Went to doc on Tuesday at 7am. He did another ultrasound, said there was more fluid despite the antibiotics. He had me admitted immediately.

Had a CT scan. Dr came by that evening and said I had to have a hysterectomy but my white blood count was so high, he wanted to put me on heavy-duty antibiotics to try to get things in control. The IV person took four tries to get the IV in.  My posterior is covered in track marks from all the Demerol shots.

I wasn't very hungry and it was a good thing I wasn't because food selections included chicken fried steak, fried chicken fingers, chicken pot pie. I asked if they had anything remotely more healthy, nope. So I lived on very dry wheat toast.

Hot Stud came by unannounced and brought me a goody bag of books. A couple of other friends visited as well. My boss came by on Xmas day - I got the impression that he didn't really think I was in the hospital. The conversation was uncomfortable to begin with, and the fact that I was drugged and looking quite glamorous in my hospital gown, led to me not really wanting the company. He asked again if I would be back to work on Monday.  

I was sleeping 3 out of every 4 hours due to the demerol. Except I was awakened every two hours to check my  temperature, blood pressure, to see if I had a drug pump, house cleaning, house cleaning's supervisor, food services checking to see if my tray had been picked up (three different occasions every meal). It was no place for rest.

I had considered letting my mother know about things, but I knew she would do nothing but drive me crazy, so I gave her number to Hot Stud and the nurses in case something serious came up. I did a lot of reflecting about it. I just wanted to sleep and be alone. The doc and I had very detailed conversations about things - he wasn't going to take out my ovary/ies unless it was an absolutely urgent situation.

Had surgery at 4pm yesterday. Was surprised at how little pain was involved. The doc (GROSS details alert) said that there was more than 20 oz of pus in my uterus. He said even he was grossed out and had never seen anything like it. I have 3 little scars. He said no sex for 8 weeks. (Oh, like that will be an issue!)

I was released at 11am. My car was still across the street at the dr's office. So X-ray doc picked me up and dropped me off at my car. I was going to go to a drive-thru pharmacy and head home.

But I had to go to six different pharmacies to find demerol. I was exhausted and hurting by that time. I came home, looked at my mail, took a shower and have hopped into some jammies, curled up with the kitties now. The don't seem to have missed me at all. (I left them a bunch of food/water on Tuesday just in case. A friend went by to give them more food/water on Xmas - they are just dandy now.)

Dr. said bedrest for at least a week. I think I'll be up and operational before then.

Got the 2nd opinion today. She confirmed I need to have the surgery ASAP. She also said that the first doc I saw was good and she'd let him do the surgery on her if she was in my shoes.

I was in pain yesterday just getting up to wash dishes/feed felines. Today, I had to see a client before I went to see the doc. By the time I was done with the doc, the pain was so bad that I had to stand up hunched over.

I called my boss this morning - asked him if he could run an appt for me - I told him I was supposed to be on bedrest until the surgery. He then asked three times if I would be in the office tomorrow or Wednesday. According to doc #2, a month recovery would be typical, but I might be able to be back in the saddle after a few weeks. (The boss is going to have a conniption.)

Not sure how the heck I'm going to manage if its going to take that long to recover. Not nervous about the procedure. Just about the recovery. Heading in to the doc tomorrow am. Wish me luck. Happy holidays to everyone.

Seriously. If you get grossed out, don't read this.

I've been having lower abdominal pain, low-grade fevers and what I thought was a recurring yeast infection since early this year. Repeated visits to my gyn without resolution. However, the pain has been getting worse and worse. And the discharge (remember, you were warned) kept increasing and wasn't a typical yeast infection.

Thursday, things got much worse, the pain more intense, the fever was up, and I had an experience that made me think my water had broken (if I was pregnant). We're talking A LOT of fluid. At work. I was mortified (Thank goodness I was in a black skirt!)

I knew I shouldn't bother to go back to my old gyn. I knew trying to find a gyn that would give a new patient a same day appt right before xmas was going to be a challenge. However, after calling 27 different doctors, I miraculously got an appt for Friday afternoon.

I had done some searching on WebMD on Thursday evening, it said if it wasn't a yeast/bacterial infection, it was possibly an STD. Lovely...

