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| Tossing this around - and it's H-E-A-V-Y |
| 04.18.04 (10:58 pm) [edit] |
|
This isn't my traditional amusing rantings - so if that's what you want to read, skip to my next posting folks... I'm irritated, hurt, disappointed and frustrated. I haven't spoken to my father for 6 years next month. And he lives 10 minutes away from me. I'm his only child. He's remarried with 4 step-sons but it seems that the "boys" work more with his life than I do. Five years ago, I was diagnosed with Systemic Lupus and a bunch of other autoimmune disorders. So, if you do the math, my father doesn't know about it. I've been coping pretty well - I'm an independent person, I've got a lot of spunk/fight in me, and I've become very educated/proactive about my conditions. Lately, it's been more difficult to manage it. It has been taking literally all of my energy to complete the most basic tasks. Over the years when I have a "flare up" (meaning the diease goes into overdrive), friends tell me that I "look ok" and don't seem to understand that I can't always keep up that happy-go-lucky attitude that I usually have. So I pull back - take myself out of circulation from my social life except a few people that seem to be more tolerant. It sucks when your life revolves around doctors appts, lab work, and resting. I've learned that when people ask how I am, I lie for the most part - say I'm fine. They don't really want to hear about it. For the past 6 months, I've been feeling excessively worn down and my mind has been totally screwed up. I'm known for my quick wit and sharp memory. I'm forgetting how to get to the drug store, that I had something cooking on the stove, conversations I've had, etc. The doctors basically told me that it's part of my lupus and we needed to start focusing on quality of life issues - like permanent disability sort of things. That was like a kick to the solar plexus. It's like giving in to the disease. It wins. So I'm contacted to participate in a genetic research study on lupus. They need me to fill out a questionnaire and get samples of blood from myself, any siblings (none), and my parents. I asked my mom about it - and she said of course she's participate. They mailed me postcards to send to each of my parents about the study, asking if they would participate. My father, whom I've had no contact with in six years, got his over a week ago. And he hasn't bothered to contact myself or my mother to ask if I'm ok or any further information. Part of me was expecting this - he turned his back on me once before when I begged for his support. (I had been raped and subsequently stalked by a psychopath - I kept it a secret and tried to deal with it for a year, but I finally lost it. I went to a hospital for help and he was aware of it - I called him to come to a counseling session so I could "share some information about what's been going on with me lately". I left it on his answering machine with carefully selected words - so he could replay and understand that it wasn't some session blaming him for things. His response was that "he wasn't going to to a counseling session to be attacked". He didn't even hear what I said.) So I feel rejected again by him. But, had he called or come over - what would I have done? Would I be able to forget and forgive? Am I in a position to be able to deal with him? His love has always been so "conditional" where I was concerned. He had a violent temper at times but the words hurt a lot more. He did mellow some with age. Despite having great grades, more leadership positions in school, never got into trouble - I was never good enough compared to his step-sons. (I guess it was the whole penis thing? I don't have one!) I could certainly use some "dad" sort of help around here - but I would never reach out again to be rejected yet another time. There's a part of me that wishes he'd find out what impact his "abandonment" had on me. There is no history of any sort of autoimmune disorders in either side of my family. I believe that the stress I endured from the stalking and not having the support of my father and his refusing me led to the development of my lupus. Studies show stress can aggravate and cause it to "flourish". My cousin, his nephew, told me that my father said to him that he has "a new family now." I'm guessing I don't fit into the equation. I know I probably rarely enter his mind. And that hurts - because I have hardly any family. I have my mother and my uncle - and he's not really a person you can get close to. That's it. I feel like I need all the family I can get - but do I even want to risk dealing with him and all the turmoil our relationship has evoked? Perfect example: It's his way or no way. I was to go to Georgia Tech and major in business or he wasn't funding my education. I said "Fine, I'll do it myself." It pissed him off to no end that I did it myself. I was working full time with an internship AND a full class load and I still carried a 3.4 average. I didn't go to graduation because I had to work. And because he didn't see me walk around in a cap and gown, he said he didn't think I graduated. It took months for them to mail me my diploma - and at that point, I didn't care. Another one: I had a goal of buying my own house before my 29th birthday. His response: You're single, why do you need a house? You need a husband first. Why can't you be normal and do things normally? That's when I pretty much lost it - because it was taking every fiber of my being to get through every day and act like everything was ok despite that sicko threatening me constantly... I admit - I'm envious of my step-brothers - and we are all in our 30's and 40's. They have so much interaction with him. He's helped them get jobs, spoils the subsequent grandchildren. It sounds so juvenile, but why couldn't he see me for the individual that I am? I've accomplished a lot - in spite of him. Just because I chose to follow my own direction instead of his mandate of going to the selected college/major, marrying first, buying a house as a couple, having children. I'm not a fool. My dating history completely correlates to him. I've tried the therapy route to resolve those issues -but that didn't work. Commitment terrifies me. If a guy is interested in me, I move on to the next. I keep things incredibly superficial when it comes to dating. I refer to it as my dating rotation theory. (I'll have to explain that one later). My head keeps saying "You're 32 years old, get over it. You cannot change the past and how he treated you. You CAN move on and not let this drag you down." It sounds great in theory, but it just doesn't connect with my heart. I've just found out I have a tumor and the next year following surgery will be particularly rough - but I should be ok afterwards. Do I tell him? Or do I have someone else inform him? Or do I not mention it? And if I do interact with him - do I tell him about the past? Does it matter? Do I have a right to hurt him by being brutally honest? What can he bring to my life - closure? support? turmoil? pain? Ok - know this was long and no one will dare read thru all this, but I got it off my chest (for like the millionth time). I'll post something happy next... |
posted by: chicalookate (reply)
post date: 04.19.04 (7:00 am)
Wow. That is a lot to deal with. I had a similar experience with friends when I was going through a period of horrible depression... they just weren't willing to stick with me. Others didn't understand why I needed medicine. Just because you "look fine" doesn't mean you are. So much goes on under the surface. As for your father.... I would say not to contact him. You need to save your strength for what is coming up. If he hasn't been receptive up to this point chances are he isn't going to change. Good luck.
