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| Updated: A Tribute |
| 05.18.04 (4:33 pm) [edit] |
|
I am so devastated right now. I got a letter in the mail today - no return address, and addressed to "L.A" (my nickname) with no last name. It was handwritten and hard to decipher, but a woman that lives in Houston that has been like a surrogate mom to me killed herself. Her neighbor wrote me the note - said they don't know the cause of death, but she left a suicide note. It's horrible to say, but I knew it was coming one day. I hadn't talked to her in a while because her phones were frequently disconnected. She was undiagnosed bipolar. And with her frequent manic episodes, she would shop until there was no end (often stuff for me). You couldn't walk through her house because of all the "stuff". When she was depressed, she would go off - let her power, phones get cut off, not tell anyone where she was, etc. She was my best friend freshman year in college's mom. She taught me how to cook and encouraged me to live out my dreams. She threw me a 21st birthday party. When I was feeling overwhelmed, I would fly out and stay with them. She was always more of the mom role than my own mother has been... Her husband, a prominent atty, divorced her and married his secretary, whom he knocked up. He tried to commit her, but she didn't stay. I never got all the details. Her sons turned their back on her several years ago - didn't invite her to their weddings or send announcements of their children's births. Since then, she has been so alone. People loved her, but they were such a superficial presence in her life. Very few people really "connected" with her. (I understand, because I feel the same way most of the time.) I saw her last March - she was totally in a manic phase and being around her wore me out, but I was there to help her deal with some business matters. She wanted to give me her family silver, and a bunch of other stuff, but I just didn't want to accept anything while she was manic. I left her a long letter after my visit saying how concerned I was about her, how much I loved her and it was something I thought she needed to investigate. Her reply on the phone was "I got your letter, I appreciate your concern, but that's not it." I tried calling her many times but her numbers were always disconnected. I did hear from her in October - I can't remember what we talked about in particular. I sent her an Xmas card without a response... The ironic thing is that I sent her a letter yesterday. I had thought of sending her one in the past month or so - and I wonder if I had sent her one, if it might have made a difference. So now, I'm trying to get a flight out to Houston and find out if I can be of help at all. I haven't spoken to her sons in years - more than 10. I just feel like I've been kicked in the solar plexis. To Beth, one of my dearest friends, a teacher, an inspiration and so much more, you touched my life in so many ways. You will be missed more than I could ever express. Update: I talked to the neighbor who found Beth and wrote me the note. I got the details of the service, etc. Apparently she overdosed on pills. What no one can believe is that she did it with her dog there - that she adored. They are guessing he was there 4-5 days before they discovered her. I spoke to my mother and she was her classic self. Her reply to me going to the memorial service was "Why would you do that? She's not there." I told her that I wanted to pay my respects, honor her, and have closure. Sum it up to say, my mother is rather envious of the bond I had with Beth. I keep looking at the calendar, trying to recall that day - did I do anything in particular? Why didn't she reach out to me? I still think it's so odd that I wrote her a letter just yesterday... It's sad. I don't have anyone truly close to me that I feel comfortable sharing it with. I have lots of 'good time friends' but they are never around when I need them. Perhaps it's also that I rarely reach out to them either. My best bud is over a thousand miles away. No one here to sit and be morose with. I could be just like Beth one day - (not saying I'd kill myself) but if I had a medical problem - it would probably be a week or more before someone would think something was odd. I guess I'm rather isolated as well. I'm irritated b/c my cable modem is slower than molasses right now (on top of Tblog!). I can't access the travel websites. It's a conspiracy. It's amazing what death will do to someone's appetite... |
posted by: jazzydawn (reply)
post date: 05.18.04 (1:39 pm)
There is never a way to deal with suicide. It is something that takes everyone down -- even those who weren't really involved with the person. One of my best friends had a daughter -- 15 year old -- who committed suicide 10 years ago. No one has finished grieving. And my daughter's best friend's father committed suicide. That little girl hasn't been the same since. It's horrible. My heart and thoughts are with you -- even though we don't know each other. Remember the good things. Remember that she has peace. Remember that you loved her and gave her some good moments. Remember that we all live and die.
