Blog For Free!
Archives
Home
2009 November
2009 September
2009 August
2009 July
2009 June
2009 May
2009 April
2009 March
2009 February
2009 January
2008 December
2008 November
2008 October
2008 September
2008 August
2008 July
2008 June
2008 May
2008 April
2008 March
2008 February
2008 January
2007 December
2007 November
2007 October
2007 September
2007 August
2007 July
2007 June
2007 May
2007 April
2007 March
2007 January
2006 December
2006 November
2006 October
2006 September
2006 August
2006 July
2006 June
2006 May
2006 April
2006 March
2006 February
2006 January
2005 December
2005 November
2005 October
2005 September
2005 August
2005 July
2005 June
2005 May
2005 April
2005 March
2005 February
2005 January
2004 December
2004 November
2004 October
2004 September
2004 August
2004 July
2004 June
2004 May
2004 April
My Links
Scuba Diving Pics
Pussy Pics
My Bush
My new pal Dan The Music Man's site
Scuba Diving Mag
Info on Breast Reductions
The Fair Tax
tBlog
My Profile
Send tMail
My tFriends
My Images
Sponsored
Blog
| Fuck Fuck Fuck |
| 12.22.05 (11:18 am) [edit] |
|
I've written how this has been the utterly worst year of my life. I was beginning to have a little hope - with the dates with "P" and feeling a little more like myself. Then out of the blue, yesterday, I get some news that I was not expecting. It's bad. Worse than bad. I've not shed a single tear about the rape. Since yesterday, I haven't been able to stop crying. I've reached out like I should to my friends and they've been stellar - but I'm in a place where I'm unreachable. Feel 100% completely hopeless. I can't rebound from this. Every time I think I am just coming up for air, turning a corner, things get worse. And fuck. My mother just drove up to my home. Unannounced. Uninvited. Would a restraining order for Xmas be too much to ask for? |
| Joy Joy Joy |
| 12.21.05 (7:32 am) [edit] |
|
I had the joy of receiving a Christmas card from my father yesterday. He fucking misspelled my name. I'm his only child - you'd think he'd be able to get it right, wouldn't you? Going to the dr. I think I have the flu - 101 fever, chills, my body aches like motha, head feels like it's going to implode. On the upside, I have had zero appetite for days... (Always the optimist) Everyone please wash your hands after reading this posting, I don't want to spread germs. |
| Can't deal |
| 12.20.05 (11:05 am) [edit] |
|
Have felt like ca-ca for several days now. So f'ing fed up with the medical system. Have spent most of the past four days curled up in a fetal position. I have a 'case worker' to help with the medical maze, and I was hopeful that she could actually get some stuff done. But nope. And joy of joys, had a 20 min conversation with the mother. I called to ask a favor - a simple request, but clearly she can't even f'ing do that without wanting to completely over-run everything. So I said thank you but forget it and hung up. She keeps calling back. And I just can't deal with it. I want to curl up in the back of my closet and hide from the world until someone with a magic wand can fix me. |
| Toying with him |
| 12.19.05 (6:53 am) [edit] |
| Had another date yesterday. Nice guy - maybe too nice. Much better conversation in person than via phone. I felt like a cat toying with a cornered mouse. Gotta get going but I'll update with details later. I was sorta evil. Well, not really. But maybe. |
| My date |
| 12.16.05 (10:09 pm) [edit] |
|
Well... "P's" gone. He was supposed to be here between 7-7:30 which became 8pm because of work. Which became 9pm and he asked me to order in some chinese. There's no doubt he's a beautiful and sexy man. And he's really quite thoughtful and sensitive. But I just wasn't really feeling it tonight. Maybe it was because he was stressed or maybe I was tired - at 9pm, I was ready to crash... He did love the dessert. Inhaled it. I'm going to bed... I have another date tomorrow. |
| Not a good start to the day |
| 12.16.05 (9:21 am) [edit] |
|
I had an appt with 'the ankle doctor' this morning at 8:30. Follow-up from the MRI in August. Twenty-minute drive took over 90 minutes. I left at 7am just to make sure I got there in time. Black ice all over the place so we were moving at the break-neck speed of 13mph. I pay for parking $5. I walk the several blocks in the cold to the clinic. Sign in. Wait an hour. Get called back when I'm advised the ankle doctor isn't in today and they don't know why they scheduled me. He's on vacation until the 2nd week of January, but don't worry, they won't charge me for the visit. And then the drive home took another hour. Finally got up to 55mph - there were still icy patches. And I was tailgated by an 18wheeler blowing his horn and flashing his lights for almost a mile (he could move over into either lane beside me but chose to stay on my ass), then he cut in front of me and cut me off - I had to slam on my brakes to avoid getting hit by him. So I speed up to get his carrier info - he's going 74mph - and he takes both hands off the wheel making obscene gestures and mouthing "Fuck You". I drop back and call his employer's dispatch. Gave them all the information. This driver's ass is toast. Now off to start cooking my dessert for "P". Wish me luck. Decided that I am ok with him coming over for dinner tonight. Going casual - jeans. As IrishRed said, keep it casual. Not going to do candles or anything like that to create a 'mood'. I'll update ya'll tomorrow on how it goes. :) |
