It's 6:59pm. I just got home. I've been at the office since 7am. Yep. No lights are on at the front of the house. But these kids keep coming to the door, banging on it, ringing the doorbell. (This freaks the cats out and is disrupting my attempt at relaxing after a long day.)

I hear the parents standing at the foot of the driveway - letting their cretins do this.

My front yard is totally dark. NO gas lights out front. Nada.

I'm *really* tempted to throw water out from the window that's over the front door.
Teach the little varmits a lesson or two. Yes, I'm in a bitchy mood whenever ill-behaved children are involved.

Maybe next year I'll give out some really crappy candy. (What's like the worst candy you can give out? Maybe I'll buy it 50% off tomorrow and let it sit around for a year...)

The upside of being so exhausted is that I've lost 4 1/2 lbs this week. No gym. Granted, I haven't really been hungry for anything. I go to the grocery store with the cart, wheeling between aisles, totally non-committal about anything.

I already have 6 deals in the works with work. Translation: I'm kicking ass.

Know the great feeling when you find a $20 bill in your pocket? I had that experience yesterday.

I had to take this job because I'm broker than broke. My mortgage and property taxes and homeowners insurance are due on the 15th of November. I have about $100 in the bank. I've been juggling different utility bills monthly as I scraped money together from medical studies or various other methods.

I found out that my new company pays the last day of the month. And we wouldn't be set up in payroll until November 30. Translation: no moolah until then. Realizing I'm screwed. If my property taxes are late, they hit you with a 25% penalty.

So I call my former 401k company (aka Fidelity). I have a variety of different accounts with them b/c of the different companies I've worked for. (I worked with AT&T and then AT&T Wireless split off, so I had a sep 401k then...) I spoke to someone to see if there was anything left in the accounts that I could withdraw w/o tax penalties since it was for medical reasons. (Doesn't hurt to ask, right?)

He did some checking around.

He said, why aren't you withdrawing money from your brokerage account instead?

I said "Brokerage account?"
I never opened a brokerage account. The only stock I've dealt with (other than the AT&T Wireless stock I purchased and lost my shirt and bra on) was related to my 401k. Never brokerage.

Anyway, he tells me that I have a brokerage account. And there's a nice chunk of change in it. More than enough to cover my mortgage for a few months, pay my property taxes, my homeowners insurance and pay my bills in full. (I've been juggling them - you know - skipping a month for one to pay the other...)

There might even be a wee bit left over for me to buy a pair of boots for myself. I haven't bought any clothes or shoes for myself in over 2 years. And since I've lost weight, there's not a lot that fits me. (So why boots?) Well, my black knee-high boots are the stretchy type and they are too stretched out - they sag almost down to my ankles. I'd rather wait until I'm down one more size before buying more clothes.

Training has been monotonous at best. We're supposed to be learning about the different courses that we offer - from a sales person's perspective. We don't need to learn the technical stuff (yet). Just overviews and knowing what sort of applications and who would typically be the users. But nooooo. He's going over stuff that has me completely clueless. Translation: I'm going to have to spend part of my weekend in the office researching them from the actual product websites to try to make sense of it. And the 'database' with previous clients, previous prospects and those that had inquired via the web - you can't tell the difference in there. I sent out a mass email to approx 1500 contacts in my territory, introducing myself and sharing some info about new versions coming out. Over 750 were bounced back for bad addresses. Now I have to print all those out and go back into the database, delete those addresses and try to find some new contact information. Fun fun. Part of me is just wanting to get the hell out of training and make some calls, but I don't have an effing clue about the products. I can only bullshit so much. I'm a great salesperson BUT I have to have confidence in my products. Esp when I'm talking to techies. (sigh)

And my new desk seems lonely - I have some pictures of friends and a plant (would like to get a 2nd one). The president and vp of the company both have large aquariums in their offices. So I figure a Beta would be a nice addition to my desk. Petco is running a sale. I can get a Beta and a bowl with food for $5. Although I'd like to get two fish and name them Oz and Gracie - after my favorite sea otters at the zoo. Can't get two Betas. Maybe I'll check out other fish...

Turns out I an 58 mins short of hitting 300 hours of service at the fish tank. So I'm going in on Sunday for two hours. I'm going to go in early before the place opens so that I can take some pictures - the water is clearer in the morning before all the fish food and poop. I'd like to use the pics for Xmas cards.

