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| Staring at my butt |
| 01.31.07 (9:11 am) [edit] |
| It was 17 this morning when I went down to feed the felines. I'm thinking vacation. My MP3 player, some books, and sun. This month, I've lost 14lbs and my body fat went down 6%. I have to attribute it to yoga and the body sculpting classes. My "I can't believe I'm actually wearing this size jeans" are now too big. I want to lose about 20 more pounds. But I'm more focused on reducing body fat. I admit, I tried on a smaller size pair of jeans the other day and enjoyed staring at my butt. Is that wrong? Oh. And the crush? He sank. |
| 1 Comments |
| Looking Back |
| 01.30.07 (9:07 am) [edit] |
| Last night I finished another journal. I've been writing in journals since I was six. Back then, it was "Dear Diary..." I have my old camp locker full of journals. It's funny to go back and read them. High school. Oh my. The ever-revolving drama between girl friends. Broken hearts in college, etc. As most of you know, the last year has been a difficult one for me, but a time of some serious personal growth. I read thru the last two journals - covering the past year or so. Wow. Put things into perspective. I had planned to kill myself. Had the plan. The date. Written goodbye notes to my friends. Had a notarized Will. Of course, things have turned around. There's a saying that it's darkest just before dawn. And, it really seems to fit with me. I still have a long way to go for my life to be where I'd like it to be, but I'm continuing forward motion. No more anxiety medication, anti-depressants. Little bumps in life don't set me reeling. I make decisions on a non-emotional, non-reactionary manner now. I've made some hard decisions, that I wish I didn't have to make, but I'm confident in the decisions I've made. I use my mantra of "Embrace the Possibility" a lot. It puts things in perspective. Life isn't ideal, but I'm optimistic. |
| 0 Comments |
| Sink or Swim |
| 01.29.07 (4:42 pm) [edit] |
| Ever seen those extended 18-wheelers with the extra load they pull behind? I feel like I've been run over by a convoy of them. Off of work thru Wednesday. "Bereavement Leave". Was going to get together with 'the crush' tomorrow and do the fish tank, but the entire crush sentiment is waning rather quickly. I don't know if I wrote that I saw him briefly last week during lunch while I was in the area for a client appt. He seems to light up when he sees me, but I don't know if it's his pecker or genuinely him. We spoke today - he's moving into another apartment in his building and needs to get it done by Wednesday. So he said he was stressed about getting everything done (however, he's been online for over an hour...)Talked about 5 minutes. He didn't ask a thing about me. I think that was the biggest sign of all for me. First couple of dates with him had me really impressed. I've written off the behavior (or lack thereof) as part of his stress/depression/blues. People cope in different ways. Maybe this isn't the best time for having me in the picture. Taking him to the fish tank was sort of my sink or swim for him. I get to a point with men that I just emotionally detach. And when I get to that point, there's very little that can be done to revive it. (I can't recall a single instance...) I'm at that point. I think I've already passed it. My thoughts are "call me or not, whatever, I just want my tapes back." Not exactly the ideal romantic sentiment, is it? There's plenty of other fish in the sea. I imagine there's got to be a couple that are interested in nibbling on moi. |
| 0 Comments |
| Tom Dick Hairy or something like that. |
| 01.22.07 (5:58 pm) [edit] |
| The crush and I were supposed to get together on Saturday but he bailed on me - his voicemail something about having to go to out of town on business. I get that he's going through some stuff but I am not keeping the fires at home warm for him anymore. (Whatever that means) I don't want to be ambivalent about the situation, yet if I summarize what goes through my head is: "When you get your shit straight, give me a call. Maybe I'll answer." I dig the guy but I don't dig his behavior. I don't know him well enough to know what to think. Not 10 mins after I got the vm of him cancelling, I got a call from another prospect that wanted a 2nd date. Nice guy but not the guy for me. Dinner and a walk around the bookstore. Hot Stud and I talk several times a week. Long conversations. Sharing more and more about what's going on with him. I'm touched that he shares the stuff with me. I utterly adore the guy but we all know the rest of the story... My fingers are cold, so I'm going to stop typing. |