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 05.18.04 (1:47 pm)
Reply to: jazzydawn
Thanks. It sucks. It totally sucks.
posted by: misskendy (reply)
post date: 05.18.04 (1:48 pm)
My thoughts are with you.
posted by: sunnyc (reply)
post date: 05.18.04 (1:49 pm)
I am so, so sorry to hear that...=( It's hard to lose people you care about, like trying to hold onto sand.
posted by: qutepie2 (reply)
post date: 05.18.04 (1:56 pm)
I'm sorry. Suicide is hard. My prayers are with you.
posted by: dumblondegirl (reply)
post date: 05.18.04 (2:40 pm)
Oh wow. I don't know what to say. Please don't put any blame on yourself. Each person chooses their own path in life. If anything, it sounds like you did more than anyone else ever did.
posted by: Daisymae (reply)
post date: 05.18.04 (2:52 pm)
I'm so sorry to hear this. Hope you make it to Houston!
posted by: Mscocoa (reply)
post date: 05.18.04 (2:59 pm)
I noticed you said that "she would shop until there was no end" Is this a sign of depression? ScubaDiva, I'm so sorry to hear abou this. My thouhgts and prayers are with you.
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 05.18.04 (3:01 pm)
Thanks - waiting to hear back on the arrangement details so I know what airport to fly into.
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 05.18.04 (3:03 pm)
Reply to: misskendy
Thanks.
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 05.18.04 (3:03 pm)
Reply to: sunnyc
Thank you for the kind words.
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 05.18.04 (3:04 pm)
Reply to: qutepie2
Thanks for the kind words...
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 05.18.04 (3:07 pm)
Reply to: Mscocoa
Her shopping was an addiction. She had a new home that was 2400 sq ft and you literally couldn't find anywhere to sit down or walk thru the hallways. The 3 extra bedrooms were piled high with "crap". She had one bedroom done just for me... It was a way to buy love from people, to fill a void. After the divorce, she was running herself into financial ruin by all the shopping. It is more evident in the Manic phase of depression as well as those with OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) which usually goes along with some level of depression...
Thanks for the kind words.
posted by: SheSpecies (reply)
post date: 05.18.04 (4:06 pm)
:-( Sorry for your loss, Scuba. I'm sure she knew in her heart that you cared for her.
I hope you don't play whatif's too much with yourself. That can be so defeating. Please be careful travelling to Texas.
posted by: SASHASMOMMA (reply)
post date: 05.18.04 (4:28 pm)
This breaks my heart. Please know that you have support here if ever needed. My prayers are with you. (April)
posted by: Greybeard (reply)
post date: 05.18.04 (6:25 pm)
So sorry to read about your loss.
posted by: lynne (reply)
post date: 05.18.04 (6:28 pm)
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Suicide is a hard thing to deal with but you need to know that there was probably nothing you could have done to stop her. From your tribute to her here, I know that. If you could have done something, you would have. And if you didnt know, there was nothing you could do. Also, suicide is a common form of death for people with a mental illness. I always try to think of it as a symptom of the illness or that it was the illness that killed them. (I have *huge* anger issues when someone I know kills themselves). Anyhow, hang in there. I am sure this woman knew she was loved by you and I am sure that helped her while she was living. Hang in there.
posted by: winddancer (reply)
post date: 05.18.04 (6:51 pm)
Im soo sorry! My grandpa did the sam thing....only he shot himself! Please go and pay your respects and pay no attention to your mum or what she says if it hurts....do what you think is best
godspeed
windd
posted by: rosietulips (reply)
post date: 05.18.04 (9:56 pm)
I'm sorry to hear of your loss :(
by Redonthehead