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| (GASP!) |
| 06.29.05 (2:04 pm) [edit] |
|
Got home last night, dreadfully tired but wasn't ready to sleep. Talked to a 'former work associate' on the way home from my dinner. She's talking about how she's brought in new accounts, etc. I miss that stuff. I knew it was coming... Then she asked about my health. (I get so tired of it - and seriously I think she thinks I'm faking it or something.) I get so sick of talking about things so I try to keep it brief and let her ramble on about her life. I miss the thrill of the hunt and developing accounts in the sales world. Wasn't ready to hit the sack though, so I watched "Hitch" (thanks to another free Netflix trial). I could relate to a lot of it. Somewhat funny. Then I took "more than recommended dosage" amount of Ambien, turned my cell phone ringer off, and hit the sack. Woke up this morning, not feeling quite as exhausted. Energy-wise, I've been about a 3 for several weeks. Today, I'm about a 5. I washed dishes, put away some laundry, watered plants and (gasp) did 30 mins on the treadmill. Sat outside while I read the book about the rock climber that had to cut off his own arm. I also had a book on Alexander the Great but sorta flipped through it - it was a little to heavy on the military battle details - I was more interested in the man not battle strategies... Anyhoo, just glad to have a decent day. |
| 7 Comments |
| A Bad Apple |
| 06.29.05 (9:32 am) [edit] |
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I really hate bitter angry people that don't have a clue who you are and decide to leave judgmental comments. Does it make them feel better? I realize that they have to have no life and have much more voids in their lives than myself. Pretty darn pathetic. With the veil of the internet, some people just think they can say whatever they want from reading one posting...It's easy to be critical and not think of the impact and consequences that they may have on another. (Not that what she said really impacted me, but if she can say such ugly things to me, I hate to think what she's saying to others...) And I hope this particular (new) tblogger gets a dose of karma. A big one. But she's blocked from my blog now. Tblog doesn't need a bad apple like this rotten one. |
| 16 Comments |
| Dinner with a Married Man |
| 06.28.05 (12:13 pm) [edit] |
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Have to go out tonight and I don't want to go. The person I'm meeting is under the impression it's a date. I feel sorta like I'm using him. He's in town on business every couple of weeks. 1) He's married. 2) He has a mistress that lives down the street from his wife in a condo he got for her. 3) He has a son. 4) He hits on me constantly. (I've made it crystal clear that I'm not interested) 5) He's much older and I'm COMPLETELY not attracted to him. So why, you may ask am I going? 1) He's the VP of a major retailer 2) My refrigerator is mucho defective 3) I've had no success with the manufacturer 4) He's said that he does millions of $ of biz with them and he'd help me out. 5) His company would be a perfect sponsor for our festival next year and he's expressed interest in participating. Hence, I'm going to meet him for dinner, play nice and ask him to help me and talk about the sponsorship. Otherwise, he'd be eating alone. However, I will not 'go back to his room' to discuss it further. As much as I could use a "Sugar Daddy", I have standards. LOL |
| 9 Comments |
| He woke me up this am to... |
| 06.28.05 (8:02 am) [edit] |
|
Didn't sleep well again last night. Clock-watching at 11pm, 1am, 3am. Finally fell asleep sometime after that. To be awakened by my beloved Airborne calling at 5:30am. He thought he'd get my VM. We talked for a while. Now the plans have been scrapped to take the job in Savannah (I KNEW he was full of poop when he said he was taking the gig there to be close to me!) Now he's planning to take another job out in White Sands, NM. I can't keep up with him. Then I went downstairs to feed the felines. Greeted my a huge furball. (Gee, thanks) Think I'm going to go back to bed. Maybe I'll name my melons after pain medications or anti-depressants. That would be funny. |
| 2 Comments |
| Vegetative |
| 06.27.05 (8:59 am) [edit] |
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Couldn't sleep last night. Up until after 4am. Read a great book - "Genevieve" by Eric Dickey. Lots of accolades about him being a great 'black lit' writer. (Why can't they just say he's a great writer?) Interesting dynamic of a married relationship and some damn spicey sex trysts too. Had a counseling appt this morning. I haven't discussed the "T" incident with my counselor because I didn't want it to interfere/complicate my SS/private LTD insurance case (plus it's hard to get into that sort of stuff in a 15 minute appt when she's getting interrupted constantly). She's retiring at in a few weeks. (Why open that can of worms right now?) I don't know if it's the lack of sleep, or what, but I started getting really emotional about an hour ago about the "T" incident. I keep thinking that I'm moving on, I'm doing okay and out of the blue, something pops up and I feel broken, sad, alone, etc. I know, it takes time but enough already! And Sassy has barfed all over the place (5 different spots). How the hell she got some of it on the wall 3 feet up is beyond my comprehension. I don't want to deal with it right now, but she's not going to clean it up herself. (Despite my asking her to politely) Then I'm going to curl up on the sofa and be vegetative. |
| 10 Comments |
| My Melons |
| 06.27.05 (8:58 am) [edit] |
