Date Saturday night.
So of course I'm wearing some hot shoes.

4 inch heels.
New.

I get a heel caught in the fringe of the rug of the eclectic place we're having after dinner drinks at.
I go flying into a coffee table.
Hard.

End up in the ER.
My date insisted. Swears I was unconscious for "a while".
He paid my ER copay - not sure if that was necessary.

Diagnosis: Mild Concussion.
Heinous headache and neck pain.
He offered to watch me at home.
I passed.
I promised him I would call if I started bleeding from the ears or woke up dead.

Not to mention really really bad blisters on the balls of my feet from those shoes.


I spent all day Sunday in bed. Walking funny today because of the blisters. So much for 'sensible' shoes. I have none.
Still have headache.
And I'm depressed.

I haven't written about 'the mom' in quite some time. In the spring we gave 'family counseling' a shot, however, it was clear that no progress was going to be made. Therapists in a 'family' setting should be somewhat neutral and objective. However, this therapist and my mother were the same age and it felt like I was sitting in a room with two mothers. After six sessions, I had enough. (Not to mention the therapist was calling me for collections when my insurance had already paid her. She said that amount wasn't sufficient - to which I would say - then that's between you and the insurance company.) She'd also call me and immediately start getting into things when I was not exactly in a location to talk about counseling... I told her repeatedly that it was best to ask me if it was okay to talk - which she never did. I would politely tell her that I'd need to talk to her later - but she'd keep going on - so I'd say goodbye and hang  up.

The mom continues to send me weekly cards saying she misses me. Or that she doesn't know what she's done wrong. I've told her (more times than I can count) that it's not about her -I just cannot deal with the stress and I've asked her to back off. But she doesn't.

Last week, she mailed me one of those Internet rumor things. (You know those bullshit things that have been going around for 10+ years?) This one was about how Diet Coke kills you and the Monsanto company and Congress, yada yada yada. I don't drink soda often. I gave it up eons ago. Once in a blue moon I'll have one.  But she SNAIL Mailed it to me. (Seriously!)

Now it gets worse. She finally figured out how to email me. I got an email from her yesterday. Do I block it? Since my car accident 18 months ago, I haven't been able to work out. That helped with the stress, anxiety, depression (and weight). I already feel the depression coming back at times. The weight is creeping back. I cannot add her to the mix and keep my sanity.

Telling her to leave me alone is heartless and it has never worked. I've changed the locks to my home. I've pleaded with her to leave me alone. I've threatened to get a restraining order if she showed up at my home again.  So now she just sits in her car for hours on end down the street to 'make sure' I'm 'alive'.

I've tried every possible solution for finding a way to work with my mother. I love her and have no doubt that she loves me. But together, we are incompatible. She doesn't respect boundaries if I give her so much as an inch. And I have to be on guard. And I've come to the realization that I'd rather deal with the guilt of not having her in my life than to deal with the insanity of having her in my life and the guilt of things I may have to say to her to protect myself. I know myself well enough that I'm not willing to throw myself to the wolves like that. I don't recognize myself when I interact with her - and it is not in a good way.

I take complete responsibility in the relationship - she's not going to change. I've tried adapting how I interact but nothing seems to work. It's like having a Category 6 Hurricane coming toward you. You can't change the path of the storm, you can only bunker down, protect yourself or get the hell out of the path. Sometimes it's more prudent to get out of town.

So now, she's got a beeline to my email. She's back to her old methods of claiming she needs to interact with me for 'financial reasons'. I gave up responding to her financial lures at 20. The price was too high. When I was really sick and unable to work several years ago, I refused all help from her as well. I had to get creative to keep my home but I did it. Had she been involved, I would be dead now. I have absolutely no doubts about it.

Do I respond to the email? I haven't responded to any of her letters/cards for ages. I made it clear to her that I couldn't interact with her. She only hears what she wants to hear. And sadly, any glimmer of response I have made in the past has led to her thinking that it's business as usual. Do I block the emails? Do I not acknowledge them? Do I ask her to respect my earlier requests to leave me alone? (Because using the 'financial' excuse is just the tip of the iceberg - she'll be sending me pleas and forwards 10x a day when she sees that she's got the correct address.)

