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| Three Things |
| 10.29.05 (7:09 pm) [edit] |
|
1) I bought a money tree. I don't exactly understand how the tree knows which bank account to deposit it in. Can someone please explain this to me? 2) Not sleeping. My mind won't shut up. Between the aforementioned invisible friend and my confusion about how to proceed with the legal stuff against "T" - I'm a wreck. Heart racing... The dr. gave me chill pills (aka Klonopin) to take for them - but I don't want to become dependent on them. I've tried exercising, deep breathing, bubble baths, organizing my shoes (it calms me), reading, writing in my real journal... But every night it's the same thing over and over again. I worry about what I've done to alienate some friends and what I can do to correct it, should I proceed with criminal charges or am I biting off more than I can deal with stresswise? I worry about "T" lashing out at me - I'm having nightmares that he's going to come after me. And I feel conflicted - but that's a whole 'nother saga. 3)The new therapist I saw told me last week that when I speak in any sort of detail about the incident - the drugging and rape - that I become totally unemotional. I'm normally a really animated person but when I refer to it, it's as if I'm talking about picking up dry cleaning and getting my oil changed. She told me that she wanted me to sit down, face-to-face, with a friend that I trusted and felt safe with and tell them the entire course of events. She thinks that it will help unlock all that stuff built up inside me. Problem is, I don't really have anyone here that I can do it with. I'm blessed with some amazing people in my lives, but the people I'm closest to, the people I feel safe with and trust, they are a plane-ride away. 3a) And to me, that's really sad that I don't have any close friends nearby. That gets me misty-eyed. Those that I considered close either aren't the type that would sit for hearing something like that, or they've extricated themselves from my life. (Perhaps for the best) I mourn for those people in my life that I've disappointed and shut out - I put on a really great bravado at times, but behind it is a shell of a person that is confused, scared, and alone. |
| 12 Comments |
| Off My Chest |
| 10.28.05 (8:42 pm) [edit] |
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Some updates. Saw the psychiatrist yesterday that was giving me the antidepressant and told her I quit them by my own 'executive decision'. She was shocked - agreed that if I'm doing better, than by all means no need to medicate me more than I might need. I have a lot of thinking to do. The Asst DA is 'encouraging' me to press criminial charges. I just don't know if I can go through all of that stress. I have enough on my plate right now. Of course, she said these things take a long time (so oh boy! stress for a long time!) I emailed the atty that I've spoken to about the civil action to get her insight. I just don't know what to do. So many questions... I want to make decisions that are best for me in the long run. Yesterday, I saw a couple in their early 30's walking around holding hands, nuzzling, smooching. I miss that. I miss my sport-dating. To have a passionate make-out session sounds divine - but I know that those sort of things tend to lead to 'other' activities. And I know that I'm in no shape or form to deal with any sort of emotional connection. I've emerged from that dark place I've been for months. But I still have major trust issues - and those issues are with trusting myself, my judgment, my instincts. Someone that has been in my life for years and I truly considered one of my dearest friends, someone I leaned on, leaned on me, and confided in right after the rape has disappeared from my life with utterly no explanation since June. Calls and emails have gone unreturned. For months. I've needed him desperately because he was someone I trusted. And this behavior from him is so completely contradictory than the person I thought I knew. This deafening silence hurts - and it makes me doubt myself so much - what did I do? How can I apologize if he won't tell me? How can a 'friend' turn their back on someone crying hysterically after leaving the police station begging for advice? I write this because it's tortured me. It's holding me back from healing. It's so tightly wrapped into the entire "T" situation and, I still miss him terribly. Just wanted to get that off my chest. |
| 7 Comments |
| L I V I D |
| 10.19.05 (8:20 pm) [edit] |