| 2 Comments |
| Steamy Hot Date that Got Me All Wet |
| 01.22.07 (5:24 pm) [edit] |
| Steamy hot date last night with an old 'friend'. Candlelight. Chill music. Cold frosty mug of (root) beer. Me nekkid. And Mr. Bubble. (not really, it was a chi-chi vanilla concoction, but...) I used to have a ritual of Sunday night bubble baths during chilly weather. I referred to it as my "date with Mr. Bubble". Somehow, I had stopped the tradition and recalled yesterday while I was in yoga that I hadn't had a date with Mr. Bubble in over a year! So I gave the Jacuzzi tub a good cleaning, cranked up the water heater full blast and filled the tub up with scorching hot water. Added some bubbles, turned on the jets and soaked. It rocked except I added too many bubbles. Reminded me of that scene from Ghostbusters... And I needed someone to give my shoulders a good massage because the tub isn't quite long enough to let me extend my legs and sink all the way down to my shoulders... (Amusingly enough, when I stood up, I had these two balls of bubbles on my booty that reminded me of those poodles that get shaved except those dumb balls of fur on their hind hips.) I will definitely be keeping my Sunday night dates the rest of the winter. |
| 0 Comments |
| Almost quit my job yesterday. |
| 01.20.07 (8:55 am) [edit] |
| I came close to quitting my job yesterday. I took the job because : A) I desperately needed the money B) job was 1 1/2 miles from my house C) I desperately needed health insurance. I have yet to see a lick of commission despite bringing in well over $250,000 in business in 3 months. And they have yet to advise us of the commission plan for 2007. (Looking at calendar, it's the 20th day of January.) I was told I'd be eligible for health insurance Jan 1, 2007. Then I was told they were changing carriers and that date would be pushed back until February 1. So be it. I've always worked for Fortune 100 companies, so the health insurance process is handled significantly different. A week ago, at 5pm, I was handed four extensive questionnaires for various insurance providers and told to 'leave them in the HR/office manager's' box by Monday afternoon. (Her 'box is hanging outside her door for anyone to peruse through.) I looked through the paperwork and had a lot of questions because a) I wanted to answer accurately and some of the questions I couldn't answer yes or no to. b) I had concerns about the privacy of the forms since she was being so casual about leaving them outside in her box for the world to see. (Did I mention she was OOTO on Monday for MLK?) So Tuesday morning, I tell her I have some questions about it. Late that afternoon, she gave me the insurance broker's number and told me to call him. I did. Got voicemail. Left msg. I asked her for his email address - I work in a large open area and didn't want to talk about health stuff with the world to hear - as well as the fact that ALL of our calls are recorded... She never got the email to me. Wednesday she was OOTO again. Wednesday, the broker called me while I was at a client appt. His msg said he would be OOTO the rest of the afternoon but would follow up with me on Thursday. Thursday, HR/Office Manager was back. Told her the telephone tag, she said "not to worry about it." I assumed that apparently my form was not that big of a deal for submission. Friday morning, I was at an appt with the CDC (a $75,000 deal) finalizing things, came back to our 12noon staff meeting. I had promised CDC that I would get some information together to her by 2pm because she needed to deciminate it to her team leaders by then for a Monday morning staff meeting. Staff meeting got out after 1pm. So I'm rushing back to my desk, trying to get everything together from my meeting for CDC chick. At 1:55, HR/Manager woman has someone come over and say "she's transferring a call to you that you need to take". I say "I need 5 minutes." That someone says "No, she says you have to talk to them now." I reply "FIVE Minutes." She transfers the call to me anyway. I let it go to vm. Then my boss comes over and tells me to go to HR woman now. I say "Five minutes." It's 1:57 and all these interruptions are just delaying me from focusing on what I'm doing. Then the President tells me to go see her. I say "PLEASE let me finish this - I have to get this to her by 2pm when she's leaving." My boss comes back over and hands me the insurance forms and tells me to just sign that I'm waiving coverage. So I am SO pissed at this point, I scribble my name on a line and hand them to him. I get the email off to CDC at 2:07. At that point, I could have focused on things and it wouldn't have been an issue. BUT I was PISSED at how this has been handled from the get-go. It gets worse. But I have got go Yoga class. |
