Okay, so the Turkish Photographer had texted back and forth about getting together for breakfast Saturday morning before the drug-dialing I had done Wednesday night. Hadn't heard a response from an email and phone call apology on Thursday.

Texted him once more apologizing yesterday.
And he replied.
Asking if I still wanted to meet Saturday.
I said yes.
He wanted to meet at a park nearby.
I replied that I was raining 3+ inches Friday and another 3+ inches Saturday, that it wasn't a great  park day.
I suggested a local coffee-esque place.
He feigned he didn't have money for breakfast.
I said he didn't have to eat, that I was going to just have coffee.
More money woes on his end.
I told him that I was happy to buy him a cup of coffee or he could just stare at me drinking mine.

(I knew something was up. We're talking $1.50 cup of coffee?)
He suggested we just have breakfast at my place.
I am NOT cooking for his ass.
And that was a lot more involved than a cup of coffee.

Then the REAL story came out.
He says, in passing, about how horny he is.
Ding Ding Ding.

I told him that if he was looking to get laid, that he shouldn't bother with breakfast.
Then he said that wasn't what he meant.
I told him that I would meet him for coffee, but there wasn't anything else going to happen - that I had other things to do that day.

He assured me that it was cool.
I texted him an hour before we were supposed to meet, confirming the location.
5 mins before we're supposed to meet, he replies one word...
NO

I knew that he was trying to manipulate me to hook up at my house. When I told him there was NO chance of it. He bailed. I didn't even respond. Not going to.

So Lady G, he's all yours.

I had a crappy day yesterday. Clients being major pains in the asses. Mortified at the fall-out from the Ambien-dialing. (And no, I haven't heard a peep from the Turk.)

I went home around 3pm, got in jammies, took several muscle relaxants and crawled into bed.
At 5pm, BP/Hot Stud called. Confirming we were on for dinner last night.
I hadn't heard anything else back from him, so assumed it wasn't going to happen.
I told him I wasn't really feeling like going out.
So he asked if he could come over to talk.

So we talked. Things are good. I didn't go into everything, but (as I know) he tends to keep stuff inside and deal with it on his own. I know it's uncomfortable for him to talk about something so 'personal', but he really made an effort. I have felt that me always relying on him led to an unbalance in our friendship - which led me to feel obligated. I don't feel that way anymore.

He saw how exhausted I was and we got into bed (dressed) and he told me to snuggle up on his chest. It was nice. He stroked my hair and massaged my neck to try to get me to sleep. And he fell asleep.

After about an hour, hugs and he left to do some work. 

I haven't slept more than 3 hours a night in more than a month. I'm exhausted. Last night I broke down and took Ambien.

If you've seen the Ambien commercials, you've seen warnings about sleep eating and driving.

Add to the list... Ambien-dialing.
It's kinda like drunk dialing, except you have utterly NO recollection of it in the morning.

I called the Turkish Photog. Repeatedly. (Based on caller id) Can't tell from my phone how long the calls were. No memory of it.

Then it gets worse.

I called a guy friend that I've known since I was in college radio. He is moving back to Atlanta THIS weekend. Apparently I left him a rather racy voicemail. Then I guess I redialed instead of hitting the end call button and he saw me calling back and thought it was important. And apparently we had a risque conversation.

Me. No memory. I see on caller id I called.

This morning, he calls me. I ask how the packing is going. Something is VERY different in his voice. I told him I'm sorry that I called him - I didn't mean to. He said he was "REALLY" glad I did. And I could do it whenever I wanted and he REALLY wanted to see me this weekend because we discussed some "REALLY" hot stuff.

My jaw dropping.

I told him it was unintentional. I'm sorry. Forget it happened.

He said he couldn't. That he's listened to the voicemail... repeatedly. And he couldn't wait to see me.
And he's sent more texts affirming that.

I'm mortified. Beyond tears. When I took the Ambien, I turned my ringer off and put the phone in the bottom of my nightstand. But still...

I haven't slept more than 3 hours a night in more than a month. I'm exhausted. Last night I broke down and took Ambien.

If you've seen the Ambien commercials, you've seen warnings about sleep eating and driving.

Add to the list... Ambien-dialing.
It's kinda like drunk dialing, except you have utterly NO recollection of it in the morning.

I called the Turkish Photog. Repeatedly. (Based on caller id) Can't tell from my phone how long the calls were. No memory of it.

Then it gets worse.