| Dating Dilemmas |
| 12.15.05 (8:57 am) [edit] |
|
"P" emailed me this morning suggesting he pick up some food and come over to my place tomorrow night. I think I'm going to counter with we do dinner somewhere and perhaps come back to my place afterwards for dessert. My gut instinct with a guy wanting to come over to my place on a 2nd date would be "WARNING! WARNING!" but he's been very clear that he wants to take things slow. An alternate perspective would be that he's aware that I'm still rather jumpy and that being on my own turf would make me more comfortable. I know that not every guy is out for just a piece of ass - my intuition says that he's sincere - he's given me utterly no reason to doubt him, not to mention I find him utterly dreamy. ***Guys: your feedback on this? Thus presents a second dilemma... He's a MAJOR chocoholic - and I can't stand the stuff and I'm not a baker... I think he said he liked Tiramasu. Should I make something? Can I make Tiramasu tonight - will it be ok tomorrow? And the third dilemma... What to wear! Traditionally, on a 2nd date out, I'd show some leg... But coming over to my house - don't want to give off the wrong signal. Not to mention I'd have to clean the house. Ugh... |
| Jen The Bipolar Stripper |
| 12.14.05 (9:49 am) [edit] |
|
Jen the bipolar stripper called me this morning and left a 4 minute rambling message. She's been calling me 4-5x a day with her number blocked for over a month without leaving a message. She said she was back in Florida (Translation: stripping again and probably back with her sociopathic husband). She sounded completely manic. She said she was tired of me not returning her calls. (Uh, she went 6 months not returning my calls without explanation - I provided her with a detailed explanation of why I desired no further contact last year. I sent her a note 3 weeks ago, reiterating that I wished her well but I had no desire for further contact with her.) She said she was 'tired of all this bullshit', that I 'shouldn't hold a grudge', that she 'guesses' I 'have all the friends' I need. I don't hold a grudge. I forgave her. But that does not mean I'm going to invite her back into my life. |
| Updates |
| 12.14.05 (8:23 am) [edit] |
|
* I sent my married friend an email yesterday saying that I was really hurt by his chewing me out last week for sending a Christmas card. He replied back with a sincere apology. Case closed. * "P" called last night but I had gone to bed early and turned the ringer off. * Spoke to the mother last night. (Always drama-filled) She said she wanted to spend 2 hours with me for Xmas. So I need to research how much Klonopin I can take without overdosing. Anyone know? * I haven't heard squat back from the police or the District Attorney. Am I surprised? Nope. Wondering if I should stay on their asses or not. * I'm going back to that parking deck this afternoon - where the Yukon parked in the compact car parking space next to me. Reminding myself to get some gum before I head over there. (Will you guys donate to a fund to bail me out if I get busted?) * I have come up with a mantra for myself to try to keep calm, positive, focused and open... "Embrace the possibility". *This is the time of year that I start getting really introspective. It's been a REALLY rough year from me. (Getting teary-eyed just thinking about it) I'm looking forward to putting it behind me. But just like everything, I like to take away something positive and lessons learned. So I'm doing a lot of thinking about what I've learned this year. |
| Back to the Gym |
| 12.13.05 (10:06 am) [edit] |
|
Haven't given you guys an update of my observations and experiences at the gym lately... First of all, there is TIGER GIRL... I see this person walking toward me (long hallway). First I thought it was a guy - 1 inch buzz-cut hair. Those things in the ears that stretch them - look sort of like spools of thread. Ring thru nose that makes it look like a doorknocker. Hoop thru lower lip. I thought 'he' was wearing a long-sleeve shirt, but I soon realize it's a t-shirt with sleeves cut off. "He" is actually a "she" and has tattoos of tiger stripes all the way down to her wrists. Tiger Girl gets on a piece of equipment next to me - she has that sort of angry-looking demeanor that would kick your ass into next week if you even looked her way. "She" is wearing leggings, but as she is doing the exercise, they ride up a bit, and it turns out she has tiger stripes on her legs too! Oh. My. God. (I wonder if she had fantasies about Tony the Tiger growing up???)This woman really scared me. Then there was "creepy guy". The circuit-training area of the gym has like 30 different pieces of equipment. The area was practically empty - maybe 4 people in it including yours truly. This guy, early-50's, kept standing behind me while I was doing the hip abduction exercise (consists of me sitting in chair spreading legs against weights...) When I was done with my first set, I started to get up to let him use it - he said "no, that's okay - you can continue to use it". Ewwwwwwww.... Finally, there's was Mr. Granimal. Actually pretty-decent looking guy. I'd say late 20's. Talking really loud about how he's training for the Iron Man (riiiiight...) And, (shockingly) he's a groaner too - I felt like I was listening to a porn flick. (Oh yeah! Oh! Oh! Grunt grunt grunt) He's in an orange t-shirt, orange baseball cap, gray shorts and MATCHING ORANGE socks. What came to mind is - no gay man would be caught dead in this ensemble, so did his mother pick out this outfit??? |