| 0 Comments |
| Sushi and Shit |
| 01.12.07 (7:09 am) [edit] |
| There's a great little chinese/japanese steakhouse around the corner from my house/job that has $1 sushi on Thursdays. Since yesterday was Thursday, I decided to partake in some yummy California Rolls. (Can't have raw fish...) I get 12 pieces for $3. Not too shabby. Enjoying some peace and quiet with a book while waiting for my chow. In the booth directly behind me is a mother/daughter. Daughter is college-age (guessing a freshman) and talking about how she's enjoying her professors blah blah blah. My sushi comes. YUM. Taking that first bite (with chopsticks, bien sur!) when the mom starts talking about a recent episode of Oprah. It was on poop. Seriously. The mother went on and on (and on and on) about how they were discussing texture, length, color, blah blah blah. Suddenly, my appetite had waned. I don't like hearing about what comes out while I'm in the midst of putting stuff in my mouth. Call me silly. I thought of asking to be moved, but the lingering odor of the topic was still fresh in my mind. So I got a 'to go box' and let my coworker eat it when I got back in the office. And in a totally different serious fish-related commentary, RIP Ralph. :( |
| 0 Comments |
| Churn my butter |
| 01.08.07 (1:58 pm) [edit] |
| I officially don't give a flying flip about my job. Tired of the ridiculous crap going on there. While interviewing and insubsequent emails, I was assured they aren't clock-watchers. Bullpuckey. So, passive-aggressively speaking, I'm working exactly 8am - 5pm and taking exactly 60 minutes lunch. Since I've yet to be trained on anything technical, I'm going to be devoting a good portion of my day to product knowledge. They apparently don't give a crap about producing revenue, etc. Just that I'm in the office on my ass for those hours. So they will get just that. Meanwhile, my boss has been repeatedly very sick since October with colds/flu etc - and he keeps coming into the office and infesting the rest of us with his crap. That also really churns my butter! On an interesting side-note, I frequent many job boards for 'prospecting'. I've found a posting or two that I'm interested in. Imagine - they are paying me to look for a new job. (Granted, I won't be so brazen to send my resume from there...) |
| 0 Comments |
| Girl Crush |
| 01.07.07 (8:57 pm) [edit] |
| Yoga class today. Different instructor. I was distracted throughout the class. The girl in front of me I was totally crushing on in a girl-crush kind of way. She was HOT. And she had this whole Yoga thing down pat - all the positions - graceful. I want to be like her when I grow up. (My other girl crushes are Shakira and Diane Lane.) Having bad storms here - 50mph winds and driving rain (which I was driving in). So no Hot Stud tonight. In jammies, going to eat some pumpkin seeds and read a book. "The Crush" had mentioned he really dug Mary Jane shoes on girls. I saw a cute pair - that I would have gotten regardless. I was saving them for our next date, but... I'm wearing them tomorrow to work. No point in them collecting dust. |
| 0 Comments |
| Pretzel-like Positions |
| 01.07.07 (12:29 pm) [edit] |
| I don't want to go to work tomorrow. Someone please tell me there's some sort of holiday. On the otherhand, all my grand plans for home-cleaning haven't exactly been accomplished so far this weekend. Still somewhat distracted with the whole "crush" thing. I re-read his email and he said he was utterly "buried" last week. However, as a guy friend said (and I believe as well), if he had *really* wanted to talk to you or see you, he would have called. At least that's my theory. So the magic on my end is deflating quite quickly. Good thing I didn't put Hot Stud out to pasture. Gym. Going to distract myself with sweat and pretzel-like positions in another 2 hour hot yoga class. I haven't done a split since I was about 12, but I was close to doing a full one yesterday. So now I'm determined to accomplish it. That should make me popular with the boys, right? |
