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| Just call me idiot. |
| 06.02.04 (9:39 pm) [edit] |
|
I'm really upset at the moment. I was going to do a double or triple feature at the drive-in that started at 9pm. Haven't been there in a year, but have been there over 20 times. It's about 20 mins away - not in the 'safest' part of town. It's a great location for crack, ho's and it's conveniently located next to the Federal Pen... Anyway, I leave my house around 8:20 to make sure I have enough time to get there. I got confused and got VERY lost - I ended up driving around in this VERY bad area for over 90 minutes trying to find my way back to civilization... This keeps happening to me - my mind/memory is really screwed up due to the tumor. I've been trying to minimize it, but have also stayed close to home for the past 5 months. Other than heading to the grocery store and library, I don't leave the house anymore. My hair is falling out more and more. I'm totally fatigued when I wake up. The drs are so casual about these things - and I'm so fed up with all this medical crap. It's June and I've had over 30 dr. appts so far this year. That's over 6 a month. That's 1.5 a week. I'm frustrated. I'm scared and I'm getting worn down trying to keep my chin up and keep fighting. My mother continues to 'enable' things (for lack of a better description). If it was up to her, she'd insist on wiping my ass to keep me from exhausting myself. She means well, but I refuse to give in and admit how I'm 'wilting'... I've cancelled five social events in the past month because I'm not up to it - either do the fatigue or how I feel I look or that I'm not up to getting myself there. I'm pushing everyone away because I can't recall things. I can't remember if I have shared things with them or what's going on in their lives. It's embarrassing and I feel like a f'ing idiot freak. Going to find my sleeping pills and knock myself out for the night. Maybe I'll wake up and this will have been a bad dream |
posted by: Discredit (reply)
post date: 06.02.04 (6:44 pm)
I was just gonna leave the comment "idiot" ... but decided against it ... it just wasn't to original and i figured someone beat me to it .. guess not
Idiot :P [i had to]
anyways ... i can't think of much to comment on (cuz i don't really have a clue on what you're going through .. sorry) .. but what movies are playing at the drive in? old time classics? (like them great horror movie classics?)
posted by: Beckster (reply)
post date: 06.02.04 (6:48 pm)
here's a hug Scuba <--------> :)
posted by: misskendy (reply)
post date: 06.02.04 (7:12 pm)
aaw sweety **HUGS** It sucks to get brain fog. I remember when they changed one of my meds one time...I couldn't even do simple math anymore. It was really scarey. I can sympathize about the docs being so casual about everything. They were like oh okay we'll just change this back then... grrr.
posted by: dumblondegirl (reply)
post date: 06.03.04 (2:54 am)
Oh hun... I know you don't want pity, so I'm not going to say how sorry I am. Instead I'm going to applaud you for fighting back. Don't you give up, no matter how hard it gets. Let your mom wipe your ass every now and then. Force yourself go out despite your wiltation (yes, I made up a word). Life is too short and you're too strong and sassy to let something like that hold you back. ~HUGS~
(PS-- make a note to get a local street map and keep it in the car. No shame in that!)
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 06.03.04 (4:14 am)
Reply to: dumblondegirl
I had a map with me - but this was not marked areas on the map and there aren't very many street signs in the area. (I guess they take them to sell for scrap metal to make money to buy more crack..)
Thanks. I'm having a rough day. Think I'm going to go hide in bed.
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 06.03.04 (4:21 am)
Reply to: Beckster
Thanks. It's not going to be a good day.
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 06.03.04 (4:22 am)
Reply to: KRAZEDONE
No correlation between the meds - already checked that. Thanks for suggesting it.
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 06.03.04 (4:22 am)
Reply to: misskendy
Thanks. I'm just tired of fighting.
posted by: Cyberpal (reply)
post date: 06.03.04 (5:34 am)
Hey Scubs, you just hang in there... It's gotta be tough I know, but from the little I know, you've got the spunk, fight to beat this and I'm taking nothing less!
