Do you ever feel so mature as to want to stick your fingers in your ears and sing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" so you don't have to deal with any more crap?

Last night I got a comical email from the guy I called the potential stalker. I felt no spark and he was rather drole (CP will like that word). Then he kept calling and calling and calling. I finally sent him an email asking him to backoff. (which he did).

He had REALLY wanted to go to the Blondie concert last week - so I invited him last minute because my intended date's flight home was delayed. The concert was a wash (rained out), and I felt the evening was as well...

His email said "I enjoyed spending time with you. Tell me your thoughts.  I'm thinking that right now you would like an out of sight, out of mind relationship with no strings attached. Talk to me so we can figure out how to proceed. I enjoy your friendship and should something develop in the future I would not resist..:-) How's your lunch/dinner schedule looking? G."

I needed a laugh. My first thought was "Were you on the same date as me????" Listen, I appreciate a guy that can communicate and say what he wants, but I don't think I could have been more aloof during the evening. We didn't share a single even remotely intimate moment - no smooch, no hug, no hand-holding, I didn't even flirt with him (and I am a flirty girl). I have absolutely NO interest in dating him, or a "no strings attached" situation. I would rather eat mulch than spend any more time with him.

What do you think I should say to him? I need to be firm but prefer not to be too harsh.

P.S. The Cute Plumber called Sunday night. (Haven't even bothered to listen to his VM) And he called three times last night. I just have no desire to hear him talk about his relationship with the girl that's playing him...

I just heard back from the insurance company that has been evaluating me for Long-term Disability (since APRIL). They said that my problems are 'pre-existing' which is baloney. They have lab reports and doctor's notes indicating otherwise. I was diagnosed with the adrenal tumor in April/May'04 when the policy went into effect in October 03.

Now I have to appeal. I can only imagine how long that process is going to take. So much for orders of no stress that my doctors ordered...

Anyone have experience with appealing these sorts of claims?

This evening, while watering my tomato plants, I decided to seek some revenge.

I know it's petty but it felt sooooo good!

I turned the hose on powerwash and flooded that f'ing ant hill that I ran over on Thursday (which they have rebuilt). I was saying to myself "swim you little fuckers".

Of course, I was about 10 feet away so they couldn't come after me. But I would have like to hear their little ant screams.

I sound sick, don't I?

Then again, you aren't looking at my ant-bite covered legs. Part of the reason I am home on a Saturday night. I look like I have leprosy.

Did you think this would be a sexy revelation about how I got bite marks from a date last night? Think again amigos!

While I was sitting in the examining room yesterday waiting for the doctor, I was admiring my pedicure and then noticed a little red mark on my ankle. And then another. And another. In fact, my legs are COVERED in little bitty red bite marks.

Remember how I said mowing over a large anthill isn't a good idea? When the hell is Saint getting back so he can mow my yard dammit!

Not a peep from that guy. Good thing... He doesn't know that I know all this stuff about him - so I find it kinda disconcerting that he's so quiet...

At a new specialist's office this morning. More tests but she seems to be on the ball and is eager to 'fix' me. Told me that she would help me get to the bottom of things.

I had mentioned I had seen another specialist a few months ago and he was 'a total jackass'. She laughed and said that it wasn't the first time she'd heard that and she had a lot of his former patients.

Gotta love a dr that agrees with that!

I'm really worn out, not sure if I'll post later today or not. Hoping for a very calm, quiet weekend...

Well, the plumber called Wednesday night while I was on the phone with SheSpecies and I wasn't in the mood to hear his whining. But alas, he called back last night.

He's decided to get back together with his girlfriend and she's going to help him 'fix' his problems. I laughed and told him that I wished him the best of luck.

He wanted to know why I wasn't happy for him...

I replied: A girl that you have lived with for 6 months, one day, with NO forewarning, packs up ALL her belongings and moves out and DOESN'T tell you where she's living? And she is constantly getting calls on her cell phone where she says "I have to take this outside" when she never did before?

He may be hot to look at, but the dude is dumber than dirt.

More rain on my birthday parade...

I think EVERYONE knows my birthday was 2 days ago. Today, I got a card from my father. Granted, it was postmarked last night. But for the first time in as long as I can remember (which nowadays isn't that long), he actually addressed/signed the card.

I spoke to him for the first time in 6 years in May and he was a total ass. Reminded me why I had broken things off with him yet again.  I felt closure after that conversation in May. I admit a little bit of sadness when I didn't get a card even signed by his wife for me on my birthday this year, but I was moving on.

The card said something along the lines of "We're each getting older. Let's try again. Call me at (his office number). Dad"

Yes, he's reaching out. But I'm over him (for the most part). I don't and can't go thru the drama and shit and 'my way or no way' attitude of his.

On the otherhand, I feel like he owes me for a lot (he paid for his 4 stepsons' educations at private school and college but 'couldn't find the funds' for me unless I went to Georgia Tech and Majored in Business)  I could use his help around my house bigtime doing lots of fairly small jobs that I can't afford and don't trust selecting a contractor to do them (he's great at that stuff). Part of me thinks, let him work off some guilt. And then I can cut the strings on my terms if (when) he acts like an ass.