posted by: forevermystical (reply)
post date: 04.19.04 (7:36 am)
A close friend of mine also has Lupus. It's very hard,and shes also at the point that its affecting her memory,etc..
I think you should go to his home,and tell him. While you may not get what you want(for him to hear you out on how you feel) it's important to get his blood sample for the study. Best of luck!
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 04.19.04 (7:39 am)
Lupus sucks. Tell her to call to participate in the study - may help find a cure or a cause...
www.lupusstudy.org
posted by: qutepie2 (reply)
post date: 04.30.04 (7:10 pm)
Since he only lives 10 min. away I say go over there and talk to him. Tell him your sick.
People tend to hear what they want to hear. So that day you left that msg for him about what happened to you (which I am tearing up about- I am sooo sorry) and you just wanted him to sit with you in counseling, he picked the words he wanted to hear. Maybe part of him really hates himself for the way things are between you two. Maybe he is dying inside about the rape and stalking. Maybe he can't face you because he is ashamed. The only way to know how he trully feels is to go and talk to him face to face. It will be hard, but it must be done. Your his daughter. You deserve it.
If that doesn't work because he is colder then I could ever imagine then my dad's shoulder is always available for a good cry or two.
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 04.30.04 (9:12 pm)
Reply to: qutepie2
He doesn't know a thing about the rape and stalking. He told other family members that "he has a new family now." He's turned his back on his parents and siblings as well - so it's not as personal for me anymore - as kooky as that sounds.
As an update - he called me on Tuesday afternoon - I let it go to vm. He called my mother - she told him a little more than I would of liked about the situation. Apparently he expressed doubts that I have any of these health problems. (LMAO - I have copies of my medical charts that are 6 inches thick!) His excuse for the 2 1/2 week delay in responding to the card was that he didn't realize it was from me. (Um, the card had my return address and was in my handwriting and said a parent, sibling or child with lupus has requested your participation blah blah blah. All of his siblings and his parents are dead. I'm his only child. It doesn't take rocket science.)
Regardless, I returned his call that afternoon - got his voicemail and left a message - he has not returned the call. I think that says enough.
He's not going to change and this situation brings closure for me. I need people in my life that are supportive of me. That, he is not toward me. I don't need further rejection from him or the stress of the relationship. I don't even want to "enlighten" him to the rest of the story - he doesn't deserve to learn more vulnerable aspects of my life - as he always used them against me. He's never been a financial support to me - despite being VERY wealthy. He's never been an emotional support despite him knowing what a "challenge" my mother is. So I can't realistically go into the situation thinking "this time" things will be different. I've had too many emotional let-downs in the past year - I don't need another blow.
As a tv therapist often says - the best indicator for future behavior is past behavior.
But thank you for your kind thoughts. Perhaps you can appreciate your father a little more - but it sounds like you already do. :)
posted by: qutepie2 (reply)
post date: 04.30.04 (9:35 pm)
Reply to: ScubaDiva
If you are an okay place about it then I am, too. You have tons of people who support you!! ;-) You don't need negative "energy" pulling you down right now. Us bloggers got your back.
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 04.30.04 (9:44 pm)
Reply to: qutepie2
If only some of you bloggers could work a weed whacker, I'd be set! LMAO
posted by: Answermeister (reply)
post date: 05.02.04 (9:55 pm)
I've unfortunately had the displeasure of knowing some people who are similar to your father.
The man needs therapy because it's quite obvious that he is delusional if he thinks it's ok to just wipe people off of the slate to "start a new family". If he cannot see that you are an amazing person for all that you have accomplished in our lazy-ass society, he is daft.
Please don't take any of his disgusting behavior as a reflection of you as a person. Be glad that being exposed to him didn't make you a warped and disgusting individual as well.
Life is too short to go trying to turn around people as hopeless as him.
Best of luck in fighting down the disease and healing from your trauma. I am also a rape survivor and I am very aware that it takes a very long time to get over that.
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 05.02.04 (10:02 pm)
Reply to: Answermeister
Thanks for the kind words. The whole rape thing makes so many people feel uncomfortable. I don't go throwing it into every convo I have - but I've found that guys I've dated don't want to hear about it - yet I think it explains a lot about why I am the way I am. It's a confusing place to be, but I am over the hurdle. After hiding for 5 years, I realized he was still winning if I didn't get out and start living life again. So I've been out in "circulation" for the past 2 years...
Realizing that his "abandonment" of me wasn't personal - that he had done it to the rest of his family made a big difference for me. Tried therapy with him several times but he always felt it was a personal attack on him - even when it wasn't. (Can you say "EGO"?)
I'm lucky to have a couple of people that have come into my life to fill in the void from him. I have my up days and my down days - but I'm ok with things this hour. LOL
Thanks for reading my blog and I always look forward to your updates. (I voted for you for featured blog)
by Redonthehead