Had dinner last night with a friend in town. Was night to catch up with him. He said he's happy to see me 'in work mode'. (He's a VIP person at ADP and will try to hook me up with his local contacts as well as at Cox and Porsche)

My therapist called me yesterday to check on how work is going. She's really concerned that I'm going to overdue it and crash and get depressed again. I haven't told my manager yet that I'm going to need to leave early on Tuesdays for counseling. Figured I'd tell him that it's a "Major Crime Victims Support Group". What's he going to say about that? LOL  He's said he's not a time-watcher as long as we get our work done. I already proactively sent him a list of my weekly goals. Some things he had mentioned as expectations as a team - my expectations were more than double his. (Like instead of just working the chaos of the database, focusing on larger companies that I have previous experience with - you know, the 'big boys')

It's 'jeans' day at work. I don't have any jeans. (Well, that fit.) The boss keeps telling me that dress is 'business casual' every day. I'm not really a business casual kind of girl. It's nice to get gussied up. And I've actually been having remotely good hair days to boot.

I haven't been to the gym in weeks. It's quite a hike from the new job. I think I'm going to do a 2 week membership at the gym around the corner from work just to see how I do with activity on top of working. Sitting around in a chair all day drives me bonkers. Plus it's too darn quiet in there. I need to get a decent small radio/cd player so I can have some noise. No one's cubicle is next to mine, so there shouldn't be any bleeding over noise.

PS the boss mentioned the holiday party. Ugh. Have I mentioned how much I hate doing company social events???? I like to keep my professional life IN the office and my social life private.

Have a great weekend folks.

In training today, we were covering various styles of technology used on websites. (It was not adequately covering things to help someone such as moi, a salesperson, understand and what sort of info/questions would be good to cover with prospects.)

However, that's not what upset me.
Seriously.
So much so that I was ready to walk out of the room.

The training dude was talking about exceptional sites. One in particular. It's actually the (very well known) company that Todd (aka the guy who drugged and raped me) worked for. So then he brings up the site on these huge screens all over the training room. I just sunk into my chair and stayed quiet. Didn't even look at the site.

It's not like I can explain to the boss why I behaved that way. It just sort of sat over me like a dark cloud the rest of the afternoon. All I wanted to do was escape. I wonder if there will be a day where stupid little 'reminders' like that won't even phase me. It seemed so innocuous.

There's more developing in relation to the situation, but I cannot elaborate at this time...

Otherwise, I'm doing ok. Had dinner with a dear friend that was in town. Had a great hair day. All those things are good.

Upside of the job, my commute time is 4 mins. (Most of my coworkers take an hour to drive in.) Training is dreadfully boring. Partially because we are dialing in remotely as we're in a training classroom and it takes FOREVER for relevant pages to come up.

The boss likes to work 9:30 - 6ish. (Keeps saying he's always in the office at 9am and works until 8pm but I've yet to see him depart like that). I will be getting in there much earlier - say 7:30 so I can get work done in peace and get out of their early (for my counseling appt).

Still sick. Now moved to a sinus-y sort of dilemma. I think green snot means you've got 72 hours to live...

Cannot access anything of a personal nature online at the office... Not that we can't but my boss made it clear that ALL of our internet and email access is recorded. Can you say Big Brother?

BTW, I came up with a new radio code to use at the fish tank.

We have codes for missing children (Code 56), disturbed individuals (Code 80),
Need for 'environmental services' (translation: some kid peed or barfed in the play area) - that's a "Code Yellow". (also used when we ourselves have gotta go potty)

New code:
When a really hot guy is headed your way...
"Diva, we have a CODE YUM at the sea lions!"

Short post.

Sleeping problems continue.
Did not sleep at all last night.
Camomille tea.
Tossing turning.
Snooze buttoning hoping to fall asleep.
Zombified.

Counseling went ok despite being zonked.
No word from the mom.
Recounted the drama from Sunday.
Counselor is really concerned about me starting 'the job'.
Thinks I'm going to overdo it and get depressed.
(me? overdo it? - laughing hysterically!)
Explained that I have no choice. I'm broke and I can 'push thru' it for a while.
Until I crash physically.

Headache from hell.
Popped some Ambien.
Start work tomorrow.