So, your vote/feedback would be appreciated:   Do I: 1) Ignore the card and not say a word 2) Send a note saying thank you for the gesture but he made his sentiments crystal clear in our last conversation 3) Call him and say thanks but no thanks 4) Call him and milk him for whatever work he will do before we end it again. 5) Your suggestions

I am one pooped chick. I got the COOLEST new tool at Lowe's. It's a limb pruner on a pole. (I'm sure there's an 'official name' for it) It was SO much fun to chop all those limbs. Granted, I *might* have gotten a little carried away. Maybe I'll post a pic tomorrow of the pile of limbs. I was a VERY busy beaver.

I learned something important. When you trim the 8-10ft rose stems that hang from your neighbor's yard onto your property, be careful NOT to back into them. OW!!!!

One other important thing to note: running over a HUGE anthill with a mower is NOT a good idea. 'nuff said.

I trimmed the ivy, trimmed eight trees of branches, edged, weeded, swept, mowed. Now I'm showered. But I still feel ants crawling on me.

Time to do my nails. Lawn work + manicures don't work!

I'm off to the home improvement store to buy some new tools. Need to trim some tall trees in my back yard. (Not to fear, I won't be getting a chainsaw...yet!) When the yard dries, it's a date with my weed wacker and lawn mower. Who knew a diva did lawn maintenance???

Other developments... Had 2 dates with a guy that I thought was really interesting. Then I heard from an ex of his (mutual friend) some things that I didn't necessarily believe, but was going to keep under consideration. (You know, there's always the bitter ex version!) Then, out of the blue, I got a VERY odd voicemail from him. Rather nasty tone to it. Putting her comments and his own behavior together ---> leads me to be concerned. I'm a little jumpy anyway because I had a stalker in the past. I let him pick me up at my house on the 2nd date, so he knows where I live. And I'm about a mile away from him, so it's all too convenient.

SheSpecies and I were discussing things - I don't have a gun. Or a taser (I made the joke that I'd accidentally reach for that instead of a toy and shock myself to hell).

So she said I needed a baseball bat. Now my question is - do I get wood or aluminum? It would be awfully nice to hear that "ping" of the aluminum bat on his head if he misbehaves....

Update: Bats are too damn expensive... I think I'll get a machete.

I wonder if I can get an extension on my "I can eat whatever I want today because it's my birthday immunity day". I had a rootbeer float earlier. That was it for the day. I just had no appetite...

But I just saw someone wrote a blog about a spaghetti recipe. Ummm. Pasta. Or maybe some macaroni & cheese...

Y'all HAVE to stop blogging about food. It's going to corrupt me!

*Did you think this was going to be a salacious offer? Do you even know what salacious means? LOL

For those of you not up to speed, the mom and I had a major blowout last week and I told her that both of us needed a break from each other.

So she called three times that afternoon. Including the manipulative technique of inquiring as to what my 'crying' message on her vm was about. (I did not even pick up the phone to call her.)

She's called multiple times since then. I spoke to my uncle and let him know I was alive and well. He would pass it along to her...

Yesterday, she called a couple of times. I didn't want to deal. Didn't even listen to the messages.

This morning, she shows up at my house, unannounced. She calls from the car saying she was here to wish me a happy birthday. I told her thank you but I would appreciate it if she would leave me alone for a while, that I needed space. (I am SERIOUSLY on the verge of severing all ties with her - which utterly kills me)

Enter Martyr stage left. "But I have your birthday present"

I said thanks but no thanks. I would prefer some distance.

She had a MAJOR huffy and drove off.

Thanks to everyone for the birthday wishes!!!! (Esp Atomsk for the gray mare comments. I found one last night. I am blaming it on your sorry ass Atomsk! LOL)

I wish we could all get together in party hats, eat cake and ice cream until we're ready to spew.

Maybe we could even play spin-the-bottle? Hmmmm. Who would I wanna smooch first?

Ok...If you could smooch ANYONE in tblog, who would it be?

First of all... my hot plumber's name IS Matt... Hallelujah!

The aforementioned hot plumber called me this afternoon. (Normally, I would say 'whoopee!") Two and a half hours later, I was begging to suddenly be struck my lightning....

I think I mentioned that he was recently single (a month ago his live-in gf moved out very unexpectedly). They had been dating for 8-9 months. Apparently he is not over her. And he is drinking himself to sleep every night. And he is consumed with jealousy over her. And he keeps hoping they will get back together.

Let me add that I think I should have a pre-recorded greeting when people call for advice warning them that I don't candy-coat things and I tell them like it is... (Kinda like the do when you get a call from an inmate - saying this is a call from a correctional facility? - NOT that I've ever gotten one of those calls!)

Anyway. I told him REPEATEDLY that he had an addictive personality - be it drinking, drugs, activity, or a girl. Her leaving him was a blessing in disguise as it gives him an oppty to focus on himself and get his shit straight.

Insert 90 mins of "I know but... I keep hoping we'll get back together and I know it would never work..."

Worse than a f'ing girl whining over being dumped. Can you say broken record?

I told him to go to AA meetings. I was not someone that could say he was/not an alcoholic - but I thought that it might be a place where he could get some support and perhaps refocus things. I told him this about 10 times. Even said that I would go with him if he wanted me to. I've had plenty of friends that needed support.

Another 45 mins of "I know I have a problem with everything - no song is right, no tv show is right, no drink is enough blah blah blah."