| 0 Comments |
| Dilemma |
| 01.06.07 (10:30 am) [edit] |
| Last saw "the crush" (notice he's in all lowercase right now) Sunday. Not a peep since then. I broke down and called him yesterday to say hi. Got his VM. Since we've begun speaking, he's ALWAYS answered my calls. I really dig him. There was this whirlwind of "wow" between us. So shortly after my call yesterday afternoon, I got a brief email saying that his week has been blah and that was pretty much it. He told me on our first date that he really appreciated my honesty. So my reply to his email was honest. I said I was disappointed that I hadn't heard from him all week. That I was going to the gym, that I'd be done around 6 and we could catch up then. I'm getting the feeling, on his end, that this has fizzled before it began. That I have no control over. Disappointed but will learn a lesson from it. If I'm overanalyzing it and it's not fizzling, I need to know because otherwise, I have a date with Hot Stud (notice he IS in caps) tomorrow. In an ideal world, I'd like to have "the crush" say to not see "Hot Stud" because he's still into me. However, "Hot Stud" tomorrow, will be more like damage control, washing "the crush" out of my hair. I hate this dating bullshit. All the wondering, the waiting, the analyzing. It makes me want to be that crazy cat lady and never date again. Those of the male persuasion, I could really use your insight on this one. |
| 0 Comments |
| Premature Snuggilation |
| 01.05.07 (1:50 pm) [edit] |
| And, not a peep from "the crush" since Sunday night. :( I guess I snuggled prematurely... I admit I'm disappointed because he's the first dude in a LONG time that I really really (2 reallys) liked. And he knew how to treat a girl. Not to mention the toe-curling smooches. (Granted, he could be busy, but not a call or email ALL week? Geesh!) Good thing Hot Stud's still around offering to distract me. And there are other fish in the sea. |
| 0 Comments |
| Mid-Day Update |
| 01.05.07 (1:34 pm) [edit] |
| Home for lunch. Long-ass day because the company's internet has been down since last night. I've cleaned my desk, re-organized my files, made calls from client numbers I had written down and played a few games of solitaire. Can you say boredom? The boss still hasn't has the testicular fortitude to discuss the "time off" issue in my earlier rant this morning. We have a company-wide (12 people) meeting every Friday at noon. We go around the table and comment on stuff. I've made a point of thanking the CEO every time for his help with large deals that I'm working on. (Namely b/c my boss hasn't.) Maybe it's kissing butt, but I appreciate him taking time to work with me. (And passive-aggressively, I like snubbing my boss. LOL) On the upside, I've lost 6.5 lbs since January 1. Back to a super-strict eating plan. And apparently it's working. My goal was to lose 8 lbs by the end of January. At this rate, I might have to change my goal to 12 lbs. and increase what I'm eating. (Lunch is squash/red onions sauteed in OO and some baked chicken breast - not exactly exciting, but having my size 12 pants getting to be too big makes it worth it.) |
| 0 Comments |
| Shaking My Booty |
| 01.05.07 (5:54 am) [edit] |
| So after the 'incident' at work yesterday (see previous ranting post), I really really felt like going home and crawling into bed. But I remembered that the cardio salsa class at the gym was last night. Off to the gym I went. The class was pretty full. (All those New Year's Resolutionites!) About 30 women - mostly in their 40's to 50's. And one man in his 50's. He was front and center. The class is fun. And, can really get the heart rate pumping. Not to mention, watching some of these people try to shake their posteriors/hips and get the steps right, make me laugh. The instructor is dressed in a lycra/sequined catsuit with HUGE flare legs - something resembling a costume out of Selena. Salsa and Mambo are typically rather smooth dances. Cardio Salsa is too. But there was this girl in front of me that was bouncing all over the place. And the dude. Oh man. He couldn't get the moves, so he would start doing the Charleston or some other variation of dance (poorly). Now, I'm all for getting your groove on and I understand that it takes some time to get the hang of the moves, but it was REALLY distracting trying to keep up with the instructor while this guy is right in front goofing off. Public Service Announcement: If you don't know what the hell you're doing in Cardio Salsa, stay in the back. Watch me shake my hips like a pro. ;) |