Sitting on the phone with "the mother" right now. Actually, I just hung up because I'm totally fed up with her.

Family counseling. I've always had my doubts about my mother's genuine willingness to participate. Actions have been a lot more telling than words. When my individual therapist suggested our participation in the family counseling program back in the summer, she told me that they wouldn't have space in the program until the fall and to call the first week in October to get on the schedule.

I did so and they offered an appt the following week. I said it worked for me, but I'd have to check with the mother.

I called her and the first comment she had out of her mouth was something along the lines of "Well, it took them long enough to get back with you." (Negative comment #1)  I reminded her that in actuality, they had been upfront about when there would be space for us in the program.

She then declined the appt because it was short notice and she said she couldn't. She was having a painter over to give an estimate. It was an overly emphatic no if you get my drift. (Still not any sign of remote interest in participating from my perspective.) 

Fine. I asked if the following week at the same time would be ok with her.

She complained that it was downtown and traffic would be bad at that time in the afternoon. She'd take the train into town.

I suggested that she come down early and I'd give her a tour of the aquarium since she had never been there. If she wanted to take the train, fine, I'd drive her home after the family therapy. More hemming and hawing from her about wanting to walk from the station to the aquarium (guarantee of her getting lost). I explained that we would be going in a side entrance and it'd be much easier if I just got her at the station. (Realizing that the idea of the aquarium was potentially a looming nightmare.)

In the interim, my individual therapist discussed the fact that the individual therapy and the family therapy on the same day. I said I preferred it that way - because I was able to schedule some volunteer time at the fish tank as well as counseling and I didn't want to have to drive down another day. However, she misunderstood me, and without clearing it with me, spoke to the family counselor and cancelled my appt with them to be rescheduled. The family therapist left me a vm about it (I was like WTF?) and said that she would confirm the switching of the appt with my mother.

Throw in that over that weekend, the mother and I had a serious 45min throwdown over the phone (much like the one today).

I took the family therapist at her word that she'd touch base with my mother to cancel. She didn't. Monday the mother called me confirming the logistics of the aquarium day, etc. Me telling her that it was off, well, didn't exactly improve her esteem of the program.

The appt was rescheduled for the 30th of October and the family therapist said (again) that she'd confirm with my mother the appt. I said that was a good idea because we had not been on the best of terms and I thought it was best that we limit our interactions for the time being because every time we spoke, it was the same thing over and over again. And it wasn't pretty.

The mother called this morning. She informed me that 'some woman' called her about the counseling. Barrage of negative comments about her, subtle little digs left and right (something I'm quite familiar with on the receiving end of). The individuals doing the family counseling are post-doctorate candidates. My mother complained about 'them being just anyone, them knowing who she is and being about the "track her down" and not taking the hippocratic oath'.

I had enough. I interrupted her and told her point-blank that I had serious doubts about her willingness to participate in the family counseling. Every comment she had made about it was either negative or not positive. (Which she denied saying she had been totally cooperative about things.)  She could call the woman (I used her name) back and commit to an appointment time and show up or not. It was her choice but this was the last hope for any future relationship, that there wasn't anything else to say.

She kept trying to claim that she wasn't being negative. (Again, this is the woman who said if she would have sued the person who had cut my hair and then said that it wasn't a negative comment.)

I told her she was welcome to schedule the appt and they would contact me about it,
or not, it was her choice.

This is the ubiquitous fork in the road. She has the choice to grab this last ditch opportunity to salvage our relationship or not. It hinges on her. She may surprise me and reschedule it. It may not work, she may not even geuinely be capable of embracing a therapeutic process. I have doubts about her ability to be even the tiniest bit open-minded about it.

If she doesn't move forward with the family therapy, I'm going to sever ties completely. It won't be easy and I hate the fact that things have come to this point, but I have exhausted every possible alternative. I've gone months without speaking to her, I've written letters, I've attended individual therapy with the sole purpose of coming up with methods to interact with her in different ways, I've altered my own behavior with her and created more and more restrictive boundaries to protect myself and also hope to enlighten her with her behavior. (ie, I'll say no to something she suggests, and she'll continue to push the topic. My response is to say "for the second time, no." Then "As I've said now three times, my answer is no and there is no point in discussing the issue further." Finally, I'll say "Since you haven't respected my previous three answers, I'm hanging up now" <click>)

I hate the fact that the reality of potentially having no contact with my mother or my father (going on most of my life since I was 13) really sucks. My father wants nothing to do with me, he has his new 'family' now. (I've recognized that he doesn't have the ability to be a father figure and as a person, he's not someone I'd want to have in my life otherwise.)  Makes me teary-eyed thinking about it. Sometimes it really sucks to be an only child, not to have the comraderie of siblings to diffuse the situation.