I'm all about being supportive. I asked him if he wanted me to listen or he wanted my advice. He said he wanted my advice. To tell him what he should do. And I did. Did he listen? Nope.

He called 6 hours later to tell me that they went for a walk together. She won't tell him why she moved out and she keeps taking calls on her cell phone saying she 'needed to take the call outside'. (We ALL know what that means!) Bottom line, she likes keeping him in limbo while she can dally with whomever she is dallying with.

Eye candy he is. And that tongue piercing had me licking my chomps. At this point though, I'd rather go out with... Taurus. LMAO 

Last night, I was cleaning the kitchen (exciting Saturday night eh?) and I noticed Sassy, my black cat, staring intently thru the back door. Clearly, something had her attention.

I turned on the lights over the deck.

And there was a HUGE ugly possum. Totally unphased by the lights. Looked like a HUGE rat. Walking around the deck (I guess), looking for food.

I have an 8ft fence surrounding the back yard. How the hell did he get in. He had to weigh AT LEAST 20lbs.

This a.m., I went out in the backyard to make sure he wasn't out there - gave the cats the all clear signal to play.

I live in the city - there are no woods. Where the hell did this critter come from?

And I had just called the cats in not 15 mins before - and had the back door open all day.

What if he had come inside?!??!

Possum stew anyone?

You guys are gonna love this one... I hope it's not confusing.

I met a couple of guys at the concert last Friday night - gave my cell phone and email to. Guy X was someone I thought would be a good professional contact. Guy Y was witty, intelligent and had certain 'je ne sais quoi'. (I had ulterior non-professional motives with him)

So had a great conversation with Guy Y during the week. Talked about getting together Thursday night. I called him yesterday afternoon to confirm we were still on. He said that work called and we'd need to reschedule - and did so for today lunch. I mentioned the VIP tix I had for tonight and he said he'd love to go...

I go to meet him at Starbucks. And I realize that his voice sounded a little odd yesterday afternoon. I had called Guy X about getting together yesterday instead of Guy Y... (Oppps!) And Guy Y was wondering why I never called him yesterday!

So I sat and had a nice chat with Guy X (the professional one) and then called Guy Y and explained my goof. He laughed his ass off and said there was no way I could make something like that up. So Guy Y and I are meeting tomorrow for lunch.

Meanwhile, I'm stuck going to the Psych Furs and Blondie with Guy X tonight... (sigh)

D'OH!

Ladies and Gentlemen,

You will be happy to know that apparently my hammock and I are coming to some common ground. Yesterday I was able to 'mount' said hammock and enjoy the hammock for a few hours yesterday afternoon. I didn't land on the ground until I was ready to dismount. I've accepted the fact that when I get out of it, I'm gonna end up on the floor...

I was supposed to meet 'someone' for drinks/dinner last night but he got paged for a work emergency while we were deciding where to go. So, I stayed in last night... (Needed a break!)

The mom tried a new manipulation technique last night. She started calling around 9:30pm. (Late for her) I saw her on caller id and let it go to voicemail. I didn't need 'no more' drama from her right now. She called again 4 times in the next 90 minutes. The last message said "You called me crying and I couldn't understand you. What is going on?"

Bullshit. I did not so much as even think of calling her last night. I checked my cell phone to see if I had inadvertently dialed her number - nope. I wonder how long it took her to come up with that one...

CP has a date tomorrow (Friday) so for all the single men out there, I'd like to offer some suggestions for you single boys in how to impress a girl (or how not to go down in a flaming crash of embarrassment).

1) Wear clean, matching clothes. No need to go the Granimal matching method but no plaids and stripes together. And don't go TOO casual or too GQ. And wear something you're comfortable in - that's you. We don't want you fidgeting or feeling like you're not yourself the entire evening. A little effort - ie no pizza stains on your shirt or wearing pants that were clearly picked up off the floor - we notice those things. Really.

1a) Bathe. Use soap. Try deoderant. Shave. Use a scent sparingly.

2) Be on time. Not 20 mins early. Not 20 mins late. If you are caught up in traffic or some unforeseen incident - call.

3) Be a gentleman. It won't kill you to open a door or two and pull out a chair. You'll score mega-brownie points. If you really want to impress the lady, ask what she wants to eat and order for her. (If it's appropriate)

4) Don't outlay the baggage. Let's NOT talk about exes and call the "bitches", etc. There are 2 sides to every story and 99.9% of folks you date end up as exes. The bitterness is a flashing red light to us.

5) Don't talk about yourself the entire time. Ask questions about us. And (GASP) listen to what we say. Try interacting on it some. Be interested.

6) Compliment the lady. Sincerely. I don't care if there aren't sparks flying. She took time to get ready (and trust me, she did). Be it her eyes, her watch, something - preferrably detail-oriented. And say something more than "I like your eyes/ass/dress" - say "I like the way your green eyes sparkle in that blue dress that hugs your ass" (Ok, so maybe that will get you slapped, but you know what I mean.)

7) Don't get drunk. and don't encourage her to get drunk.

8  ) If you're having fun, say so.