| 1 Comments |
| Bitch Session |
| 01.05.07 (5:45 am) [edit] |
| I started this new job in late October. I was told the company closes the office the week of Xmas but I wouldn't have earned more than 2 days paid time off. After the T'giving holiday, I asked the boss if I could work the 27th and 28th of December since I had a lot of stuff that would keep my busy. He said it shouldn't be a problem, he'd check with the Pres of the company and let me know if there was a problem. (Had he said I still had to take the time off, I would have either taken a trip - which I could desperately use, or had some surgery that I need.) Week before Xmas, I'm mentioning that I have conference calls with three large clients to finalize some significant deals the following week. Emailing and telling him face to face. No mention of anything contradictory about working those days... The last day of work before Xmas, the company Pres mentions something about her fish going 10 days w/o food. I told her I'd be happy to feed them while I'm at the office. She said "the office is closed - I don't want you working here alone - there's a crack house next door." I replied to her that I frequently work weekends and that there was a class being taught at the office Tues - Thurs. She said "Oh." I was in the office on the 27th and 28th from 8am - 4pm. Closed two big deals and worked out the logistics for deal #3. (Revenue totals are more than my annual salary). I sent emails to my boss and the CEO (who was working with me on one of the big deals), giving them status reports. Late on the 28th, the CEO (not the Pres) comes in. I tell him that the phone system is screwed up and incoming calls weren't working the day before. He was rushing around to install some software. Nothing else was mentioned... Yesterday, my boss is finally back in the office. Several conversations with him during the day about stuff. Then at 5pm, he asks me into his office. Telling me that people around the office are talking because I'm leaving the office during the day. (For occasional networking events and sales calls and my weekly counseling appointment) He acknowledges that they don't understand that and he does - and that I'm totally kicking ass bringing in business. (I'm thinking to myself, "And your point?") Have no clue what I'm supposed to do except climb out the back window so no one else sees me leaving for the appointments... Then I mention something about how I figured out some technical stuff on my own last week since I didn't have anyone else to rely on. He said "What were you doing here last week? The office was closed?" I reminded him of our conversation and that he said he'd get back with me if there was a problem with me working those days. And that I had updated him on scheduled calls last week prior to them happenin - that he hadn't said a thing about it. I had also spoken to the HR woman that day reminding her that I was working those days - and she said ok. He told me that "the office was closed and you will be charged for future time off for those days." He apologized for the miscommunication. I told him that I worked my butt off last week and that I shouldn't be penalized for the miscommunication. (Translation: his failure to check with the Pres. and pay attention to all my comments about working last week.)And that had he notified me in a timely manner, I could have made travel arrangements to spend the holidays with friends instead of alone here (Guilt, guilt, guilt) and that I purposely didn't want to use time off that I hadn't accrued yet because I was expecting to have some outpatient sinus surgery in the near future and needed to bank the time. This is bullshit. I'm going to have to seriously bite my tongue today. My boss, as a person, is a nice guy. However, as a manager, he's spineless and doesn't give a flip about anything except his reports. I'm going on strike. I've closed 9 deals in 2 months. Number of deals closed by the other 3 team members (including my boss?) 1 small one. |
| 0 Comments |
by Redonthehead