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It takes a lot to get me angry. But today broke the camel's back in regard to my patience... I went down to pick up a copy of the police report. Couldn't find it under the case number the detective had given me. First they searched under the date of the incident. Nothing showed up. Then she asked for the address where the incident occurred (T's house). Nothing showed up. Finally, she pulls it up under my name. I pay $4.00 for some printed out forms. None of the 7 original hand-written pages I filled out in my initial complaint were there... I asked the woman in records about how I can get a copy of the complaint, she said that I'd need to talk to the detective directly. So I start walking in that direction, reading the 'report' as I walk. This report was about as inaccurate as it could possibly be. "T" was listed as a black male. (He's white), the incident was listed as occurring at my house, on 12/1/04 (when it occurred 5/11-12/05). It indicated no weapons or drugs were used. And the kicker: the detectives notes read "Victim stated that she was possibly drugged and raped with out her knowledge by an acquaintance over a year ago." Possibly drugged and raped OVER a year ago??? I asked to speak to the detective. He wasn't available. Nor was his supervisor. I left him a message in writing. And I left a voicemail that was borderline ranting. If I don't hear from him tomorrow morning, I'm calling his supervisor and then Internal Affairs. This is bullshit. No more Ms. Nice Girl. If I get arrested for disrespecting an officer, someone start a fund to bail me outta jail. |
| 7 Comments |
| Is it just me? |
| 10.14.05 (7:36 am) [edit] |
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Gas around Atlanta is around $3/gallon but I found a station that was selling it at $2.61 so I decided to get in line. Tiny station - one pump on either side. About 6 cars waiting in line on either side. So I wait. Make some calls. Then the guy in front of me finally pulls up to the pump. Now there's about 12 cars waiting behind me. When he's done pumping, he leaves his SUV there and goes inside to pay. There are 5 open spots in front of the convenience store. No way I could get access to the pump while he's in there. He comes out with a drink, hotdog and nonchalantly gets in his vehicle and drives off. If I had a Hummer, I would have pushed his ass out of the way. TOTALLY inconsiderate. I hope his hotdog was full of pork-by-products and gave him heartburn. Then I go to the gym. There is a duo that started working out about a month ago. Guessing late40's or older. The type that has spent their lives in bars, smoking 2 packs a day, bleached blong frizzed-out mullet hair. (Translation: Southern white trash) They are disruptive to the entire circuit-training area - yelling to each other across the room. They are more interested in chatting than working out while sitting on the equipment. Last night, one of them decided she had toned herself to a point of wearing something rather ballsy. We are talking a white spandex top and matching short-shorts. Her tanning-bed wrinkled boobs were on the verge of freeing themselves to traumatize the world. Now even the hardbodies that make all of us drool don't wear stuff like that here (and she's WAY past that point in ber life). It's a YMCA - it's a rather conservative place. Public Service Announcement: White spandex is NOT a good thing, especially when you have stuff that jiggles. Friends don't let friends wear spandex to a gym. |
| 4 Comments |
| mmmmmmmmmmmmm |
| 10.14.05 (6:43 am) [edit] |
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I made zucchini bread last night. Why? I don't know - I've never had it. For some reason, it sounded really good. I found a recipe that looked good and started baking. (I admit, I'm not much of a baker - probably because I like to improvise my recipes and that can effect the end result a lot more in baking.) I made it without sugar (used Splenda and applesauce), soaked the raisins in dark rum overnight until they were like puffy marshmallows. Walnuts, lots of cinnamon. Oh, and some zucchini too. Damn, it is goooooooooooooooooooooooo ood. Gotta chop it up into invidual pieces and freeze it before I'm too tempted to eat it all. I'm feeling MUCH better depression-wise. Unbelievable how stopping the antidepressant has made such a difference. Still feel like mush physically, but this is progress. |
| 4 Comments |
| Nightmare |
| 10.12.05 (8:52 am) [edit] |
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Last night I had a nightmare that had me awaken with my heart racing and it took a while for me to calm down. I rarely have scary dreams and this one was directly from my fears... In my dream, I was sleeping and heard a noise downstairs. I got up to investigate. Half-way down the stairs, I realized it was "T" - I heard him talking and throwing stuff around. I was concerned about my cats, so I continued down the stairs. It was pitch black but I could hear him throwing stuff around, he was looking for something. He had hurt my cats. Then all of a sudden, I was slammed back against a door and he was in my face, telling me that I shouldn't have gone to the police, in a really psychotic sort of threatening tone. I told him that I had already called the police (I hadn't). In one version, I had my pepper spray and sprayed it in his mouth, in another version, my arms were pinned and I couldn't get it up, and in the final version, he used it on me. Then I was awakened at that point by the phone but it took a long time before I was able to relax. "T" has a bad temper and I do have concerns about him acting out. I don't think he'd be so stupid to do anything, but then again, I didn't think he'd do what he did to me either. |