9) Don't assume you're getting laid. And don't you DARE say "So, are we gonna do it or not?" (I've had 2 guys say that in my dating career - and both would have ended up with drinks in their faces if I had one in my hand)

10) Walk the girl to the door, car, whatever - it's all about courtesy. And if you want brownie points, ask if you can kiss her or call her. (It works)

And last but not least - don't say you're going to call if you're not. Grow some balls and a spine. If it didn't work for whatever reason - say so - be gentle. Perhaps "it was really nice meeting you and I'm glad we had an oppt'y to get to know each other". Leave it at that.

Perhaps we'll have another dating lesson next weekend. Too bad we can't have a camera to follow CP around to critique his performance.

For several years now, I have had an ongoing battle with my mother (aka "The Mother") about my lawn. She insists I'm too weak and don't need to be taxed to mow/edge, etc. I have told her only about a billion times that if I need help with it, I will ask but I do not need her CONSTANT saying "WE need to do your yard" (aka I'm going to do your yard). I've wanted her assistance in trimming some trees in my backyard for months - but it has never happened because she starts in with "I'll also mow and edge while I'm there". And I say "nooooo. the lawn doesn't need it." or something along the lines of "If I need help with it, I'll ask". (One WOULD think that would end the situation but noooooooooooooo.)

So, the mother was coming over this morning to help trim some trees in the backyard. (It's very sloped and requires someone to hold the ladder.) I made it VERY clear that we were ONLY trimming those trees, no lawn work, nothing else and if she mentioned it, that was it and that I would deal with the trees without her assistance.

(Sounds pretty clear and a therapist would pat me on the back for setting boundaries and groundrules.)

She shows up. Says off the bat that she is "wearing long pants so that she can edge afterwards". I tell her that was not part of the agreement and that we were only sticking to trimming the trees in the back yard.

She asks me to print some information about a class-action lawsuit. I do that - in the meantime, she's decided to whack the hell out of a tree in the front yard. (gee, thanks mom)

So off to the back yard.

Let me add that my mother has VERY serious balance problems... She insists on climbing to trim anyway. She can't see what the fuck she's doing.

I interrupt and suggest that perhaps we switch so that I can gain some 'supervised experience' in cutting some of the trees myself so that I can be independent and do it correctly. (That sounded adult, reasonable and healthy - right?)

Her reply was first that she couldn't hold the ladder herself (Total bullshit). Then she said that I was too heavy for the ladder. (Now I am NOT a size 6, but I am NOT even close to 250 lbs and that was a fucking MEAN thing for her to say.) She goes on and on about how she's set aside her day to do my yard -

And I lose it.

I tell her that she cannot do everything for me and that I would be more appreciative if she would guide me and offer me suggestions based on ehr own experience.

She told me to s'stop the bullshit and hold the ladder so she could cut HER tree.

I said "I thought this was MY house?"

At that point I opted to tell her that we were done for the day and that I would manage to get the trees addressed without her supervision.

So she tells me that I'm full of bullshit, that I won't let her trim trees in my yard without me there, but I'll do it myself. (Um, it's MY tree and I don't want it whacked to hell...)

Then she says to open the garage door because she's taking back "HER" ladders. (They were a housewarming gift from her 5 years ago...)

Typical of her - always playing that kind of shit. I said "fine, I'll go buy my own which you can't play this mind shit with."

Only the ladders won't fit in her car.

So she's telling me that she doesn't understand WHY my uncle and I are so difficult to do things for and how unappreciative we are blah blah blah. (Insert martyrdom speech here)

I told her that she was absolutely right. She was utterly perfect and we were the most ungrateful people in the world and that we were always wrong and she was always right and never overstepped our boudaries and listened to what we said.

I told her that perhaps it would be best if we took a break because I really couldn't tolerate dealing with her perfection anymore right now.

Prediction: Long-ass guilt-ridden birthday card in the mail by Monday to me about how she only wants the best for me and doesn't understand why...

Where's the xanax?

I feel blah. Supposed to dinner with someone tonight but think it will be an early evening. I'm having drinks tomorrow night with one of the guys I met Friday night (not in line for the bathroom) and have asked the other if he'd like to join me to see the Psych Furs & Blondie Friday night. They are friends of friends. (And hopefully aren't looking for a concubine...)

Maybe a shower will revive me. I think I'd rather curl up in a very cool room and sleep.

Someone wanna go for me? I'm in no mood to look fabulous tonight. :(

This evening was a new one for me. If it weren't for the 2 large glasses of wine, my jaw would have been on the table...

I met "L" who is a friend of a guy I dated for a while at a bar where we talked for a while. Not my type at all - but witty and interesting. Asked me to join him for dinner (I was starving) so I agreed.

Over dinner he shares that he is married WITH an 8 year old son. He lives in Florida ("practically divorced -wonder what her take on that is?). Up here Mon - Weds night every week for the next year or so. I replied that was 'neat' and perhaps we could have dinner again sometime.

That's when the shoe dropped. First he said how beautiful I am, how piercing my eyes are, blah blah blah. Then he told he had an offer for me. He wanted me to "be available Monday - Wednesday" and he would "take care of all financial needs" I had and "protect" me.

Fortunately, I didn't laugh out loud. I just sat there, eating, while listening and wondering how long he would continue. I would not be permitted to date other men. I could only wear jewelry he gave me, etc.

In the end, I told him I might be taking a break from work, but that was not the sort of set-up I wanted to explore. What is this? I thought, seriously, that it was one of those 'candid camera' shows.