I'm sitting in a restaurant with free wifi trying to get some work done while grabbing 'lunch' at 4pm.

There are two small children 2 and 4ish that are running around like banshees.
(apologies to any banshees reading this)

The older one actually picked up the bread off MY plate. (I wasn't eating it but still!)
I looked at him and told him to go away.
The parents look at me like I did something wrong.

Then the kids start running up and down the length of the booths.
The 4 year old knocks my $8 salad off the table.
I had only eaten 1/4 of it.

I make eye contact with the manager.
He walks away.
Parents call their kid to come back to them.
No apologies.

I say "Excuse me, your child just knocked my meal onto the floor."

The mother says "You shouldn't have had it close to the edge of the table."

(I shouldn't have said this, but it just came out...)
"You're fucking kidding me, right?"

She says a bunch of things in Spanish.
I'm guessing they weren't flattering.

I told her that she affirmed studies that habitual offenders were directly correlated to substandard parenting.
It went right over her head.

She squawked "WHat'd you say?"
I said "keep up the great job mom!"

Sorry, but this is going to be somewhat anti-climatic.

I had been a semi-finalist for a reality tv show. The taping schedule would have been really hard to incorporate with my crazy work schedule, even if I was willing to cut back on my work some.

It would have been a really cool opportunity. It's not completely off the table, but I just can't work with what they need time-wise for the show.

Sorry for the build-up and the let down.

Sorry for the delay in the 'announcement'. Waiting for it to be officially official so I don't jinx myself. Will post today.

Some guesses I've gotten were -
I'm getting married. (Nope)
I'm getting a tattoo. (Nope)
I'm moving. (Nope.)
I've got a new job. (Nope)
I won the lottery. (Nope, don't play it.)

Disclaimer: Velvet is sitting on my lap and she may be "contributing" some to this posting. She's in a lovey mood. Kneading my right thigh at the moment.

Mr. Orlando texted me to 'warn' me about gas prices going up/shortages on Friday. (We were already in the mountains and had no signal) I replied back yesterday thanking him for the update and I asked him to not text me further. He still seems to think we can be 'friends'.

I told him that perhaps I'd feel differently down the road, however, we had nothing in common; we didn't begin as friends; he hadn't demonstrated very friend-worthy behavior. I am on good terms with just about every guy I've dated more than twice - some better than others - however, I really don't see anything worthwhile that he can add to my life.

I believe that true friends are a rarity - and I consider very few people as actual friends. I have high standards. Remembering my birthday is one of those standards. Being deliberately manipulative is another. I don't see any sort of value I can gain from having him in my life. Of course, he would benefit greatly from having my assistance. He already toyed with my heart and I gave him more than enough chances to redeem himself. He sucked me dry emotionally. So why should I give him more opportunity?

Does that sound harsh?

Just back from the mountain retreat with Hot Stud and another couple. Had an AMAZING time. We stayed at a new $8mil private lake house in the NC mountains. To say it was gorgeous, that's an understatement. The owner was there as well - very cool laid back guy - and he designed the entire place.

It was odd in the beginning with Hot Stud - felt really awkward - but after a while on the ride up, things got back to normal. He was there to shoot the place - so that was his main focus. It got annoying at times, but that's how it is when he's in 'creative' mode. (We were busy doing dinner and he threw us out of the kitchen to shoot and then he showed up after we were done with dinner... which was utterly fabulous!)

The owner assumed we were both 'two' couples, so he sent us off into two different rooms. Hot Stud asked if I was uncomfortable sharing a room with him. I said no. It would be nice to have someone to snuggle with. (I didn't say that to him.)

We jet-skied, canoed, swam, (thank goodness I had a shirt on over my bikini for jet-skiing, because I got tossed at one point!) We hiked, we picked veggies in a garden to grill... We drove all over looking at waterfalls.

And Hot Stud had his cameras with him every moment. Some of the old magic between us was captured, but he also went on a diatribe about how monogamous relationships don't work. (I am not retreating to old behaviors and getting all wrapped up in him again.) Still it was nice at night to have him snuggle up around me, feeling his breath on my neck and seeing that bod that makes me still quiver.