| 14 Comments |
| Hallelujah |
| 10.10.05 (8:23 am) [edit] |
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Talked to the detective again this morning. He started off telling me that he re-read my complaint, blah blah blah, and he had not been able to locate another phone number for "Mr. T" (first time he hasn't referred to him as 'the gentleman' which always made my stomach roll). I asked again why someone couldn't send "T" a note requesting he contact the detective. He said that he had a caseload (and overdramatized it a lot), that it was a matter of priority. I pushed the issue - telling him that I have another appt with the neurologist today, the stroke I had, etc. That advising "T" of the complaint filed might just make him think twice about it and not do it to another woman. When I mentioned the stroke, that caught his attention. (Which was mentioned in the complaint I filed that he had supposedly just re-read.) Gave more details about it. He asked a lot of questions. I reiterated that I had the IM conversation we had immediately before I went over to his place - that the tone was clear - that I was merely heading over there to see his floors and there were no sexual overtones at all. He said that he would be going to his house today and advise me of the developments. Halle-frickin-lujah ***Update*** He called me back an hour later to confirm the cross street and said he was heading over there. |
| 4 Comments |
| Pseudo-date recap |
| 10.09.05 (9:13 am) [edit] |
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I actually went out last night on a semi-social occasion with a man. (Translation: I did my hair, wore make-up and heels but it was not a date.) "Dustin" and I were going to go see a movie but we could not find a SINGLE movie that we could agree on. (I am not kidding.) Not even something that was a mutual compromise. He only likes sci-fi stuff or movies that don't make him think. I *hate* sci-fi stuff and can't stand stupid humor. He loves chicken wings so we were going to go to a friend's wing joint last night. It won "best jerk wings" in Atlanta at the festival I helped produce in April. I called the friend to see if he was going to be there - he told me he had opened a full-blown restaurant next door and to go there instead. "Dustin" was apprehensive about going because he has issues with valet parking. (I do too - no one drives my car.) I told him to just drive by the valets and park his own damn car. (It's what I do.) So we meet at the restaurant and were both able to park without a valet confrontation incident. When we got there at 7:45, the place was just about empty. Nice place - South Beach theme. We have a seat and order drinks. The owner/friend suggested we order the appetizer sampler. So we do. Comes back piled with jerk wings, calamari, chicken egg rolls, shrimp. ("Dustin" has issues with seafood and egg rolls, so he chowed down on the wings and raved about them.) By 8:15, the place is PACKED. We are the only white folks in the place. Everyone else is dressed up in nightclub garb. (Translation: I'm sitting there thinking "What the hell were you thinking hon?" A host of Glamour magazine photo ops with women's eyes blacked out to hide their identity) "Dustin" and I dated briefly but we just don't have a lot in common. He's a sweet guy (kiss of death?), really piercing eyes, thoughtful... (He told me my hair didn't look "that bad" - gee thanks!) We had cleaned our sampler plate and the R&B band was starting to play (a little too loud) so we chatted with the owner/chef/friend and gave glowing reviews. He wanted us to stay for the music, but I was uber-worn out, so we bailed. There was a LINE of folks waiting to get into the place behind a velvet rope. Apparently, I was not aware that this was the new urban hot spot. We were cracking up because we had planned on going out for a night of wings and conversation - and were dressed accordingly. Felt *REALLY* out of place. Nonetheless, the food was amazing. Drove home and immediately got out of the heels and washed my face. Couldn't stand having that ick on my face. Nonetheless, it was nice to get even a little bit girlified last night. |
| 2 Comments |
| Ill Advised |
| 10.07.05 (9:24 pm) [edit] |