I'm blessed with some great friends and fortunately, I'm in a much better frame of mind to make decisions more objectively. I have counseling tomorrow afternoon - I figure we'll have something to talk about. LOL

*** Ironically Mr. Starbucks just called - I didn't answer because I am rather sniffle-y while writing this. He was returning my call because I had accidentally dialed his number instead of someone else in my phone book yesterday and didn't want to just hang up, so I left a message saying hi.  He was rather chatty in the VM - the 5+ min message was 95% about his son in college having some apartment problems - although he mad e a rather half-hearted mention about not knowing what his schedule was like for the next couple of weeks...

I have a point to made. Bu I'm too tired. I *wish* I was drunk. Alas, just tired.Conversations at the "chichi" events at the fish tank are very enjoyable. LOTS of drunk people. The dress (some good, some "what the hell were you thinking?" and a couple that welll, no descriotion to do them fair.

Talkd to a guy for a while in the husbandry staff - he's one of the vets. Really dug our convos. Could really get on his examining table. somet ime. I could be a bad kitty right? lol

Reality is, that I probably won't ever see him around the halls.

Saw lots a local celebs. I was in "The Main Gallery" with The $Donars of the place sitting 3 feet away from me, with the head of Guest services within ear range as well as I'm talking about sharks, rays, etv. Was hoping I didn't get anything wrong on it.

 I swallowed 5 ambien and a handful of Aleve for the major cramps I have approaching. My goal is to sleep soundly thru the night. I need a new heating pad. Mine's dead. My brain has the consistentcy of an over-cooked brussel sprout.

And by teh way, I think Brussel Sprouts are GREATLY underrated asa veggie.

Think the drugs are kickin' in. Wishing Producerboy, my long-distanve best buddiy in the world, a super-deper brithday even if it mean we didn't do the bike rendezovous thing. I thing our encounter shouls be in a park without distraction but plent y of people watching and then move into a cool coffee bar to continue our ramblings and laughter and "OH SHIT!' Your comments to me meant SO much to me -literally brings tears to my eyes - and not because I'm crying in laughter. You know what I mean.

And with that, my chief feline officer, whisker sargaent Lulu is telling me it's time to go to bed.
(Shes quite insistent!)

Sweet dreasm

 **** Sunday a.m.
Laughing hysterically.

Job offer. Want me to start Monday.
No clue how I'm going to be able to do it but I need money.

Dr's appt yesterday was actually worthwhile. Did a lot of assessing of my memory and said there were clear 'encephalactic' episodes of memory lapses. Doing some lab work to test for some things that are 'extremely rare and exotic' but wants to rule out.

I'll be doing my last shifts at the fish tank for a while this weekend... Plus I need to clean my house, organize my life, get some food in the house and catch up on a mammoth 'to do' list.

And no, I haven't heard anything back from Starbucks guy. Although Hot Stud called last night... 

(Finally) got together over coffee this morning with the guy I was getting really frustrated about. He's nice and seems to be quite genuine. Enjoyed the conversation, things flowed nicely and he was a total gentleman. From initial vibes, I could really dig this dude...

However, I get the impression that he's waaaaay too busy for anyone in his life. Said he was going to be out of town most of the next 3 weeks. (Now maybe he's just too busy to spend time with me or that's his schedule.)

But I don't want to put too much effort into someone that isn't around much, ya know?
So we'll just have to wait and see.

 *** Update...
He sent me an email thanking me for my time. No mention of another get together. The (really short) email felt really abrupt. Guess that sums it up. I believe that I'm going to reconsider the nunnery. Oh wait, I'm already living the life of the nun except for the polyester nun's habit...

I'm supposed to volunteer at  the fish tank today for 8 hours. Busiest day of the week. Ends up not being informative but more crowd control.

Not to mention I'm supposed to be meeting that dude (finally) this morning.