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I have 3 watermelons growing in my garden. They are about the size of globe grapes right now. I need suggestions on naming them. I was thinking Larry, Moe, and Curly... Any other suggestions? Since I have no life, maybe I'll start a second photoblog dedicated to my watermelons? (Suggestions for the name of the blog will also be accepted) |
| 6 Comments |
| Highly Suspect |
| 06.26.05 (7:33 pm) [edit] |
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In the olden days (ie like when Trekguy wore polyester leisure suits and thought he looked smokin'), a woman past a certain age that was unmarried was called the dreaded term 'SPINSTER'... I don't know of any single woman, or any woman at all, that likes that word. It conjures up a picture of an elderly woman knitting doilies in a rocking chair talking about the 'beau' she had when she was 15 - she declined his proposal and never got another offer... Was there a certain age when a woman becomes 'a spinster'? And isn't that term outdated... Sort of like the police no longer use the term 'suspect' - they say the individual is a 'person of interest'. (When in reality we ALL know what they really mean...) And what is the male equivalent of a spinster? A bachelor. But it doesn't have the same connotation as the dreaded spinster. I'm past 30, single, and proud of it. I don't feel pressured to get married, squeeze out a few pups just to fit into the 'traditional ideal because I'm supposed to. When I was considering buying my house several years ago, my father said "Why, you're single - you don't need to buy a house until you're married." (Ugh) Feel free to discuss: a) what point does a 'maiden' become a spinster/old maid? b) why do guys get the more positive connotation of 'bachelor'? c) what's the purpose of changing from "suspect" to "person of interest"? d) a new term for spinster/old maid that we single gals can embrace and be proud of. e) whatever the hell you want. (If I don't like what you say, I'll delete it - LOL) (And Trekguy, you know I'm just playing with you) |
| 22 Comments |
| Maternal Invasion Part Deux |
| 06.25.05 (1:14 pm) [edit] |
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The mother came over this morning *unannounced* while I was out. She called me and asked if I was still in bed, to which I advised her I was running an errand. She was back to 'fix' the dryer. (Ahem) So I turn around and come home (popping a preventative Klonapin on the way). I give her the birthday card I had for her to which she starts critiquing the Mother's Day card I had given her. (Gee thanks) Then I give her some pictures I had printed out for her for the Tom Jones concert (which she left behind). Finally, I gave her the picture of me in a frame to which (MY JAW DROPPING) she said she "loved it" about 10 times and gave me a hug. Then all hell breaks loose. She starts in on how she wants to edge the yard and that it's a disgrace compared to the neighbors, etc. (I had just done it a week ago). I told her (politely) "No thank you." She kept on. I said "For the second time, No thank you." Thus began the scene. How I'm ungrateful and abusing her. (Huh?) I told her that I had told her a billion times that I would take care of my own yard and that if I needed her assistance, I would ask for it but her repetitive attempts at badgering me about issues would not help matters. In fact, it was reminding me why I don't reach out to her for help. And I mentioned that I was taking Klonapin whenever I was encountering her to aide me in dealing with her. (I'm sure she just LOVED that!) She went on and on. I held my ground. She started babbling about comparing her notes on her calendar about whatever I've written in my journal lately. (Whatever!) Off she stomped, leaving all of her things behind. I just put my earbuds back in my ears, sucked on my iced green tea, and read my book. I'm debating between getting a wee bit alcoholically-saturated or blowing my diet. Haven't decided yet... Once again, thanks Klonapin! I can only imagine how the scene would have been without you. |
| 14 Comments |
| Blow me |
| 06.24.05 (1:41 pm) [edit] |
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1) Talked to the Executor of my friend's estate. He told me that I did not have to talk to her sons' atty. They can subpeona me and fly out here to take a deposition if they want, but they doubt they will. Supposedly, they are contending that she was sound enough to sign the divorce decree because the atty was 'hand-holding' her, but the Will was more of a secretarial thing and didn't involve the intense attention that the divorce settlement did. (It's not like she left her estate to her dog. She just wrote her sons out of her Will because they had not communicated with her in more than 5 years and refused to even send her pictures of her grandchildren) Now they are pretending to be loyal sons that were so concerned. They've gone through 4 atty's now. Trial is next month. The attys for the estate are supposed to be contacting me and deciding if they will need me to testify to her soundness of mind. Since I've known her for 15 years and been quite close to her, they will evaluate if I can help. (I'd LOVE to be able to 'avenge' her and help keep her final wishes) I just send one of the sons a reply email saying "I think it's best that we not discuss your mother." 2) Today is my mother's birthday. She's always a total pain in the ass about gifts. And since I'm broke, I decided to do something simple. I had some recent pics of me printed and some select shots from the Tom Jones concert. (Total cost of 95 cents plus an unused frame I've had sitting around here for ages). I called her this am. to wish her a happy bday to which she blew me off. I told her that I had something for her and didn't know when we'd be seeing each other. Her response (typical) was "I will not accept anything from you." I told her that I would appreciate it if she would just drop it and work with me. Nope. She had to be a total bitch once again and ruin it. Now my birthday is in 2 months. Last year I told her that if I couldn't get her anything, I wouldn't accept anything from her. To which I was told I was ungrateful and hurtful. Now where's that Klonapin? |