I called a guy friend that I've known since I was in college radio. He is moving back to Atlanta THIS weekend. Apparently I left him a rather racy voicemail. Then I guess I redialed instead of hitting the end call button and he saw me calling back and thought it was important. And apparently we had a risque conversation.

Me. No memory. I see on caller id I called.

This morning, he calls me. I ask how the packing is going. Something is VERY different in his voice. I told him I'm sorry that I called him - I didn't mean to. He said he was "REALLY" glad I did. And I could do it whenever I wanted and he REALLY wanted to see me this weekend because we discussed some "REALLY" hot stuff.

My jaw dropping.

I told him it was unintentional. I'm sorry. Forget it happened.

He said he couldn't. That he's listened to the voicemail... repeatedly. And he couldn't wait to see me.
And he's sent more texts affirming that.

I'm mortified. Beyond tears. When I took the Ambien, I turned my ringer off and put the phone in the bottom of my nightstand. But still...

Insomnia continues. I haven't slept more than 3 hours a night since early Feb. So I'm reading online - laptop on my tummy.

Tux came on top of me, plopped down, paws on either side of my face, stretched out, huge yawn, gives my nose a kiss and starts snoring again.

And to think I want to kill him from time to time. Uber cute when they in in this mode.

So I am taking medical leave from work starting Monday. I don't get paid salary, but I do still get commissions so I'll have some income.

My boss' boss has been cool about it. I shared with him how challenging it has been to try to get my boss' attention to discuss it and him having me on speakerphone with someone else in his office during the discussion about my personal health matters wasn't kosher with me. I told him that I was bringing this up as a 'coaching opportunity' for my boss.

But my boss showed his 'sensitivity' yet again. Middle of the office yesterday he asks me when I was going to take leave. (I've not discussed it with him because I can never get him alone and in theory, he, as my manager SHOULD have brought it up as an option a month ago.) I told him I was starting on Monday, that I was focusing on closing deals and making sure clients were up to speed.

He asks how long I'm going to be out. I told him I wasn't sure - that the point was to get my healthy. He asked "Two weeks? Two months? What?"

I told him that was up to my doctor. That I wanted to be back to work ASAP.
He asked again. "How long?"
I told him again, that would be up to my doctor - that I hadn't spoken to him since the last round of testing on Friday.

Insensitivity anyone?

They are continuing the IV infusions for another week. Tired of it. I don't feel better. I think it's irritating my bladder b/c I feel like I have a UTI but I don't. And I have to take meds for a yeast infection every other day or else it comes back raging. Not to mention the PICC line hurts like a frickin' beast, is uncomfortable, yada yada yada.

I see the doc on Tuesday.

I am having a bad hair day.
I catch my stockings on the velcro on my laptop case and tore a huge hole on my calf.

I check my horoscope - no mention of it being a day for the crapper.

I go to my 10am appt and he says it is scheduled for tomorrow.
(I am already booked for tomorrow. We did the appt anyway)
I have the pain in the ass customer sending me emails constantly and calling DEMANDING that I call her back.
We have an all-hands company-wide call today from 11am - 2pm. I replied via email to her that if she can fill me in via email, I can help her much faster. She replies that she HAS to talk to me. And calls repeatedly. I am not going to jump at each demand she makes.

Another client pays via check. I never take checks because it's a pain to track them down. I notified her 2 weeks ago that I'd need to get a check. Calls, emails and drive bys. NOTHING. Then she sends me this message saying that 'your priorities are not my priorities.' I should just send her to collections.

Then this guy that I've been interacting with - on the phone it's great but he gets totally pissy via text. Jumping on assumptions and accusations. I told him that perhaps we should just not text each other and only talk via phone.

Yet another client that has NEVER responded to an email or phone call since they signed up four months ago suddenly calls me four times in the matter of two hours.

About to head in to be the human pincushion. If I could drink, I would when I get home today. But no booze on these antibiotics.

I really just want to cry or get a hug from someone that means something to me. But that ain't happening.

New Day. New Attitude. I promised myself that I wouldn't be going on and on about this.
Not saying that I might have hiccups. I'm not a cold-hearted bitch. It's not going to be easy to interact in the beginning in a new way. He'll not notice the struggle, I"m good at keeping those in check.
I just can't believe that I have spent over three years, for lack of a better word, fixated.

Realized that I have to return the Xmas gift I got him... it's inappropriate now.

I need me some coffee. I need a pedicure too. If I hadn't been dealing with the medical stuff, I'd be packing my bags for a vacation... Remove myself from the situation for a while....

Not an option right now. I can focus on cleaning the house up for my new roomie.