| Quivering Indicators |
| 12.12.05 (7:35 am) [edit] |
|
In case you didn't catch the updated, "P" the Wonderstud from my date Friday night, called Saturday to say he had a great time and wanted to know if I was free Friday night. And he sent me a couple of pictures. (No, not of his equipment) But oh my!!!! Yummy. Yummy. Yummy. Suddenly there are quivering indicators that my mojo is making a comeback. |
| Date Update |
| 12.10.05 (8:44 am) [edit] |
|
After having my 'friend' make those really mean comments prior to my date, I wasn't really enthused about my evening. Still, I got all girlified up and was having a good hair moment. Got to the bar/restaurant at 7:35. Wonderful cozy place that has lots of sofas, amazing artwork and a dj mixing some really cool tunes. I grab a sofa and wait. He calls at 7:45, he apologizes profusely that he was stuck in traffic due to some sports event in Midtown. (I was irked) He tells me to go ahead and order a drink and he'll make it up to me. (Yeah, right) So I order a green tea and sit back and do some people watching. I laugh at the smokers who will go out in 15 degree windchill weather to smoke a nasty cancer stick. "Paul" shows up. (Can we say eyecandy?) He's grinning. He sits down beside me and we start talking. I realize that I have met him before at a business function a few years ago. He tells me the picture I sent him didn't do me justice. (I take the compliment with a grain of salt.) TOTAL gentleman. Ordered for me. He doesn't drink at all. Doesn't mind if I do (but I stick to my green tea). Conversation flowed. There was some chemistry. He even asked when we'd have our next date. He wanted to know all about the "T" situation and volunteered to kick his ass for me. (Sweet, but no thanks) He said that he understood that I was still in a vulnerable place and that he'd like to get to know me further - he was patient and a good guy. Then he picks up his phone and calls someone. (I'm sitting there thinking "WTF?") Then he hands me the phone and says "This is Leah, I used to date her - talk to her" Leah tells me he's an amazing guy and very respectful and gentlemanly. (That's a first - I had made a joke about references) He gave me a wonderful hand massage - his hands were magical. Touched my hair/face some. I was enjoying the touch. The couple facing us about 8 ft away were practically dry-humping and we were laughing about it. He said that he's an amateur photographer and he'd love to take some pics of me sometime. (Rolling eyes, we'll see about that...) He is a chocoholic and just about fainted when I told him I hate chocolate. He has a major sweet tooth (but it doesn't show on those washboard abs). He perused the dessert bar and brought back two chocolate desserts - and brought a side of whipped cream for me and fed it to me. (Sweet) Close to midnight, it was time to head home. "Paul" helped me put on my coat, held my arm when we went down the stairs and even opened/shut my car door for me. Kiss on the cheek and a hug. I don't think I could have dreamed up a better-paced evening... Now we'll see how his follow-through is. |
| Some friend... |
| 12.09.05 (3:43 pm) [edit] |
|
So I'm getting ready to go out on a date tonight and I'm talking to one of my guy friends. I was confiding in him that I felt a little antsy about meeting this guy, that I have this paranoid fear that my date is a friend of "T's". (He contacted me from myspace). I know that suspicion is paranoid, and the only way I'm going to deal with it is to confront it head on. So my 'friend' says to me "Now don't go over to his place if he invites you over to look at his floors." (That's what "T" said to get me over to his house to drug and rape me.) I was utterly dumbfounded. He might have had the best of intentions in saying it, but, (pardon my french) What the fuck? I hung up and literally cried. I called someone for support and it was good to hear that she thought he was an ass for saying it too. But I still stood in the shower and cried. I'm still teary when I think about what he said. I seriously thought about cancelling the date. (If I mention it to him, he'll say I am over-reacting and overly sensitive - which is total "T-esque" as well.) Dammit. Now my eyes are puffy. |
| Breaking News... |
| 12.07.05 (4:46 pm) [edit] |
|
Looks like I have a date tomorrow evening. He *seems* nice enough. I admit, he's not someone I'd consider a 'prospect', but I just want to get out some more. At least he has a job (actually owns 2 companies - some sort of corporate massage service and he does restoration on houses from the early 1900's. *I admit that 50% of the reason I said ok was the possibility of a free chair massage. (GASP!) We are meeting at a coffee house, so fret not worrywarts. I'll be armed with my pepper spray and I'll make sure to have TWO designated emergency escape calls set up. For some reason, I'm sure I'll have something entertaining to report. ;) Update: because of the icky cold weather, we've postponed until tomorrow night. (Which is a blessing because it's rainy and my hair is frizzy.) |