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Had another counseling appt with the rape crisis counselor this afternoon. I just don't click with her. She seems to have a chip on her shoulder about all men. Despite my experience with "T", I still adore many of the male species. Not ALL men are evil and slimey. I know that I'm holding a lot of emotions in, trying to keep it together. I mentioned to her how I talk about what happened very matter of factly. I could be describing how I reorganized my sock drawer for all purposes, I'm very emotionless. She said that it's taking a lot of energy and effort to keep things behind the floodgates, which I do agree with. However, I don't feel like I'm in a safe place with the type of support system I need to let it out. I'm blessed with some great friends in my life, but none of them are local. So until I get to a different scenario in counseling, I think it would be too overwhelming. I'm holding on by a string most days - I feel like just about anything could send me over the edge. I'm trying to be prudent in my keeping a safe environment for myself. The counselor told me that I might as well let down the guard now rather than later. I admit that there are times that I'm almost suicidal and I think her advice was not well-advised. I asked again about any other support groups in the Metro area - she said that there were none. Kinda sucks because I think I would respond better to a group of women that I could interact with. A funny side note: We're having a lot of rain from Tropical Storm Tammy and I could hear water running down the drain spout during the entire session. Sounded like a running faucet. Made me wanna pee sooooo bad! |
| 8 Comments |
| Just a thought |
| 10.07.05 (6:51 am) [edit] |
| What if Katie Holmes gets post-partum depression? Wouldn't that be ironic? |
| 11 Comments |
| Been a bad, bad girl |
| 10.06.05 (11:29 am) [edit] |
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I'm a thief. Sorta. Inadvertent shoplifter of sorts. Grocery store today. Got some sliced turkey from the deli. Put it in the top section of the cart. Ended up putting my purse over it to make space for some yogurt. Checked out. Putting stuff in my car - noticed the turkey in the top - wasn't sure if it had been scanned or not. Checked receipt when I got home... Glad I didn't get tossed in jail for 'lifting some turkey. I'll take the bag back and confess my sins. (Do you think I need an atty to accompany me?) As a sidenote - smiling in mug shots - good thing or not? Should you try to look your most awful or try to go for a decent shot? |
| 16 Comments |
| Wrap him in hot donuts |
| 10.03.05 (7:06 am) [edit] |
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Wednesday, I called the police officer that has been 'hot on the case' of "T" (which means he's dialed his number and tried calling information to get a new phone number.) He returned my call this morning to say that he "hasn't been able to make contact with the gentleman." (Every time he refers to him as 'the gentleman, it makes my stomach roll.) Of course, I asked him if he's tried going to his residence or mailing him a letter. "No, we don't operate that way." Ok. I bit my tongue. I was REALLY tempted to let loose. But I figured that wouldn't exactly encourage him to actually do anything. Since I filed the report with his superior officer (who made this guy look like Officer of the Year). I guess I could go up the chain and speak with his boss. It infuriates me to no end that this guy hasn't gotten off his ass and driven the 3 miles from police headquarters to "T's" house. I've told him approximately when "T" is home, what vehicle he drives including tag number. Maybe if I told him there was a dozen donuts waiting for him at "T's" house? The atty and the rape crisis center both said that this was pretty standard for my county's police dept. I'm pissed and I'm venting. |
| 15 Comments |
| Guy Bulges |
| 10.02.05 (5:11 pm) [edit] |
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Most ladies are aware of the feared "VPL's"... (For you guys, that's Visible Panty Lines - when a woman wears a pair of pants and you can see the lines of her panties thru the pants.) Not the visually-appealing 'smooth look'. Publications like Glamour and Cosmo, incoordination with Spanx and the thong, have bonded to gether to wipe out VPL's. I realized today that there is an epidemic that many of us have overlooked. What's worse that VPL's? What if your VPL's were broadcast all over tv? A travesty, right? Utterly mortifying! I'm referring to an overlooked problem. VJLs. Visible Jockstrap Lines. I can't tell you how many guys I saw with amazing physiques but the 'rear end view' was ruined because the jockstrap elastic had ridden up, creating unslightly bulges in an otherwise pleasurable view... And while I'm at it, boys, if you're wearing white pants, a nude-colored jockstrap won't create those really bright lines. (Don't you guys EVER read the articles in Cosmo or do you just stare at the pictures?) I'm starting a foundation to "Stamp out VJLs!" It totally ruined my viewing of the Falcons /Vikings game. I bet the Vikings were so self-conscious and distracted by their VJL's that they weren't able to focus on their game. (Of course, the Falcons kick ass...) I think I'm going to start a new career as a stylist to football players. Consider it a public service... |
| 2 Comments |
by Redonthehead