| 4 Comments |
| Try this - |
| 06.23.05 (6:23 am) [edit] |
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A Lifetime: 10 years ago: I was working my ass off as a radio dj and promotions person for a major concert venue. Otherwise, I had no life. 5 years ago: I was working my ass off and spending any free time on dive trips. Otherwise, I had no life. 1 year ago: On leave from work, in the midst of the medical mystery of what was wrong with me. Going crazy because I had no money to shop, travel and not working my ass off. Yesterday: Drugged off my butt. Today: Feeling empty and lost. Tomorrow: Probably won't be any different. 5 Snacks I Enjoy: Triscuits with melted monterey jack cheese, Breyers Strawberry Ice Cream, fresh fruit salad, sweet potato with butter & brown sugar, homemade basil pesto with lots of garlic and cheese. 5 Songs I Know All The Words To: "I will survive" (Gloria Gaynor), "Copacabana" (Barry Manilow), "I Alone" (Live), Imagine (Lennon), Nightswimming (REM). 5 Things I Would Do With $100,000,000: Build my dream house, invite all my favorite people to go on a trip to relax and get to know each other, do something nice for my mom and some important people in my life, establish a charity to look after several causes close to my heart. 5 Locations I`d Like to Run Away To: Playa Del Carmen, Mexico. Costa Rica. Turks & Caicos. The Keys. Just get on a boat and sail around the Caribbean - destination unknown. 5 Bad Habits I Have: Procrastination. Answering Evasively. Keeping people at a distance. Not letting people help me. Not listening to voicemails. 5 Things I like Doing: Scuba. Shopping. Reading. Cooking. Hiking. 5 Things I Would Never Wear: Pleather. A holiday sweater with a pumpkin/santa etc on it. A Moo-Moo. A boring white bra. Non-matching underthings. 5 T.V. Shows I Like: Lost. Gray's Anatomy. (That's it. I don't watch much TV) 5 Movies I Like: Citizen Kane. To Kill a Mockingbird. Grease. Casino. Gone with the Wind. 5 Famous People I'd like to Meet: Katie Holmes (to say WTF are you thinking girl??), Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan (to tell them to get a life and bitch-slap them), Dan Workman (amazing music producer), Ty Pennington. 5 Biggest Joys at the Moment: Getting calls from friends who mean a lot to me. (Thinking of 5 people...) 5 Favorite Toys: Mr. Magic. (Of course!), my MP3 player, my cellphone, Mr. Magic, (Did I mention Mr. Magic?) 5 people to tag. Will let anyone/everyone take a shot at this |
| 9 Comments |
| Maternal Invasion + double dose Klonapin = Lalalalala |
| 06.22.05 (9:07 am) [edit] |
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The mom is here. I forgot I took a Klonapin in anticipation of her arrival and took a 2nd one a short time later - then realized "Opps!". I can barely stand up straight but I'm uber-mellow and I don't think she's even noticed. She's definitely not grinding on my last nerve like ususal. More like a dull buzz of a fly that I want to swat away. God bless the makers of Klonapin. They must have known my mom. |
| 16 Comments |
| Pity Party |
| 06.21.05 (11:12 am) [edit] |
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Is it too early for me to go to bed? I feel so run-down. I had a dr's appt at 9:30. Got there at 9:15. At 10:30, the dude that had the 10am appt started having a hissy fit, so she saw him first. (GRRRRRRRRRRRRR). I finally saw the dr. at 11:15. They have taken to drugging me as the current solution. I'm SO fed up with doctors and 'the system' and trying to figure out ways to work it to get the attention I deserve. I'm now being told that there isn't a single specialist in 'the system' that deals with Chronic Fatigue Immune Dysfunction Syndrome. Every ounce of energy is sucked out of me. I'm having one of those moments when I'm feeling totally utterly hopeless of ever regaining a normal life. I have no purpose in my life right now. I'm fed up with people only talking to me about my health and latest dr's appts. (No offense, I know they care but I'm so tired of focusing on it.) I feel useless. A shell of myself. I miss the old me. I used to be a lot of fun. I'm SO tired of being tired. I would love a hug and a snuggle and someone to stroke my hair. I miss that sort of intimacy where someone really cares about you. A massage wouldn't be too bad either, but my body is sore all over. And if ANY of you guys make any sort of smart-ass sexual remarks, I swear I will find someone to kick your ass. |
| 30 Comments |
| Confession |
| 06.20.05 (7:34 pm) [edit] |
| I cried when I heard Wham was breaking up. |
| 9 Comments |
| Shaved Pussy (cat) |
| 06.20.05 (1:11 pm) [edit] |
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First she shaves my long black fur into a short-hair version. Then she gives me a bath today so I smell like a f'ing apricot. It's hard to be dignified when you look like a drowned rat and smell like fruit. I'm just deciding where I'm going to cough up my furball revenge. We're talking MAJOR vendetta. Signed, Sassy the PISSED cat P.S. And dammit, she didn't use the Pantene conditioner on me this time! |
| 19 Comments |
| Legal Drama |
| 06.20.05 (1:43 am) [edit] |
