still a wonderful place! (big smile)
Having said all this, I love it when you use sarcasm on me!
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 06.15.05 (2:23 am)
Reply to: nullfactor
I feel I am very good at communicating and I'm quite flexible. Shall I do a back bend in a low-cut shirt to demonstrate?
So if that's all it takes...why am I chronically single?
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 06.15.05 (2:24 am)
Reply to: AmyHCAlum
This is one of those situations when the rough patches are the places where I seem to grow the most. It's something I remind myself of.
posted by: nullfactor (reply)
post date: 06.15.05 (2:30 am)
Reply to: ScubaDiva
Demonstrate only if you have a camera near by... lol
I forgot the third - possibly the most important - thing a good relationship takes... a good man! You're a great gal (from what I can see from your blog). Now you just need a man to compliment you (and I don't mean verbal compliments, either). It seems you are drawn to the losers. Some people just have that curse... and I hope you are able to break that curse, soon! :)
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 06.15.05 (3:17 am)
Reply to: nullfactor
Actually, I have someone acting as my 'dating consultant' now. He knows me really well and insists on meeting any guy that gets past a 2nd date.
posted by: nullfactor (reply)
post date: 06.15.05 (4:46 am)
Reply to: ScubaDiva
LOL!!! That's awesome!!! I hope the date consultant works at reasonable rates? :)
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 06.15.05 (5:43 am)
Reply to: nullfactor
His rates are extremely reasonable. He's taking it so far that he wants to meet them after a few dates. Makes me feel like I should call him my dad or something. LOL
by Redonthehead