Decided that I don't need to keep some reminders around.
Deleted all the pictures of him, pictures of 'us', pictures he took of me.

No need to keep it around.

Deleted emails I had written but never sent.
Emails exchanged between us.
Writing assignments he gave me.

Unlike previous times I've wrestled and struggled with my feelings for him, this time it is different.
No pictures to pine over. (Except one at the office and one in my purse... Will nab those.)
Nothing to keep me tied to him.
It's not bitterness. I'm not. I'm just glad that I've (FINALLY) seen the light.

My friends that are probably exhausted of hearing about 'him' can now rejoice.
I'm sure there will be some growing pains, but I'll adjust to this.

He has a key to my place. Think its best that I change the locks.
Why? I wrote about how I had fantasized about him coming to me in the middle of the night, letting himself in.

It was something he had asked me to write about)
In the past when I told him I was dating someone else, that was the time that he'd get more persistent.
So to avoid any chance of that happening again, think it's better if he didn't have that access.

And I think that I'm going to take a Hot Stud vacation. I can take a break from sending him leads, introductions and reviewing things for him.

Lastly, time to put the "Hot Stud" nickname to rest. I'll have to marinate on what the new name will be. (And should you decide to submit a suggestion, be nice. He's a great guy, but not my guy.)

I just finished a long posting and it disappeared. Perhaps its fate.

Everyone knows I've been madly in love with Hot Stud for almost three years. It's never been a 'normal' relationship. I recognized from the beginning that he's truly an exceptional man in every way. Despite working in a company whose focus was relieving stress, he was the most stressed out person I knew.

Then out of the blue, he sold it and announced he was going to pursue his passion of photography.
But then once again, he's been focusing all of his energy on launching his new company. We talk most days but at best, I see him once a month. Saw him last month for about a half-hour when I was in the area seeing a client. In December, he visited me in the hospital and he came to a client party so I could introduce him to some key people. November, we spent a few hours together where when I casually mentioned that I had gotten a booty call, his head jerked around. It was clear it caught his attention. That night he said to me that he wasn't sleeping with anyone else and would tell me if it changed. I told him I wasn't either.

(Do I believe that? I don't know. He's never misled me but I find it rather hard to believe that he's put his libido on the back burner. Particularly when I know he's working with lots of young hot 'eager' models.)

He's always been very clear that he has no patience for manipulation. I've never done/said anything to try to get him to do things. (This is particularly relevant for my current quandry.)

Last Friday, the doc cleared me for sex. I IMMEDIATELY called him. He said he was busy with shoots and family drama last weekend. Now it's Thursday. I again asked him about getting together this weekend, being more direct, saying that I was incredibly horny. His response was that he had more shoots and family stuff, "maybe Monday night."

Always put on back burner. I'm tired of being there. I realize where I stand and where I'll always stand with him. I'm an afterthought at best.

There's a guy I dated that is ready and willing to 'take care of things'. Is it my style? Not really but at the rate Hot Stud will come around, it's likely to be July.

And, based on what he said about not sleeping with anyone else, should I notify him of my decision before or after the fact? Am I obligated? And would it be a reality check for him, too late, if I don't tell him now because he'll feel like I'm telling him that just to (pardon the pun) get a rise out of him? I'd like to have a discussion, but his (pardon another pun) head isn't in the right mindset. Then again, he's never really in the right mindset for discussions.

I have his xmas gift that I haven't given to him yet. I'm tempted to write him a note about what I'm feeling and leave it at his house without annoucement. But again, I don't want to distract him from work, family etc.

The mom is stalking me. Again.

She's been sending notes several times a week in the mail. She's been sending me emails at least once a week (I have never acknowledged them to confirm she has the correct address.) She's been coming to my home on an almost daily occurance, sliding notes under my garage door and front door.

The notes say they miss me. Want to make sure I'm okay. (She doesn't know about the hospitalization or other stuff.) She wants to give me a large sum of money which (I told her a year ago that I wasn't interested in it - that she could give it to charity or whatever.) Then she's threatened to consult an attorney 'to take action'.

Via her regular visits, she can see mail/newspapers are retrieved, that trash cans are put out regularly and retrieved. So clearly I'm not dead at the foot of my stairs (which is what she used to say her fear was).

It's pretty clear that I don't want contact with her. I've told her as much, I've purposely not responded to the increasing frequency of attempts to contact me. She's trying various methods to get me to respond. Money doesn't work with me.  I don't want her to think if she does X that I'll interact with her.