Only problem is that the only noise I can make is high-pitched squeaking.
I feel fine otherwise, I've just lost my voice from hollering so much over crowds yesterday.

Lovely.
I called the dude aforementioned that is the boss of the folks working on the floor to tell him that it might be better to switch me to one of the quieter galleries so that I don't have to squeak as much. He didn't sound very sympathetic. I'm a f'ing volunteer. I *could* choose not to come in at all but noooooooooo.

So if you happen to call me today, I'm not doing an impression of our Belugas (aka "Canaries of the Sea"), it's me. And if you call me squeaky, I'm hanging up on your ass.

Supposed to be meeting that dude that has been too busy to return calls blah blah blah for coffee tomorrow morning before I head into the fish tank. (Lovely - in my fish tank uniform which is SO flattering!)

I had a 2nd interview with a job that I would take if they offered it to me. And I was interviewed today for the same position I'm volunteering for at the fish tank. But they want me to commit to waaay more hours than I'm willing to. And I get a vibe from the top guy over the floor gallery that he doesn't like me although the rest of his team really seem to like me. (You know one of those types that is hard to click with?) They said they'd have to 'review other candidates and get back with me'. If they don't at least extend the offer to me, I'll be MAJORLY insulted considering I'm volunteering more and know more than most of the regular floor staff. (But I probably won't take it b/c of the hours).

I'm famished but too tired to eat. I'm feeling rather blase about things. In my flannel jammieso n a Friday night and heading to bed.

What a wild life I lead.

Fish tank wants me to officially interview for a position tomorrow. I have another job interview tomorrow - one that is a 9-5 sort of thing that I couldn't keep up for very long. My intention is to land the 9-5 job for a while, until I burn out and make some serious cash reserves and then take the position with the fish tank - which will only be part time (translation: no benefits- which I desperately need). It's not the position I want - but it's a step on the rung. I can continue to dazzle them with my knowledge and great people skills and hopefully move up.

I'm at a disadvantage when it comes to the other folks that have the positions that I want because they have marine biology degrees and/or teaching backgrounds. I'm not in a position to go back to school for that, but I want to see if I can find some books to do some intense reading on it so I can discuss caudal peduncles (or whatever the hell they are called).

They are desperate for divers but I haven't heard anything back from them (which is ok with me) I don't have the $500 to pay for the medical exam (no guarantee that I'll pass it). Then I have to swim 400 meters in 8 minutes and swim the length of the pool underwater w/o coming up for air. Did I mention I hate swimming in pools? I always seem to get ear infections. I'd love to dive, but the money issue is my biggest hurdle right now. I think I can pass the medical exam - my symptoms don't show up on typical tests unless they are specifically looking for autoimmune issues.

Was supposed to get together with Mr. I gave up on him yesterday -  he called several times but I had fallen asleep - well, not really asleep, but my eyes were totally red - like something out of a horror movie. The only way they felt half-way decent was when I kept them shut. I left him a message early this am telling him I had space for lunch today if he wanted to, otherwise I was heading into the fish tank. Extra hours. I figure I have no one else that is even remotely intriguing, so I'll toy with him a bit and see what happens.

On target to hit my goal of 300 hours by next week. There's a HUGE event awarding volunteers next month - and I want to raise the bar and get noticed (again, thinking about that job I want). So I'm pushing myself (too hard) volunteering the hours I am. It's funny b/c most of the staff think I already work there.  

Hot Stud called last night. He was typing away online while we were talking. Annoyed me. He said he was shopping online for a new laptop. I said that I'd let him get back to his laptop shopping (although he was the one who called me). Then he totally changed directions and said that I should come over.

It was after 10pm. I had already told him I was exhausted, in my flannel jammies and had to be at the fish tank at 8am.

I've been trying to transition our 'relationship' to more of a platonic one by suggesting we get together for coffee or show him the fish tank. He's made some more suggestive comments that I've just ignored, hoping he'd get the picture.

Apparently, this strategy isn't working by last night's 'veiled' booty call.

Hot Stud (in addition to being hot) is a nice guy. Someone that I'd like to have in my stable as a friend. He asked if I was involved with anyone and I said no, that I'd dated some but no one that was really captivating - that I hadn't even kissed anyone (since him).  That I wasn't interested in something less.