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It's 3:30 am and I couldn't sleep. Decided to catch up on some emails and checked an old email account. And had to pick my jaw up off the ground. As many of you recall, one of my dearest friends, a sort of surrogate mother to me, killed herself last spring. Her two sons (my age) had disowned her several years before because they could not deal with her bipolar disease, and had refused to let her ever meet her grandchildren. Quite literally, it killed her. I flew out for her memorial service, which was full of drama. The boys have always sided with their father (a rather wealthy and prominent atty in Houston).I called one of the sons prior to the service to reach out to him, he was a total ass and didn't even acknowledge me at the service. Now her sons are contesting her will, which was signed over two years prior to her death. She wrote them completely out of her estate. (Justifiably so) They are saying she was insane. She wasn't. I spent 10 days with her and saw she was manic, but reasonable. I have stayed in touch with her side of the family and been kept abreast of the situation. But, I got emails from one of the sons and their atty asking me to contact them regarding important information on the case. They can't seriously think that I would have anything to say about her that would help them. I'm going to contact Executor of her estate and advise him. I'd love a chance to testify on her behalf against her sons. |
| 4 Comments |
| Fathers Day Rant |
| 06.19.05 (5:58 am) [edit] |
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Father's Day isn't the happiest day of the year for me. In my effort to keep the door open to my sperm donor, I sought out a card to send to him. I couldn't find a single card that didn't talk about what a 'great dad' or how supportive the father had been. Hallmark needs to address dysfunctional family issues a lot more. I mean hell, they have cards to send to people from PETS. I'm sure there are a lot more people in fucked-up family relationships that don't want to send a kiss-ass card that is full of sappy bullpoop. I'm not going to pretend that I'm grateful for his dedication, devotion, etc because there was none. So, I send a hand-written note that simply said "Wishing you a happy Fathers Day" and signed my name. Didn't say "love". I did my part. He doesn't have my new number (unlisted). He does live 10 mins away. I have some anxiety that he's going to show up here. I don't answer the door if I'm not expecting anyone (to avoid local kids pimping their giftwrap, cookies, etc and local religous zealots) Or, I'll get a note in the mail from him in a few days. I remember the conversation I had with him last year - the first one since May 1998. He reminded me why I haven't had him in my life. I saw him through a different set of eyes that day. I was no longer that little girl wishing for a daddy, but an adult woman seeing his self-absorbed conditional ideal of parenting. A weight was lifted off my shoulders. I realized that he could never be that man that I had yearned for him to be. And, in reality, as a person, I would choose to have nothing to do with him. I shared with him some very basic information about my illness and he was more concerned about how his lack of a relationship with me was 'an embarrassment' to his family. Then it hit me - this is the same man who had nothing to do with either of his brothers or their families. It wasn't personal against me - his love, approval, support has always been conditional. And I would never play that game, so I 'ejected' myself from the arena. I have to say that the song "Daughters" by John Mayer hits home with me. I wonder if he's heard it and ever listened to the lyrics. I just don't need the stress or the drama right now. And he is nothing but stress and drama. I'm fortunate to have a number of male figures in my life that sort of step up in a father-like role for me. To them, I am unbelievably grateful. (But I ain't gonna call you Daddy and no, you can't spank me when I've been naughty!) I have so much that I need to do and no clue where to start. And I am so tired. I know this posting sounds sorta bitter and angry, but it's just a rant. |
| 7 Comments |
| Naughty Thoughts |
| 06.15.05 (2:23 pm) [edit] |
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Some (hopefully) good news... Yesterday I met with an advocate who is going to help expedite my disability claim. She made copies of all my medical records, even photocopied info from my book on Chronic Fatigue, said she'd probably be calling my mother for additional info from her. I was really impressed with her thoroughness and seemed on the ball. She's meeting with them on Friday. I've been so frustrated with the system. And I really don't have the 'oomph' to put up with the bureaucracy. I had an MRI on Monday of my noggin. My appt was at 6pm. I was instructed to be there 30 mins early. (Of course I was) I was also instructed not to eat anything after midnight. (So I had gone 18 hours sans food.) I called at 4:30 to ask if they were running on schedule. She said yep. What time did I get in for my MRI? Try after 11pm. Fortunately, I had a book (which I read cover to cover while waiting), my MP3 player (whose battery was running low) and my phone (which I had been talking on the phone quite a bit) However, the MRI technician was a cutie. He had the most amazing gray eyes - reminded me of the color of a dolphin. He was sweet, flirty and I can't tell you the naughty thoughts that ran thru my brain while I sat in the MRI tube for those 45 mins. I don't feel so great, going to go lay down for a while. Hope all's well. |
| 37 Comments |
| Date Recap |
| 06.14.05 (9:30 pm) [edit] |
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Date was definitely better than the ones over the weekend. This is someone I have known for a long time - we've been friends but there seems to be some other stuff going on. Actually did some smooching. But dammit, he didn't nibble on my neck or ears. And my red panties were enjoyed by only me. We talked A LOT about stuff going on in his life. He needed to unload and I sorta put my listening ears on. On the hot-o-meter, it was a 5.49/10.(I know he needed to unload, but he had points deducted for the aforementioned failure to nibble neck/ears and he didn't really ask about me at all...other than how my arm was and how my appt today went.) However, there is PLENTY of potential. MUST MUST MUST edge/mow my yard tomorrow. (Loathing it) My cats can walk in the backyard and only see their tails... |