Me? Dependent on a man? NEVAH!

I just don't learn. I 'thought' I was a smart chick. I have 3 degrees, graduated with honors, MENSA, all that stuff...

But apparently, I've met my match...

In the hammock.

For several days, I've tried to gracefully (and not so gracefully) recline, relax and rejuvenate in my newly-purchased hammock. (With spreader bar according to Lynne - which sounds rather kinky to me!)

Yet, my ass continually ends up tossed out of the contraption.

I've tried re-hanging it. Making sure everything is level. Still flips me out. I'm convinced that either the hammock is possessed or there is a unique gravitational deficit under my deck that is pulling on one side of my body. Or that one side of my ass weighs like 30 bls more than the other - but I looked in the mirror, nekkid, and they look exactly the same.

So what did I do today? (Collective sigh from the peanut gallery)

I've gotten a little bit of sun on the front of my legs. Now the back of my legs needed some sun...

So of course, I decided to try laying face down on the hammock.

Brilliant, wouldn't you say?

I WISH you had been there to see me holding on to all 4 corners of the hammock - with my arse in the air - struggling as it wobbled back and forth to steady itself.

Then I had the revelation of "WTF were you thinking????"

But I realized that it was sink or swim time. And thank goodness for all my ab exercises.... I laid down. Face down. And sunned for a while. Scared to death to move, I might add.

Apparently I drifted off to sleep for a while. Woke up, dismounted  (translation: ended up on my ass again) and realized that I now have hammock criss-crosses on my face and chest.

I'm gonna look lovely for my date tonight, aren't I?

Wondering if I'm walking into a nightmare tonight... An ex-bf (the one that keeps sending me pics of him and female friends on vacations all over the world) called me yesterday afternoon. Said he had a friend that he thought I might hit it off with...

(Everyone have a deep collective sigh)

This business associate had seen a pic of me at his place (group diving picture) and had inquired about that fiesty redhead. (I was the only girl in the shot).

So this guy is from Pompano Beach (I think) but will be in town every week thru October and then in town one week a month for another year or so. This guy, "LLoyd", called me last night. Actually rather entertaining. He's too old for my taste (50), but thought I might enjoy meeting him for drinks tonight.

Is my ex 'pimping' me out??? 

Many of you know that I have some 'health issues' - one of which being an adrenal tumor. Causes extreme fatigue as well as memory problems...

Well, you're gonna laugh at this one....

The plumber - I am not sure what his name is. I thought his name was Matt - don't know why - maybe I just automatically assumed every guy I know's name is Mark or Matt.

But when he was leaving Saturday morning, he was recounting a story about a friend who said "Now Ben..."

Or at least I thought he did.

I wrote him a check when he came out at the beginning of the year - but I can't find a copy of it. I wrote his name on that check. And I deleted his phone messages - which might have offered some reference. And his caller ID doesn't show names...

Do you think he'd mind terribly if I ask him what his name is? Other suggestions to casually inquire what his name is? I'm a dork.

I decided to sit outside this afternoon and sun my legs/toes while reading a book. In my hammock.

I now have a theory about my inability to balance in it comfortably.

Apparently, one side of my body must weigh 20lbs more than the other. That would explain why I keep getting tossed out.

Or... earth's gravitational pull under my deck is off kilter?

I can't figure it out. But by dammed if my cats didn't sit there and laugh at me again. No tuna for them!

A couple of months ago, I had blogged about some subtle ways to deter break-ins, including leaving a size 15 pr of muddy workboots at the front door or a sign warning of a boa constrictor loose in the house.

Got another one for you...

Leave a bunch of spent shotgun shells on the back porch.

:)

I'm in a 'mood' right now. Source? Family. (Everyone give a collective sigh)

I don't have a lot of family. I have my mother (who drives me batty, but she's my mom). I have an eccentric genius uncle that lives alone and isn't exactly the touchy-feely- emotional type either. (Where I got it, I have NO idea!) My dad is an ass and 'has a new family now'. No siblings.

I have a male cousin I'm somewhat close to. He had a brain injury 10 years ago and although he's got some challenges, I treat him like a 'normal' person. I take him on trips and got him into scuba. He lives about 5 hours away. His mother is rather, um, a manipulative bitch would be an understatement. (Long story, but trust me!)

His sister lives here in town. She's about 10 years younger than me. We've never been close, despite my attempts to be a big sister figure. Aloof would be a good way to describe her. Reached out to her CONSTANTLY for years. Like hitting a brick wall. I never hear from her unless there's an event which would necessitate me giving her a gift. (Graduation, wedding shower, wedding, baby shower...) I called her last year - geesh - about 10 times over 3 months. Just to see how she was doing, etc. She didn't return one f'ing call!

So for some reason, I wasn't exactly chomping at the bit to go to her baby shower a few months ago. I didn't go. I explained that I wasn't up to it. My mother went. She elaborated on my brain tumor, etc.

Did they call to see how I was doing? (You already know the answer to that)

This morning, my mother called all yappy and excited because my cousin is supposedly in labor. Telling me to get ready to go to the hospital.

Call me jaded but fuck that. We may be related by blood, but my mailman has shown more kindness and gratitude than she has. Blah blah blah - new life, celebration. It's about gifts, flowers, etc.