| Am I Wrong? (Part Deux) |
| 12.07.05 (11:07 am) [edit] |
|
Something happened yesterday evening that REALLY rubbed me the wrong way... (Backstory) I have a male FRIEND. He is married and lives out of town. He's been a professional mentor and became a trusted friend for 5 years. He is not exactly the most faithful spouse, but that's his business... He was in town last week and we went to the Aquarium and had dinner... Yesterday, he called while I was on another call. As soon as I finished the previous call, I called him back, without listening to his VM. He starts reading me the RIOT act. For what you ask? For sending him a Christmas card to his home. I've sent birthday and holiday cards (and gifts) to him each year. (And I think a couple of other random ones that I thought were cute as thank you's) In the card, I thanked him again for the dinner and how much fun I had at the aquarium. I wished him a happy new year... His wife opened the card (He's out of town on business) and she called him bitching about it. (Apparently he didn't mention I went along with him to the aquarium.) So then he decided to pass along the very negative tone to me as well. I told him that he was welcome for the card. (Uh, he's the one that gave me his address!!!) Then I listened to his vm. Pissed me off even more. His tone and (over)reaction was totally uncalled for. I understand that his marriage isn't exactly picturesque, but that's not my problem. I can assure you that I'll never again mail him anything. So...I'm not exactly feeling the love for him at the moment. Do I confront him about it? Do I wait for him to contact me? Is it wrong for me to tell him I think an apology is in order? |
| Am I Wrong? |
| 12.05.05 (2:12 pm) [edit] |
|
Maybe I'm wrong on this... I come back from an appt this morning in a parking garage. And there is a Yukon parked next to me in a spot marked "Compact Cars Only". Did I mention it also had running boards? And I have a 2door car, so the doors have to open somewhat wide? And that I had to crawl into my car from the passenger side? And had I had chewing gum, I woulda stuck it all in their key hole and under the handle... GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRR Sidenote: I called the DA this afternoon. She said she hadn't heard that I wanted to proceed with the criminal charges from the Detective (shocking, I know) and that she didn't receive my email from last week either... She called back to confirm she received it when I resent it this afternoon. That was the extent of the conversation. (Do I expect any motion anytime soon? Nope) |
| Another Chance? |
| 12.01.05 (6:36 am) [edit] |
|
Something happened yesterday that I've been frantic for. I'm still in a sort of disbelief... I have been friends with someone for a few years. He's someone that I have always respected immensely. The epitome of integrity. I loved him dearly as a friend. Not something that I say about many people. He's one of the first people that I confided in about the rape. He tried to convince me to go to the police. I was confused and dazed. His support was integral to me going to the police and knowing that he'd be there for me. He got all protective on me and it made me feel safer. Normally, we spoke every couple of days. Then in late June, the calls stopped. He didn't return any of my calls. I was concerned. It was so unlike him. I called him as I left the police station - in hysterics - never returned my voicemail. I've continually kept calling him - 3-4x a week sometimes - never getting a return call. I felt like a stalker. I guess I was. I started doubting myself. Wondering what I had done to upset him, to make him turn his back on me. It added to the anxiety that I was going through. I had trusted "T" - thought he was my friend - and he drugged and raped me. And now I thought this other person was someone who was my friend, but without explanation, nothing. The sense of trusting my own judgment was completely blown. I blamed myself completely for something I knew not what I'd done. Yesterday, he called me. I was dumbfounded. I had to pull over. I had left a msg asking him if he would at least cooperate with the Ass't District Atty. He explained that he's been involved with a 'psycho' but 'the sex was great'. There's now a restraining order against her (guess you could say it's over). We talked for a long time. He was acting as if it hadn't been 5 months since we spoke. I wasn't able to laugh at his jokes. I don't understand how he could have not gotten one out of probably 100+ messages I left. (She supposedly deleted the calls when he wasn't aware). Presuming that is true, my question to him is still - you knew I had been raped and was struggling - did it not occur to you once to call me? It's a relief to know that it wasn't me - that it wasn't something I had done. This has caused me so much torment. I'm disappointed in him. If he can ignore me for a piece of ass, what sort of friendship did we really have? Should I give him another chance? |
by Redonthehead