| 10 Comments |
| Red Lace Panties |
| 06.14.05 (2:51 pm) [edit] |
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UBER-HOT date tonight. Will make up for last weekend. If ANYONE calls me tonight - you are SO up shit creek. If I don't update in the a.m. - you can assume it was a late night. :) Black lace-trimmed camisole, above-the-knee white skirt (shows off the tan), black strappy heels. I couldn't decide between black, red or white lace panties. Trekguy made the executive decision - red. Wish me luck. |
| 7 Comments |
| Thongs |
| 06.13.05 (6:56 am) [edit] |
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As a follow-up to my earlier posting about skorts... I said earlier that I don't wear thongs. I stand corrected. When I left my drunk date on Friday night and went shopping, I bought the cutest red beaded thongs (flipflops). And they were mismarked. All the other ones were marked for $49.99, but I found a pair priced for $4.99. They are so cute. If I can post a pic of them (with my freshly-painted tootsies), I'll do it. Then you can have a picture of my thong(s). |
| 15 Comments |
| Rational and Predictable |
| 06.12.05 (3:33 pm) [edit] |
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Here's a snippet from a late-night conversation with a friend of mine. We don't talk as often as I'd like. We've never been 'romantically involved' but he said a lot of insightful things I've heard before and I'm struggling with. "Love is not an equation with a predictable result. You are trying to decide who you will give yourself to. Love and love relationships don't give a shit about static rules and standards. What I am trying to point out is that it doesn't work that way not that you shouldn't be a thinking rational person. You have one of the most complex and evolved evaluation systems for dating that I have ever come across yet you fail to achieve your own goal. What you don't know/let yourself do is trust anyone - not romantically you don't. You just won't take the chance or do you decide that it's too risky and make the situation so that the fella dumps you? In all honesty, sometimes your not honest about your feelings. In some situations you seem to be very uncomfortable but say nothing..." I asked for an example of when I am uncomfortable and say nothing but he said he'd have to look back over some of my emails to recall. I typically don't 'clam up' when I'm uncomfortable - I might utilize diversionary or evasive tactics - usually not consciously... I openly ask those close to me to call me on it when I do it. I'd rather say "I don't feel like talking about it right now or can we talk about it later?" I don't know what I can do to 'work on this' when I'm not involved with someone romantically. Sure, I would love to fall in love and all of that, but I just don't think I'm ready. But are we ever truly ready? It seems when we think we are, life decides to alter things and teach us yet another lesson. My relationship history sucks for a variety of reasons - be it timing, choices in men, extraneous factors or me, me, me. I want to challenge my trust issues, I want to learn to love without fear, to give myself without hesitation. I know I will never be able to have a truly loving relationship until I slay those dragons. PS-Thanks again to the friend who spoke so candidly. Gave me food for thought. |
| 18 Comments |
| Please explain.... |
| 06.12.05 (8:40 am) [edit] |
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Someone explain "SKORTS" to me. I just don't get the appeal. I've done 'surgery' on two pairs of skorts. I turn them inside-out and cut out the 'short' part of it, making it a skirt. Sort of like separating twins. |
| 27 Comments |
| Denied |
| 06.11.05 (10:50 pm) [edit] |
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Time for another update on my date with "Dinty Moore" this afternoon. The plan was to meet at a local Starbucks and people watch. I met "DM" while waiting for one of my female friends for coffee a few days ago at Whole Foods. He was definitely easy on the eyes. He was talking about how he's been at his mother's bedside - she has had complications from a kidney transplant last month. I didn't have a lot of time to talk to him b/c my friend showed up, so he gave me his number... He made a couple of comments earlier in the day that had me on alert including a suggestion that we grab a bottle of wine and head over to my place. I told him that was NOT going to happen - if he was looking for a hook-up, that he was wasting his time. En route to aforementioned Starbucks, he calls to say he's running 10 minutes late and makes yet another suggestive comment about my red hair and I'll leave it to your imagination. I'm all for being flirtacious and all - but it was ALL this guy was suddenly saying. Felt like he was one of those guys that hung out at meat markets looking to bag whomever. So I told him that I changed my mind and thought it was best we don't meet - that I realized we wouldn't hit it off. (Wonder if the whole mom/kidney transplant is just an act of his.) Apparently, my romance horoscope is in "The House of Slime and Trolls". |
| 14 Comments |
| Fizzled |
| 06.10.05 (8:14 pm) [edit] |