And I'm not good at faking that I'm overjoyed. I wish them well but I'm tapped - not giving one more ounce of effort towards her. 

After last weekend of men-o-rama, looks like this weekend is turning out to be a dud. No date tonight. :(  There are a few prospects that are still being evaluated as the current crop seems to be withering quickly. (And no, these were not men I met standing in line for the bathroom)

I need to finish my taxes - due Monday. (Yes, an extension was filed) What an exciting night I have planned! Do you think if I do my taxes under the inflluence of say, a bottle of wine, that would be a justifiable defense in court? Taxes Under the Influence?

I have an oppty to do VIP passes again Friday for the Psychedelic Furs and Blondie. Anyone seen them in concert? Worth going? (Aside from the free drinks and tix)

On the upside, my cold seems to have cleared. apparently excessive amounts of beer kill germs and the ebola virus. Who knew?

Have a great weekend!

It's 2:23 a.m.

Diva is home from her date with the hot plumber (who, we might add, is passed out cold on her sofa, shirtless.)

He has been babbling for the past 90 mins straight when all I've been thinking was "I want to make out with you" but apparently, his psychic abilities are non-existent. (sigh)

He has a tongue piercing which has me absolutely transfixed. I want to know what that is all about. I want a smooch dammit! (or two or maybe a few hours of...)

This is f'ing torture to have this hot guy on my couch. Do you think he would notice if I undressed him and snaps some pics?

10:15am Update - He left a little while ago. Got a hug and a kiss on the cheek. He said he wanted to see me again in 2 weeks. (He has his daughter next weekend.) Arrrrrrgh.

The concert was good. It was CHILLY! All the free beer got to me - I was 'a wee bit' tipsy and nature called. The gentlemen's line was shorter and they were kind enough to let me use their facilities. (giggle) And two guys asked for my number while in line. (Not the typical place to pick up a girl!)

Why Do I Not Think sometimes????

1. Paint toes/fingers ravishing fire engine red.

2. Mop floor.

3. Accidentally spill Diet Dr. Pepper on off-white carpeted stairs.

4. Realize that towels, etc require back-tracking over aforementioned freshly mopped floor.

5. Gently 'tip-toe' across wet floor.

6. Bust ass on aforementioned wet floor.

7. Mess up freshly-painted wet nails.

8. Look up to see 2 cats also walking thru wet floor, mocking me.

9. Fuckers.

10. Happy Friday the 13th.

Wrong.

Scientists say the right name can make you sexier.

Linguist Amy Perfors, of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, posted photos of men and women on the U.S. Web site "Hot or Not," which lets viewers rate pictures according to how attractive they find them.

When she posted the same pictures with different names, she found that the attractiveness scores went up and down depending on the vowels, the London-based magazine New Scientist reported.

Men with "front vowels" in their names -- sounds formed at the front of the mouth like the "a" in Matt -- were considered sexier than men with "back vowel" sounds like the "au" in Paul, she concluded.

The opposite held for women, who were sexier with back vowels than front ones.

Perfors said front vowels are often perceived as "smaller" than back vowels, so the difference could be a sign that women are seeking men that are sensitive or gentle, traits usually perceived as feminine.

But men who might be thinking of taking more feminine names to become sexier should be careful not to go too far: men with women's names were rated least sexy of all.

Update:

Diva is going to see Live with the Plumber. Ironically, he has the same name as "M" as well as CyberPal. (Now you know why I don't use real names because it would be confusing as hell)

I called "M" yesterday but he was rather preoccupied. Conversation was maybe 2 mins max. He hasn't returned my call - so ya snooze, ya lose.

I returned the 19inch flat-screen lcd monitor. I am happy with my 15 incher. The other one was too damn big.

I'm still sick as a dog. Fever and crap. I went to the grocery store to get popsicles (Lynne's idea) and the fixin's for more chicken soup - but I got distracted and left with none of it.

I'm going to go crash on the couch. (Hopefully I won't be there for 6 years and have it grow on me!)

Thanks to my pal, the GM of Centennial Park, I'm set up with VIP passes Friday night to see "Live" (the band). Am I excited about the all-access aspect of the pass? Nah. Getting to meet the band again? Nah. It's the open bar! Woooo-Hooo!

Now the dilemma is...who to ask!

"Karl" is into country music (I know...) so I don't think he'd appreciate teh evening.

I could always call George - he was the one that mentioned Live was coming to town. (Insert hysterical laughing here)

Maybe my hot plumber would like to go? He said he'd call me about getting together... I think he might enjoy the music but I think he's into music with a harder edge. (And would me mind me getting totally schnockered for the evening?)

Then there's "M", who I haven't blogged much about. He said he liked Live but he's got a bad knee - on a cane awaiting surgery. I think I need to keep my distance from him. (Unrelated to the knee - deeper stuff that I'm avoiding talking about or even thinking about much)

Maybe it will just rain and I won't have to decide!

Friday night I got FIVE calls from THE CUTE PLUMBER. FIVE. Back and forth between my cell phone and regular phone. It was kinda late so I didn't get the calls....

I called him back yesterday afternoon to find out that he has broken up with his girlfriend of 9 months or so. (awww - seriously! they seemed to be a good match). We chat for about 30 mins. Then the bomb drops - he wants to take me out.