Hope you're feeling better today hun? :)
posted by: LastPoeticKiss (reply)
post date: 06.03.04 (6:26 am)
wow...i mean, i have no idea what you are going through, cancers rough though (studied up on it), but just remember...everything DOES happen for a reason. later on is when youll see why it did...*hugs*
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 06.03.04 (6:54 am)
Reply to: LastPoeticKiss
They don't believe it's malignant. Hell, I can't get anyone to even agree on anything. They are all passing the buck and blowing me off.
I'm a fighter but this situation has pretty much sucked the last ounce of fight out of me.
posted by: Daisymae (reply)
post date: 06.03.04 (11:33 am)
I feel so bad for you. Wish I could say some magical word and make it all go away! Just know that we love you and are wishing the best for you!!
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 06.03.04 (1:32 pm)
Reply to: Daisymae
Thanks. I wish it would work. I'm not sure what I'm going to do now.
posted by: SheSpecies (reply)
post date: 06.03.04 (4:51 pm)
::hugs and squeezes:: Some days are worse than others, Scuba. They won't all be like today.
Doctors and their run-arounds are just no good at all. I can only imagine how aggravated you must feel. You gotta hang in there though, Girl!!
And you are definitely not an idiot!
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 06.03.04 (5:30 pm)
Reply to: SheSpecies
Thanks but they just keep getting worse and worse. There comes a point when you can no longer believe your own optimistic b.s., ya know?
posted by: Brayton (reply)
post date: 06.03.04 (6:20 pm)
Okay, this doesnt sound relevent, but bear with me.
Im a recovering Alky, and somedays I could just give up and get drunk, it would seem so much easier, just give up, whats the point in fighting it anymore?
With that in mind, there tend to be alot of days where the best I seem to accomplish is to just not get drunk. Seems easy, seems like a cop out. But ya know what? If I just keep doing that, "fake it till ya make it" or "Do the next right thing" type of thang, pretty soon, Ive put a string of those days together, and before long, things are looking up, I have all this sobriety time to be proud of, and best of all, I realise that as bad as things can be, they can always get worse, and as good as things can get, I can always make it a little better, if only through my outlook.
I read your blog because you appear to be a very strong, intellegent person. With a wicked sense of humor, wielded like a whip in the hands of a pro. Hang in there. fake it till you make it. You have alot of friends, use 'em. Im done. (4 years, btw)
posted by: SheSpecies (reply)
post date: 06.03.04 (6:20 pm)
Reply to: ScubaDiva
I think I understand what you're saying. :-( I'm sorry it feels that way, though.
I'm going to send you a tMAIL. I want to ask you a question.
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 06.04.04 (4:22 am)
Reply to: Brayton
Thanks for sharing your story. I've been a fighter - and I've been fighting for a long time. But when your doctors either give up on you or don't seem to want to be troubled. I've been faking it for a long time - and I can't keep doing it. I don't have the energy. When things keep getting worse and worse and you are afraid to cook anything because you might forget again and burn down the house or you forget conversations, or you get up to do something and forget -75% of the time - it gets hard to fake it anymore. And, I really don't have any friends left around here - they have tired of me because I'm not as much fun. I don't have the energy to do anything. I haven't done anything with friends in... months. I can count them - 2x in January I went on dates, and before that, nothing since November. It's not a matter of poor me - it's just my reality.
I appreciate you sharing your story - I had a number of friends go thru recovery when I was younger and used to go to meetings with them. It's an incredible achievement and I congratulate you on your continued success.
posted by: kratesis (reply)
post date: 06.04.04 (5:35 pm)
Hey Diva, I'm the same way, I don't want pity, but I just want some undersanding from F'ing docs. Keep your chin up and do your own research. I almost died, and the only reason I'm here today is because my mom looked into things herself. 8 docs just said I was depressed, when in fact I was dying from candida. if something doesn't feel right, DON"T let the doc talk you out of it without a good explanation. If you ever wanna email me, please do!!!! HUGS
by Redonthehead