So I've crafted this note to her - haven't mailed it yet. Still marinating on it. I want to let her know that I care but I just can't have her in my life right now. She's never respected boundaries I've set before, so I don't expect her to respect them now - if she doesn't back off, I might have to threaten to get a restraining order again.

"I appreciate the financial offerings, but as I indicated repeatedly in counseling last year, Based on past experiences, I prefer to keep money out of the equation. I wish that I could interact with you without being emotionally destructive. Unfortunately, I'm not in that place. You taught me to look out for myself and that's where my attention needs to be. Although the pain of not intereacting with you is evident, it is less disruptive than interacting with you. I hope one day that won't be the case. However, that time is not now. You are in my heart and thoughts always."

I feel like crap to say that - but it's a lot better than the chaos, fights, drama and crap of having her in my life.

Another check up this morning with the dermatologist.
Kuato (what I've named the infected cyst on my leg) Kuato is from the movie "Total Recall" - that 'leader' of the revolution that was the 'thing' growing out of the guy's stomach...) is not as hot and protruding but it's still oozing lots of gross stuff.

Dr. 'numbed' around it starts digging out more infected tissue and squeezing it kinda like a huge zit.
The pain is changing - it's getting deeper and burning.
He said that it's not improving as much as it should. I'm wondering if he's out of his league with this because he keeps saying this is 'exceptional' and 'really serious' but other than a culture done on the first visit. Back on Wednesday for more abuse. He said he might have to remove some of the infected tissue surgically.

I talked to two different friends that have had serious incidents with MRSA/Staph. Both expressed concern as why the docs haven't suggested seeing an infectious disease specialist - as this is not something a gynecologist and dermatologist treats regularly.

Both of the these friends had the staph come back much worse and they were on long-term antibiotics afterwards.

Home. Drugged up. I just want this fixed so I can be healthy.

I like to keep my personal/professional life separate. I don't hang with co-workers and keep an amicable but distant relationship.

I wonder why she reached out to me. I know that recognizing/dealing with this isn't something that is quickly/easily fixed. Another coworker is someone that she's close to - I was surprised that she hadn't confided in her.

I figure that I'll be hearing about her evening. How she is 'managing' that 'weekends only' drinking. She's gotta figure it out on her own.

During my 'extended bedrest', I watched the entire 6.5 seasons of "Sex and the City" in less than a week.
I LOVE that show. Life has been a little less fabulous since it went off the air.

I had a long lunch with my guy friend, D. yesterday. We dated maybe 5 years ago briefly - but he smokes, sort of a hermit and is allergic to cats. So we've been fabulous friends. His life is rather uneventful but he's incredibly dependable.

He asked what I had been up to. I shared with him about watching the series.
He asked me an interesting question.

"Which character did I most closely relate to?"

Wow.
I said I guess I connected with Carrie's love of shoes, romantic debacles, hopeless optimism for the love story, and the continual connection to one particular man.

Then again, Charlotte's propriety sometimes resonates with my upbringing... I believe in RSVP's, thank you cards, and many things proper and appropriate.

He said he saw some of Samantha in me.
I said he thought I slept with anything with a dick?
He said no - that I had this sense of power that attracted men, a confidence, that at times I could absolutely own a room. (But, he said, I didn't have the excessive confidence of her.)

So I asked if I had some of Miranda in me?
He said we both had red hair.
And we were females.
And we both were career-focused and driven.
But beyond that, nada.

It gave me pause to think....
What the hell was a straight guy doing watching that series to know that much?

And... He... Said...
(Drumroll please!)

I
was
cleared
for
sex!

Not that I've gotten laid, but something about being under doctor's orders NOT to have it was really depressing. However, I did send an update to Hot Stud. Sadly, he's been busy all weekend with shoots. Last night he sent me a text saying he had a 'very bad day' and 'didn't want to talk about it'.

I replied that I was sending him love, hugs and I was here for him whenever, wherever, whatever.

I've never said the three little words "I love you" to him. But I've signed notes "Love" or "With you" or I'll say "You know I love you but..."

He's never said it back, except when I was in the hospital - he left me a message saying he loved me. (It's saved for eternity.)

I wonder... I believe that those three little words are not the most important thing - people say it casually and without it being real. Actions speak so much louder than words. I know Hot Stud loves me. There are people who aren't comfortable articulating things. Mr. Orlando said he loved me after less than a month of a long-distance relationship - I pretended that I didn't hear him because I knew it wasn't real. His actions later proved that. So the words don't mean as much to me as the actions - however - hearing them knowing they are genuine would probably cause me to faint.

More to update...