See the doc, really liked his staff. Sat down with him in the office to chat about what was going on. He was really detailed in my history (which is complex). He said it was probably a bacterial infection, he'd get me on an aggressive treatment.

So into the stirrups, he does a sonogram and says to me "You are lucky to be alive, we're going to have to schedule an emergency hysterectomy on you."

A year ago, I had a uterine ablation - that's where they burn the inside of your uterus (if you have one). When done correctly, the uterus, shaped like a V, heals together like a l. Mine wasn't done correctly, it only burned the bottom part and the upper part was full of pus. That's what leaked out of me the day before.

He said that if my tubes hadn't been tied off, I would be dead due to the infection. He said he wanted to get me on aggressive antibiotics to try to reduce the pus. He wants to minimize the possibility of the pus getting into my bloodstream. I'm on bedrest. If my fever goes up or the pain gets worse, I'm to call him and go to the ER.

I'm not overly concerned about losing my uterus - I just don't want to deal with being down. I'm already emotionally down. I'm home. In bed. Have books and movies. I painted my toes. Cleaned out my nightstand.

I am grateful I ended up getting the doc I did. And the friends are being great - offering to help out. XRay doc said he'd check with some of the gyns at his hospital to get their feedback. And another guy I dated a while back that has been a friend since dated a gyn after me - he's talked to her and she's calling me today to talk. Not sure what they can do. One of my coworkers has been really sweet, she's calling regularly to check up on me.

If the antibiotics work and the pain/fever stay in check, I go back to the doc on Wednesday to schedule the hysterectomy. Not the way I wanted to spend my holidays - I was planning on doing some cleaning... No clue what the recovery is like. I hope it's done laproscopically. Anyone had a hysterectomy?

I've been blogging here for five years but I think it's best I stop.

I shared with a friend about how down I've been feeling. It wasn't something I wanted to get into, but this person got somewhat persistent.

Basically, the response I got was 'to be strong' and that 'things will get better'.

Seriously?
Haven't I been strong for years? That somehow I'm weak by admitting that I feel completely hopeless and helpless? Someone that is strong... even they have their limits.

And says who things get better? Is that something that I can get in writing?

I find that I cannot be honest with people about what's going on. And if I get one more placating comment like that, I think I'll scream. There's nothing friends can do for me. I feel terribly alone but the thought of sitting around and crying doesn't fix things either. I've tried reaching out to get readmitted for the treatment that worked before, but it's just a temporary fix.

I learned that talking about the rape made people very uncomfortable - people don't ask me about it if I've shared, and they often distance themselves from me afterwards. I know that I'm not particularly easy to deal with. It's a lot easier for everyone involved if I keep them at arms length. Being honest doesn't seem to be the way to go.

No, I'm not planning on jumping off a bridge or doing something along those lines. It seems like people just can't handle the truth about how I'm feeling. I get it. I wouldn't know what to say to me either. Think its best not to continue.

I wish all you bloggers the happiest of holidays and new year.

The boss likes to show up on appointments with us. I had one in the boonies on Thursday morning. He said he wanted to meet me there.

Boonies = even though I am a native Atlantan, I am extremely directionally-challenged. I have told this to him repeatedly. I have tried to compensate by printing out directions from Google maps ahead of time. Still, he insists on calling me numerous times. I tell him repeatedly that I cannot help him. He gets royally pissy that I don't know (magically) that he should go east or west based on some random road he mentions.

He bitches that we should all pay out of pocket for a wireless aircard - but he won't use the navigation on his phone or invest in $120 for a GPS system?

So he calls me four times in the span of less than 10 minutes asking me for directions. (Is this MY responsibility? I gave him the address and a map... you know?) I explained to him that I was letting my gps guide me while listening to his CD of him doing our presentation, so I wasn't paying attention to the street names, etc. (hee hee!)

Friday morning meeting, he goes into this exhaustive discussion about drawing a map of Atlanta and how we should be able to figure out east/west and talk him to a meeting. We're talking at least 10 minutes. Talking to us like we are 8 years old.

So I've already put into the suggestion box that for our 'gift' to him as an office = a GPS system.
Totally self-serving, right?