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Met "Sven" tonight for a drink. He asked where I wanted to meet - I wasn't familiar with the midway area, so I just said someplace not noisy. He picked Pappadeaux. Place was packed, speakers blaring for people waiting for reservations, couldn't hear much. And he was drunk when I got there. He said he had already drunk 5 strong margaritas. (Not a good sign). Before we met, I told him I couldn't stay long as I was meeting some friends for a birthday gathering. (My exit strategy) He was a little too 'blue collar' for me, didn't stand when I got to the chair, didn't offer to push it in, didn't ask what I wanted to drink - AMD cursing left and right. (I admit I'll use a word occasionally but it was Fuck this, shit that, cunt this...) He mentioned something about being into racing, I asked something about Nascar and his reply was "Its for a bunch of pussy-sucking pussies." (Lovely, I thought!) Then he proceeds to tell me a story about how he bought a couple dinner and they were going over to his place to have some fun (I didn't want to know) and they stole his bag of pot. (I have this thing about drugs.) I'm politely sitting there, drinking my glass of water while he downs his 6th drink. He said that he can't wait to (I'll leave this to your imagination.) I replied that the idea was very flattering, but that wouldn't be happening between us. He looked rather shocked and he said "I thought you came here not to tease." I said "I was VERY upfront about taking things slowly and that this was just a get to know you drink. I won't be involved with people doing drugs. It's your thing, that's cool, but I don't want to be around it." He said "Well, I was just being honest." I told him that I appreciated it, but it was just one of those things I held firm on. (Plus a host of other reasons, but I figured that was my easiest out.) So then he starts talking to a married couple on the other side of him that were in the middle of a appearingly intense discussion. They kept sort of acknowledging whatever he was saying and ignoring him. But he kept on as he drank his 7th margarita. And flirting with the bartenders, etc. Just not my type of guy. If I'm there to meet him, I'm there for HIM. I expect similiar attention. I stood up for over 5 minutes before I finally tapped him on the shoulder, told him it was nice meeting him and that I hoped he had a safe drive home. He put his hand on my posterior and said "Call me." I just turned around and left - promptly sending his numbers into my cellphone dead zone where they will never ring again. Perhaps...it was because he was drinking. But I felt completely disrespected from the get-go. Any man that can get drunk before meeting a woman - doesn't show much decorum. And it went downhill from there. The crass language didn't help. He just didn't seem to show much self-control. I'm glad I didn't shave my legs for him. :P |
| 24 Comments |
| Wink Wink |
| 06.09.05 (7:39 pm) [edit] |
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Got an IM from "The Felon". I try to be nice but keep him at a distance. It's his birthday this weekend. He IM'd me to inform me of that. I replied that I hoped he had a great weekend. Then he said that he hoped I'd give him a 'special birthday present *wink wink*. I told him that I wish I could get him something, but I'm totally broke. He replied that what he had 'in mind didn't cost a dime.' (Except maybe my dignity?) I told him I was flattered but didn't think of him that way and I'd appreciate it if he'd not suggest things like that again. Does this man think that just because it's his birthday that I'm going to hop into bed with him? We dated... 3 years ago. For like barely a month. Until he dropped the bomb - that he was a felon. I saw him a few months ago and he tried groping me again despite me being crystal clear that it was a friendly dinner... I told him that if came up with something that blew me away for my birthday, I'd reconsider. (We know that will never happen!) MEN! PIGS! TROLLS! HOUNDS! Where is that application for the convent again? |
| 6 Comments |
| Turn me on |
| 06.08.05 (1:50 pm) [edit] |
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For once, this is not a leading posting... Someone recently asked me what turns me on and gets me hot. Wow. Where do I begin? In no particular order: Intellectual conversation. A sense of humor. Confidence but not over-confidence. Honesty. Humility. Passion. Kissing my ears and neck Ditto with the back of my knees and the small of my back. Stroking my hair or the inside of my arm or the palm of my hand. Having my hair pulled back firmly so that he can kiss me passionately. Getting 'a look' that doesn't require words. *Lifting of eyebrow optional. Having a man whisper into my ear. (Mental foreplay!) Preparing for a date - doing all that girly stuff - shaving, moisturizing, perfuming - knowing the efforts will be appreciated. Watching a guy sleep - something about them at their most vulnerable is sexy. A really good back/neck rub. Turns this girl to jelly. I wouldn't complain about a foot massage either. Kissing like when we were 15 - somethings to be said for necking for hours. (well, maybe not hours...) A guy cooking in the kitchen. (Sorry but grilling just doesn't do it for me) The anticipation of that first kiss. Getting so close but not making that lip-on-lip contact. Oh baby! Makes me all gooey inside. Watching a man shave in a towel. (Naked wouldn't be bad either) In fact, any time a guy is concentrating on something intensely. A man that can show his vulnerable side and not get all freaked out afterwards. Eating something that I know I can devour seductively and drive a man crazy while doing it. (Ice cream cone, a banana, whatever that involves licking my fingers and perhaps him licking them too) "Fade into You" by Mazzy Star and just about anything by Evanesence. Slow dancing when there is no music. Smelling him on my clothes afterward - be it his cologne, soap, or just him. Having a man undress me. Slowly. Having a man undress me urgently. Having a man