The cute plumber wants to date me~

(He's too young, has a kid, lives in the boonies and is financially not on solid ground - so he's not someone that I would truly date. BUT... I did say maybe we could hook up next week sometime. I'd soooo love to have a smooch AND maybe he could fix that leak in my bathroom. LOL)

Well, well...

Brief update as I have oodles to do this afternoon. "George" called a total of THREE times yesterday afternoon asking if I was interested in doing anything. PLUS he sent two emails making sure I had received his voicemails. ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR GH  You boys... How can you be SO utterly clueless?

Date with Karl was, um, I haven't made up my mind on him. In some ways I find him appealing, in others, I'm ready to move on. Sorry nothing blaringly awful or particularly thrilling to report. I DID spill red wine on my blouse. I felt like a doofus.

"M" called last night as well - rather late - 10:30ish. No voicemail. I called this a.m. We may get together tonight. (I'd REALLY like to see that movie "Open Water")

I finally got around to dragging my new 'portable' hammock out of the box this morning. Piece of cake putting it together.

Decided to give it a test run on the deck. I understand the mechanics of hammocks - sit in the middle about 1/2 way in and slowly take feet off ground. Piece of cake.

However, I have not quite mastered the art of getting out of it gracefully. And might I add, I now have a splinter in the most unusual of places...

Well, I told "George" THREE times on Thursday night that I wasn't sure of my schedule and that I would touch base with him about Saturday night. My ambiguity could not have been more apparent.

So... he just called. I haven't bothered to listen to voicemail yet. I guess I'm going to have to break it to him gently. I'm leaning towards the "I am getting back together wtih an old bf" line. That way, it's nothing against him and there's not much he can do to compete with history.

BTW, date with "Karl" tonight. (giggle)

Fortunately, I got a good 8 hours of sleep last night.

Brief recap from last night...

"George" was just a total inept dork. The seats were great. The first time I've been back to the outdoor ampitheater since I worked promotions there in the 90's. The Barenaked Ladies opened and they were GREAT. I interviewed them eons ago when I was in radio - and I don't recall Ed Stevenson being quite so HOT. Those eyes... UMMMM.

I'm not a fan of Alanis. Apparently she's shed her long-hair look to try to continually be on the 'worst-dressed/fashion faux pas' lists. Ladies, if you are vertically-challenged (ie short), very wide flared pants (especially in neon orange) DO NOT flatter your figure. And she was wearing a sequined shirt that clashed with her glitter-coated guitar. (Too much sparkle). After a song or two of hers, I told "George" I was going to the bathroom. I ran into someone I used to know when I worked there and got ushered backstage. Wanted to see Ed from BareNaked a little closer. Yep, he's HOT. Got a hug and chatted a bit. Scarily enough, he remembered our radio interview from a billion years ago. (RuPaul was in the studio at the time too).

I got back about 30 mins later - explained to "George" that the ladies bathrooms were a nightmare. He told me no less than 3 times what his schedule would be on Friday and how we should get together on Saturday.  First he suggested a dress-up dinner. I said I didn't know what my schedule would be like. Then he suggested going to the lake. I told him again that I didn't know what my schedule would be like. The THIRD time he suggested coming over to my house, cooking dinner and watching movies (We know what THAT means! LOL)

Might I add that he did not make a single move - not a hand hold, arm around me (even though I was FREEZING during the concert and said so!), or a smooch at the end of the date.

I know it's crazy, but I feel nothing for this guy but I still wonder if he's a good smoocher. I know I shouldn't - it would just confuse the issue...

That's the basics.

Oh, and Kat, thanks hearing me "vent" about things last night. She was SO thoughtful to be there for me when I had to get things off my chest. You rule babe!

Well... I met "George" for dinner last night. Let me back up by saying that based on the referral and our phone conversations, he seemed like someone that would be fun to hang with.

I was wrong.

How does "Last Train to Dullsville" sum things up? I hate to use the kiss of death, but he's a 'nice guy'. But the evening was tedious at best. I tried my best to be my bubbly self. I was told I am "totally hot" (which rubbed me the wrong way despite it being well-intentioned) and a variety of other compliments. I can't put my finger on it, but not only was there no sizzle on my side, but it seemed that he is yet another one of those guys that is already figuring mentally how our furniture will merge. He was asking too many questions about my home and garage space, etc.

Yet, I'm going with him today to Alanis Morrissette tonight. Why? I felt bad and didn't want to say that I didn't want to go. He seemed sort of desperate and I thought I'd give him another chance. He was talking about tailgating before the concert. Ok. It's already going to be at least a 5 hour event. Now he wants to go 'before traffic" and hang out in the parking lot of the venue. Now we are talking at LEAST an 8 hour date. (I was ready to throw myself off the nearest bridge after 2 hours last night.)

He's not really into drinking. Neither am I but I think I'm going to start today. Shoot me now. Maybe I can come down with the 24 hour Ebola Virus?

So, revise my last posting. I no longer have the dilemma of juggling 3 men. After tonight, I'll be back to 2.

"George" called a while ago saying that he couldn't do lunch today - he had promised his mother he'd accompany her to some dr appts this afternoon. (Brownie points, eh?) But, he'd really like to take me to dinner. (I had told him yesterday that I was booked this evening because I don't like to commit to a long dinner on a first date - easier to do lunch or drinks...)