He showed up on my meeting (eventually) at a coffee shop. Thankfully, the client was late - he was at the wrong place. I do his version of the PowerPoint presentation. I get that he's been really helpful in some people on the west coast in getting awesome results with their sales using his presentation. But it's not me. But I can be a really good parrot when necessary. I was even doing his hand gestures according to the slides. Toward the end of the presentation, having him there threw me off - so I let him take over. The guy said that he couldn't commit to anything without his partner. The boss kept pushing him. (If I was the business owner, I would have been REALLY turned off by his borderline pushiness.) Fortunately, the boss had to leave to go to another appt. Left me with the prospective client - we ended up talking another 90 minutes. He told me that I'm getting the deal and told me what to say to his partner to get him on board.

Afterwards, the boss called me into his office to review my presentation. He said I had the best presentation of anyone in the office. That he actually picked up some things that he was going to tell everyone to use. (They've already adopted a couple of other things I've been using for a while...) I even mentioned things that I saw wrong with my presentation that he didn't even mention. I didn't think I did that great of a job because he was there - imagine if he had seen me when I was really on the ball?

Spent the day in bed. (Alone, you pervs!) I watched a couple of bad movies, did a lot of journaling, and spent quite some time reviewing my clients' campaigns. Still in my pajamas. I had a pot of coffee for breakfast. I'm not hungry.  I did clean the litter boxes, washed dishes, and took out the trash, so I was somewhat productive.

But not much.

Hot Stud called a little while ago. I'm feeling really emotional, so I decided it was best not to talk to him. He called last weekend, I was in my dark place and we spoke briefly - he asked if I had been drinking. (I haven't had a drink in months unless you count the rum in the icing of the cookies I made a few weeks ago...) I'm pulling away from him. No need to hurt him. No need to worry him. No need to have him drop things to try to help me yet again. He's got a lot on his plate and he doesn't need to be distracted.

Right now, Tuxie is sleeping on my chest. Velvet is sleeping at my feet. They are behaving themselves (for a change) and it is appreciated.

The other night I had to go to a client Christmas party.This is the one where all the hip-hop stars and athletes get their cars customized at. (We're talking Rolls Royce Phantom sort of cars...)

I wanted to introduce a new client to the one holding the party because it's a great business connection. I also invited Hot Stud - the client would be a great contact for him with his new company launch as well as his photography to showcase their cars because the current pics don't do them justice.

Obviously, Hot Stud is really gorgeous. New client is also quite cute and single. I was noticing how much attention I was getting from other men as we were standing around talking. I was talking to new client and another guy entered the conversation. New client left me with the other guy to get another drink. Three girls walk up to us, asking him if they could pose for a picture and get an autograph. I have no idea who the guy is - when he said his name, the music was really loud and I wasn't that concerned with recalling it. So someone else I knew walks up to me and says they need another one of my business cards to pass along to someone. I give them a card. This apparently somewhat famous guy says "don't I get one too?" I asked him why he'd want one of my cards. He said "So I can call you tomorrow and ask you out."

Me = not interested.
Me = not impressed.
Me = irritated that he would not inquire if one of the two guys I was with was more than a business contact.
He made a bunch of comments about how he loved my smile and my laugh. That kind of crap makes me want to hurl.

There were some of the Real Housewives of Atlanta there. Some folks from Tyler Perry's group. Heck, he might have been there, but I wouldn't recognize them.

The cute single new client... I think... was making an attempt at asking me out. He asked me what I was doing this weekend. I told him I was working Saturday. And Sunday I was going to catch the Falcons game. He asked me if I liked going to the games. I said I hadn't been to a game since I was 8. He said we'd have to change that. I told him I'd like that. But that's as far as it went.

Cute single new client is sort of a local celebrity. I see the girls he dates in his revolving door. All young hot tight bodies. Wondering if he's just a flirt or what. Hot Stud is still the object of my affection. But, I'd be open to dating new client.

In reality, I'm not up to dating anyone. I'm an emotional wreck. The word "clusterfuck" seems to describe my life pretty well. I have been keeping my distance from Hot Stud. Part of me doesn't even want him to see how much of a downward spiral I'm in. I think I need to give up on the delusional dreams I have that one day, we'll be more than what we are.

I want nothing more than to not be alone. However, I'm the one to put up all the walls to keep people at a distance. I feel like there's no point anymore in trying to make connections. I have nothing to offer and I'm beyond help from others.