ask me to undress for him. Ty Pennington. Having a man put my shoes back on for me and caressing my leg at the same time. Requesting that I wear a certain outfit or article of clothing - the fact that they remembered any piece of clothing. Putting on or rolling down my stockings. Something about it is so deliberately sexy. When a man is insistent on being chivalrous. (I don't expect it but when it happens!!!) Dairy Queens. (Long story - I have this fantasy that involves a DQ ice cream cone on a hot summer day) Nuzzling his face in my silky hair and inhaling deeply. Aforementioned garter-belt and stockings. Sexy strappy sandals. Girly lingerie. My toes painted fire-engine red makes me feel VROOM! VROOM! VROOM! Extended eye contact. You know when you don't have to say a word but you can almost see the little zings of chemistry between you. He brushes hair out of my face. Candles. Candle wax sounds pretty damn good too. Kisses along my spine. Slow butterfly ones. Soft fingers as well. Holding my face in his hands when he kisses me - and if he gets that mushy totally enamoured look at the same time - yee haw! Seduction. Both ways. I love the dance of being coy, flirtacious, a sex kitten. And to be seduced...mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Spontaneity. That urgent hot gotta-have-it-now pulsing overwhelming throb. Anticipation. Knowing something delicious is going to happen - eventually. Preparation. Whether it be candlelight, some music for mood (dare I say clean sheets?) - knowing that he's put some thought and effort into the adventure. His hands. (I cannot believe I didn't think of this one earlier. I looooove staring at a man's strong hands. Imagining what they can do to me.) (And I have a feeling I'll come up with a hundred other things that I'll need to update as I think about it more.) |
| 8 Comments |
| Venting |
| 06.07.05 (3:05 pm) [edit] |
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Some of you have heard my mentions of the medical hoops I've been hopping through for the past almost 2 years. Trying to find out what's wrong with me and helping me get approved for disability. First it was my Lupus, then it wasn't my Lupus - the blood work didn't indicate it was in a flare-up despite how cruddy I was feeling. Then it was some rare condition called "Cushings Syndrome". Then it wasn't. My current PCP asked if anyone had ever suggested "Chronic Fatigue Syndrome". Said nope. (I've seen at least 15 specialists in the past 18 months). She did some preliminary testing and suggested that I read up on it. I did and it pretty much described me to a T. The testing for the Epstein-Barr Virus came back positive. There's no direct link b/w the two, but there is some connection. I asked her "what next?" She said I should talk to my Rheumatologist about it. Saw the Rheumatologist this morning. He pissed me off bigtime. I told him that I wanted to explore the possibility that CFS was the cause of my fatigue and memory problems. His reply that it's a 'syndrome' and isn't real. (Isn't AIDS a syndrome?) I laid out my case - because he admitted that my symptoms were 'atypical' of Systemic Lupus and that the severity of the complaints I have don't jive (my word) with the lack of activity with my bloodwork. I told him that apparently it had some validity as Social Security recognized it as a disability. That if he wasn't comfortable in treating or exploring it with me, that perhaps he could refer me to someone who could. He said "I'm not God." I told him that was abundantly clear but I was tired of being tired. I was tired of being told that it was one condition after another. And then he insinuated that it was psycho-somatic due to what went down with "T". I lost it at that point (calmly). I said - you're talking about something that happened less than a month ago where I have been complaining about these symptoms for almost 2 years. ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGH. He said he wanted to get to know me better to make an evaluation and that he'll see me back in 2 months. Fucker. I'm between a rock and a hard place because Social Security doesn't see my Lupus as severe enough to keep me from working but I can't find a doctor that is qualified or willing to explore CFS. So I'm stuck in getting a diagnosis that would free up some income so I could not live wondering where my finances will be coming from each month. I really don't care what I have. As long as someone at this point tells me what I'm dealing with. I'm so sick of being moderately functional 2-3 hours a day. No amount of rest makes me feel decent. I admit that I get so tired of living like this that I've thought of just ending it. I cannot continue it. (Not saying I'm going to go jump off a bridge or anything. I'm so FRUSTRATED. |
| 16 Comments |
| Got Laid! |
| 06.06.05 (9:39 am) [edit] |
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Let's play the game again this week... I know of one tblogger (non-married non-living with someone) that got laid this weekend. And I have my suspicions about another. Neither are females and they are not avid bicycle riders - that one is too easy. (hehe) Wanna guess? |
| 12 Comments |
| Tight shorts |
| 06.06.05 (9:36 am) [edit] |
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While the whole "T" thing was going on, I was rather negligent in my eating choices (Peach cobbler, peach sangria, cherry cheesecake ice cream). I won't step on a scale, but my shorts were tight yesterday (and not in a good way). I'm going on a hard-core diet for a few weeks. I apologize in advance for any bitching I'm going to be doing. But I'm going to be living on protein shakes and broccoli. So deal with it. Consider it a "Diva Beautification Project". |
| 7 Comments |
| Rude awakening |
| 06.05.05 (1:21 pm) [edit] |