But I was a good girl. Mostly.
The other couple commented to me about noises coming from our room late at night. It wasn't what they were thinking... But we were snuggled up in bed yesterday morning, dressed, having some chill time - looking at pics he had taken -they walked around the house to look in our window. (We didn't have blinds down - good thing we weren't up to any mischief! LOL)

Things this afternoon went really well. I should have the official announcement by Monday... Probably tomorrow but I'm probably not going to be online when we head up to the mtns...

I'm sitting in a local coffee shop. I"m wearing a pair of KILLER shoes - snake skin, peep toe, 4 inch heel. They are hot. Men and women alilke compliment me on them. (What can I say, I have good taste!)

So here I sit at a table by myself in a far off corner. Working. This man in (I am not making this up) in salmon pink drawstring pants and an aqua blue shirt sits down at the table next to me.

Body language would indicate that I'm fairly engaged in my work. (As I was.) He starts rambling about something. I nod. He keeps talking. I ignore him. He gets louder.

Then he says - those shoes really show off your legs.

I look at him. With a death stare that said "You didn't just say that to me you creep!"

He gives a really deliberate stare again at my legs. (If they offered free refills, I would have thrown my drink at him.)

What is it with men? I'm professionally-dressed, I'm working on obvious work stuff. Do I have "Floozie" written on my forehead?

I wish I had my mp3 player to drown out this sort of stuff. Or a Taser gun. 

I think I've mentioned that about 1/2 of my office is currently going through divorces.

One coworker in particular is struggling - with getting his game back on after being in a relationship/married for 8 years.

I had to listen to him try to have a conversation with a girl that was literally painful. He was stumbling all over himself and sounding so ridiculous. I emailed him and said we needed to do some 'single guy call coaching'. That is something I have a little bit of experience on!

He kept saying "Oh. Shut. Up!" And he sounded like a total wuss. And his attempt at asking her out ended up being "Well, I got the sofas - they are old but I got them in conjunction with the dvds. So maybe you can come over and we could hang and maybe watch a movie."

At this rate, the poor guy is going to be sliding deeper into the abyss of bad pick-up techniques that make single girls cringe.

Antibiotics made me sick. Like tossing cookies all night. Dragged my butt into the office. Felt feverish and my ear was really sore. (not to mention the incredible pain in my mouth) I kept trying to keep down some applesauce.

Decided to head home around 2:30. Walking out of the office building, I suddenly felt the need to lay down. Security sorta had an issue with that and had to make a big scene.

They wouldn't let me drive home. So I had to coordinate with two coworkers to drive me home and get a ride back home. (In reality - we drove around the corner and they let me drive home and they went back to work.)

Security takes their job way too seriously.

I arrived home safely. Running a somewhat high fever. I'd like to say a 'fuck you' to my dentist that said I'd be somewhat 'tender' today. It's excruciating and I look like a lop-sided chipmunk.

I'm fairly tight with my web designer. He doesn't work on my website, but I refer a lot of business to him. He's good, fast and inexpensive. I've become a mentor of sorts to him. He's a cool cat.

I connected him with Hot Stud because he needs a new website or two for his photography several months ago. Web designer has an interest in photography too - so Hot Stud has offered to take him under his wing.

(Web designer asked me at first if Hot Stud was gay... which made me laugh - and I told him about our history.)

Web designer did a really beautiful site for a very upscale private lake lodge in the mountains. As a thank you, in addition to getting paid, they offered him a weekend up there. I don't know exactly how the rest of this progressed, but Hot Stud and web  designer were planning on going up to shoot pictures. Hot Stud didn't mention it to me. However, web designer has extended the invite to me as well.

Hot Stud and I haven't talked at length in months. It's been merely brief messages that he's done stuff around the house. I don't know if he's got a new relationship or if my infamous drunken text to him changed our relationship.

I still utterly adore him. I will always hold him as an ideal man - but I get that we're not a fit. Will be interesting to see if web designer has told him that I'm coming along and see what happens to the plans. (I wonder if web designer still thinks he's bi and that's why he has me along? LOL)

Whatever.