He ignored that comment.

Rather ironic?

Doctor's appt (that my mother accompanied me on). I don't even recall agreeing to let her come along, but apparently we had a conversation when I was out of it last Friday and she invited herself. My BP yesterday was 100/55 (average for me). Today, 125/75.

Commentary from her included...
* What happened to your hair?
"I got it cut about six weeks ago. It's too short and horrible, I know."
 
Looks from her of total digust at my hair. My deliberate short answer thought it would kill it. But no.

* Did they use a razor or a dull scissors?
" I have expressed my dissatisfaction to the salon owners. There's not much I can do but let it grow."

* If I were you, I'd sue them for what they did.
"Mother, I know my hair looks like shit. I do not need you continually bringing it up." 

Then in the office with the doctor. I'm talking to the doctor and she interrupts me saying that I've been bleeding for two weeks since my colposcopy.

I look at her and tell her that it isn't correct. Doctor intercedes and says "Mom, let HER tell me about HER symptoms."

Later the mother goes on about how I was bleeding for 2 weeks. I gently tell her that I only had the procedure two weeks ago today and I'm quite sure that I only had bleeding for 2 days.

The mother kept going on about how the service sucks here and that they should be doing more for me, blah blah blah. 

Doctor tried to pacify her but told her exactly what I've said all along - that there's limited services available.

But I did get my flu shot. *I think a tranquilizer might have been better.

The guy I've been speaking with (and speculating about getting together for a date) called last night. I was already in my flannel jammies in bed with a book and some herbal tea when he called (at 9pm). Talked for a little bit, told him I had been under the weather, blah blah blah. He's leaving to go out of town to his 'other' house in Florida on Friday but he'd really like to get together tonight (Wednesday).

But the Lost season premiere is tonight. (Seriously, that was my first thought!)

I was still feeling pretty crappy yesterday so he suggested I touch base with him this afternoon and we'd go from there. He said he could tell that although I was trying to sound upbeat, he could hear that I wasn't feeling great and to get some sleep. (That was nice)

Although, when he was talking about his house in Florida, he said "we" several times in reference to selling it. He's been divorced for quite some time. (Just being aware...)

Have a dr's appt this afternoon, so we'll see how I'm feeling afterwards (and if I want to miss Lost). I might need someone to tape it for me!

I need a vacation of prolific proportions. Stat. Warm. Tropical. Trashy books and coconut-scented sunlotion and big floppy hats. Preferably with a (hot straight) cabana boy that will give me a massage. *and if he whispers sweet nothings in my ear in spanish, muy caliente!

Not that anyone is going to see them, but I also need to wax my legs.

There was a girl I used to work with - we weren't 'friends' but 'acquaintances'. We'd do lunch with others in our circle. She quit working and did the mommy thing and we'd get together once or twice a year to catch up and she'd share pics of the kids, yada yada yada.

I haven't spoken to her in at least 18 months. I've left a couple of messages for her, just checking in on how she's doing, but never heard back.

She sent me a broadcast email about a month ago announcing she was starting a part-time business doing children's photography. I replied back that I thought it was an awesome thing to do for her and we should get together some time and catch up.

Not a peep back.

Until this afternoon....

She emailed me saying she had heard thru a friend of a friend that I was working at the fish tank and if I could get them free tickets.

No I can't. And even if I could, I wouldn't. I utterly hate shit like that.

Came home from the fish tank Friday around 8:30. Went to bed. Woke up really late Saturday - 9ish. Made that chili I've been craving. Crashed on the sofa to watch a movie at 1pm. Woke up at 8pm, totally disoriented, didn't know what day it was. Went to bed. Woke up at 10am this morning (a record for me). Had some chili around noon and sat down to watch the Falcons. Never saw it. Fell asleep. Woke up around 6pm. Still feel exhausted. I've had a 'bout with insomnia over the past few weeks and I guess my bod is finally giving in. 

Accomplished utterly nothing this weekend, unless you count making the chili - which is good, but something is missing from it and I can't decide what it is.

I'm going back to bed. I need all the beauty sleep I can get. Maybe the lawn fairies will mow my yard while I'm sleeping. And if they could clean the house too, that'd rock. And if they could leave next month's mortgage payment under my pillow, that'd be stupendous.

Back to reality. I love my flannel jammies. :)