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This afternoon the sun came out this afternoon long enough for me to hop in my bikini and get out in the hammock to recharge my solar batteries. (We have had cloudy/rainy/dismal days for the past week.) Blissful, topless (gasp!), listening to the mp3 player, reading a book, I fall asleep... I wake up to a hard cold rain. I flip out of the hammock, fortunately, I didn't fall on my arm (I had my brace off so I wouldn't have a tan line). However, I cut the hell out of the ball of my foot. Blood all over the kitchen floor. Will someone PLEASE call Mother Nature and tell her that I need sunny days so that I can keep my tan up? Thank you. |
| 25 Comments |
| Weekend Update |
| 06.05.05 (8:12 am) [edit] |
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Not too much to update for the weekend so far... My scuba friend "Chris" pretty much ordered me out Friday night - he's been worried about me and insisted that I get out. He drove 45 mins to pick me up to take me to a club he frequents. For the fashion record, I wore a rather short black skirt, a wispy/scarfy black camisole and strappy platformy 4inch black heels. (And for the perverts, my underthings were black too.) The club wasn't my scene. (Hardly anyone was dancing anyway) I've never really been into the club scene anyway. But "Chris" was a doll. I enjoyed watching him - he is in his element there. He rarely left my side. But I was approached by a couple of men when I was going to the restroom or he had gone to get a drink, etc. I wasn't in the mood - I just avoided eye contact. Honestly, I was pretty bored and cold most of the night. However, I adore "Chris" but we are both looking for different things. (He's going thru a divorce and not looking for a relationship and I am - or at least I think I am...) He got me home after 3am and we talked some more. He's livid about the "Ned" situation and is tempted to address things with "Ned" man -to-man to keep his gf in line. (Sounds so caveman-ish, doesn't it? LOL I understand he's protective of me and sees how much all the extraneous drama has been adding to my frustration) Slept until 11am. Sat outside in the hammock for a while and read. Caught up with SheSpecies on the phone for a while. (She has GOT to quit dating women with the same name - gets me too confused!) Was supposed to get together with another friend last night for dinner/movie but he called me at 8, saying he was still at the pool and he was drunk. (Rather irritated by that - I could have gone out with another friend instead.) Good thing I hadn't gotten gussied up or he would have had hell to pay. Wanted to make it up to me today. Don't know if I'm in the mood or not. If so, there will be groveling involved. A lot. Since someone bailed on me with picking peaches yesterday, I'm about to head back up on the ladder and pick the 2nd batch. I'll be more careful. NO standing on tip-toes on the ladder. I promise. BTW - I miss April. |
| 3 Comments |
| Jaw Dropping |
| 06.03.05 (3:14 pm) [edit] |
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I've mentioned a few times that I have another blog that is more personal. I've been focusing a lot more on that one lately - dealing with the "T" rollercoaster. I thought I was doing better until there was a comment on 'the other blog' that I thought was from "T" on Monday. I didn't know how he had found my blog, but the tone was pretty bad. And the malicious comments continued - saying that I deserved what I got and I was probably making it all up. I told a friend that I thought the commentor had some personal connection to me a few days ago. That the words were too hateful to come from a random stranger... This morning, there was yet another comment from this evil person (aka "Anonymous"). However, this time, "Anonymous" neglected to remove the link from her own blog on her comment. I clicked on it and my jaw dropped. Guess who it was????????? Ned's 20 year old girlfriend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!! I was livid. I was tempted to rail a reply to her but opted to take the high road. She tried to damage control by posting an entry on her blog about how she wished me the best and that she had told "Ned" that she had made the posting. I emailed "Ned" and told him that I couldn't believe he would be associated with anyone like that. Apparently, she had failed to mention to "Ned" that she had made about 10 postings. He replied, apologizing profusely and said that he would be taking it up with her. He said that she was no longer living with him because of her behavior with other issues. (Yet her blog talks about how things are better than ever with them - rather curious...) I have a feeling it's going to be a VERY interesting weekend there. |
| 27 Comments |
| Diva Has Left the Building |
| 06.01.05 (10:03 pm) [edit] |
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Right now I can't continue to try to come up with entertaining topics. And I'm not going to continue being honest about how sucky things are in my life. So I'm taking a break. If there's something worthy of blogging about, I'll be back. Things are pretty bleak on all fronts and I just can't fake the cheery stuff. |
| 24 Comments |
| In the moood |
| 06.01.05 (11:20 am) [edit] |
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I made the peach cobbler. Takes forever to try to peel 4 cups of peaches with one good hand and not spill any blood. It smelled good when it was done. Tasted okay I guess but I dumped it down the sink. Just wasn't in the mood. Then I swear I thought I saw a chipmunk tail by the side of the tv. I got the flashlight out and investigated. No evidence of anything. Lulu wasn't even interested. I guess I'm hallucinating. I'm going back to bed. Yes, I'm in a mood but not "in the mood". |
| 7 Comments |
by Redonthehead