So he countered with the Alanis concert. It looks like we're doing dinner tonight and the concert tomorrow now.

Who let all the nice guys in???? Someone! Send me some bad boys. I need bad boys. I cannot deal with these well-behaved, seemingly ideal guys. Maybe "George" will end up pawing me or talking about his ex all night. I haven't googled him. Maybe he's a felon. One could hope...

It's a sick joke Fate is playing on me. A bunch of nice guys. At once.

Remind me never to become an accountant... I had my taxes done by a local CPA that had been referred to me. When I got them back, I happened to peruse them - and found tons of errors - that would have cost me $600! Not to mention the price he indicated on the phone for preparing my taxes was 1/4 of the bill he gave me. He filed an extension without even advising me....

So I told him to screw it. That I would do my own. I photocopied his prepared returns before returning them to him (for a guide). Now I'm filling all this shit out. Arrrrrgh. Papers everywhere. For the record, I have NEVER balanced my checkbook. Never bounced a check either - dealing with numbers, even if it is my own money, has never exactly been something I wanted to fiddle with.

Remind me - my new husband not only has to be good at yardwork and fixing things around the house, but also needs to be able to expertly prepare my taxes.

I have 12 days... I bet I'll procrastinate for 11 more on the finishing touches. I'm 85% complete. I think.

What do you recommend wearing to an audit? (Just in case...)

My freshman year in college, I was dating the love of my life (at the moment) who was at the University of Miami. He was Cuban, romantic, hot and made me totally weak in the knees when he whispered spanish sweet nothings into my ear...

As a side note, I had dated his best friend/cousin for 2 1/2 years previously. He was a dog that tried hitting on all my friends at prom. I called his best friend crying and the romance evolved from there. All summer long we exchanged letters and late-night calls.

I went to Mobile for college. We were determined to find a way to spend some time together and explore in person our feelings. Fall break was approaching... Decided I would fly down to Miami and spend the long weekend with him. Saved my money. Told my mom I was going to the beach with friends for the long weekend...

Flew down. Our first night there, we had dinner in my hotel. Holding hands, gushing, all that sort of stuff. All of a sudden he says "Hon, there's a woman that has been staring at you for a while - she's coming up to us."

"What are you doing here!?!?" my MOTHER says. (Did I mention my mother travels to Miami regularly on business?) "Where are you staying?" Why didn't you tell me you were coming here? You are staying with me."

Shit. What a way to kill a romantic weekend eh?

So I am promptly moved into my mothers suite at the hotel. She's not exactly going to condone an all-night passion-fest with this guy. (She knows him from my former bf)

And, she lays on me a 'curfew' while there in Miami. Now, being a good Cuban boy, he respects my mother. And she tells him that I "am the most important thing in her life and (he) would face the consequences of his actions".

Talk about a mood killer...

Regardless, we made the most of the time my mother was away from the suite. ;)

The next evening was a big one. I was invited to his parent's home for a family dinner - which, as the girlfriend, was a BIG deal. I was young, but we had talked of marriage when I graduated - and he had shared this with his family so this was going to be an interview of mammoth proportions...

Had a 2nd date with "M" last night. (He's the Marathon phone conversation guy). I wasn't feeling great - some new med had me feeling blah. He came over and ended up being very attentive and sweet. Had a smooch or two. Was nice but he has a goatee and it was constantly tickling me. (He offered to shave it for me - WHOA!!!!)

Confusion Level Rising. You guys are supposed to be doing stupid shit that makes it really easy to discard you. All of a sudden, you aren't doing that. Now what am I supposed to do???

Supposed to get together for a late lunch with George. (Set up from a friend - invited me to go see Alanis Morissette tomorrow.)

Hmmm. Dilemmas. Why does dating have to be so confusing sometimes?

"Karl" popped his head out of the woodwork yesterday. The reason I hadn't heard from him was because he was busy doing some sort of system integration with work and there were a lot of hiccups. No mention of the lunch date with a friend on Friday. So perhaps he wasn't being as pissy and pouty as initially perceived. And he asked what my schedule was this week. Told him I was pretty open...

Then the new interest I had the marathon phone conversation with Saturday night and the dinner date Sunday night has me conflicted as well. (Did I give him a nickname? I can't remember!) The conversation was amazing. We have so much in common. Our dinner was enjoyable but he appears to be a little too familiar/intense for our first date. Then again, maybe that sort of thing just freaks me out. And, I am not clear about his job - thinking back, it was somewhat ambiguous. The jury's still out. I just get the feeling that he might be picking out china patterns. He suggested doing something tonight, but I haven't heard anything and I'm not used to being left hanging...

The fix-up gods seem to be active lately. I got an email from my friend "J" (not Tblog J or Saint's J) saying he has a friend that has Alanis tix for Thurs night and thought we might kick it off... This new guy is going to call me in a little while - we'll see if there's some chemistry or if there's a reason he can't find someone to go with him. (His pic is cute - then again, it might be from 10 years ago or it isn't him - but my friend J sent it to me - so it can't be too off, can it?)

I'm used to juggling/dating three men. (Never hiding anything - just not my style to get too entangled.) But I'm feeling taxed lately. Maybe I'm getting old and cranky and losing my touch? Maybe I'm just tired of all the dating crap. Maybe I'm unrealistic. Maybe I'm better off joining a convent.