Okay, I get that Michael Jackson's death was unexpected. He had three kids - so of course that is horrible for them. Yes, he was an amazing musician that significantly influenced a generation and impacted the industry.

But he also was a child molester. He shouldn't be heralded as some sort of innocent artist. If you can seriously believe that serving 'Jesus Juice' to young boys, sleeping in bed with them, luring them in was all a Peter Pan-like syndrome, you are an idiot.

And this 24hr constant news coverage - MTV - I get. But CNN? Fox? STILL? There's a lot more important things going on that can potentially impact ALL of us a lot more. North Korea + mad man + nukes. Trade Caps. Socialized health care.

Barf.

Sitting on sofa. Laptop on lap. Velvet is all over me purring wanting to love while I try to type. She makes me feel guilty. A) I am alive.

B) I am working ridiculous hours. I am fortunate that there are more people wanting to meet with me than times I can schedule. It's a great place to be.

C) I need to close as much biz as possible right now because... going back under the knife.

Yep. Seen three specialists. I have a 'labral tear' in my hip. I thought the doc said I had a 'labial tear'. I looked at him dumbfounded for a second - thinking I only WISH I had had some action 'down there' that would lead to needing repair work! Bottom line is, I have to have arthroscopic surgery. He says it's not a big deal. But I will not be able to drive for TWO weeks and I will have 'months of rehab'. This doc is 'the hip doc' (body part-wise, but he is UBER cute!) I went home and read up on things - all that I'm reading make the recovery process very prolonged and painful. I'm in daily pain already. Part of me wants to get it done asap so I can get healthy.

The other part has concerns about work - telling my boss I'll need to work from home for two weeks... He's going to LOVE that.

And I have a feeling heels are going to be... out of the picture for a while. Oh my.

I've been asked to speak tomorrow at a medical seminar about Internet marketing. I'm honored. Excited about it. And then I'm indulging myself with some sand.

I hate the word anniversary. Especially when it comes to the rape. It was four yeas ago. If it wasn't for a couple of unrelated events, I wouldn't have even connected it.

That's what sucks about events like that.

You think everything is okay. You've done countless hours of counseling, self-reflection. You think you are getting past it when something incredibly completely innocuous occurs.

And it puts you in a tailspin. Something like someone coming up behind you and touching you on the shoulder. The 'floaty' feeling of nitrous oxide at the dentist reconnects you with the drugged feeling during the rape and you freak out.  Or wondering about men - I think that's why I still cling (in varying degrees) to Hot Stud. He's proven himself - he's 'safe'.

I no longer feel like I have to disclose on a first date that I was raped. That was an evolution. It's something that I would certainly disclose to any man I am intimate with - because something simple as a hand on my throat can still send me into a full-fledged panic attack.

But we all have traumatic events in our lives. Some believe we are never given more than what we can handle. I don't subscribe to that. However, we have a choice. We can let an event beyond our control our future. Those events will influence us.

I hate the fact that what Todd (the rapist) did to me - so significantly changed WHO I am. He 'got away' with it. The police chose not to pursue it. In the deposition last fall, he lied and contradicted himself so ridiculously that I was dumbfounded that his attorneys could keep a straight face.

We were moving forward to a trial date.

And he files bankruptcy - listing me as a creditor.
Now mind you, there's been no judgment, no settlement, nothing.
But with one stroke of a pen, a Judge that has never even read the case or knows about what HE did to me, erases it all.

So he gets away with it yet again.

Still, I believe in karma. I wish that fate will yield me the opportunity to have a front row seat when it comes around for him.

It no longer hangs over my head as a word I would use to define myself - but the event still defined me more significantly than anything else in my life. I hope one day that I will have a positive defining event by another man that will help refine that definition.

Until then, I am still me. They say that a bone broken grows back stronger - and I feel like I was very broken, even destroyed - in some ways I am still me. I feel stronger in some ways but also still feel incredibly fragile.

Yet there are moments when I smile and laugh - it is genuine - those moments mean so much more nowadays.

And that is a good thing.

My coworker - the one that was urgently looking for an inpatient rehab program in February, was having drunk sex with strangers in bar bathrooms, then 'fell in love' with a female friend's former bf that lived many states away. He was a dork - two weeks ago, he dumped her via text saying he 'met the woman he was going to marry' that weekend.

Lovely. She was devastated. They'd spent two weekends together. She confided that he was a pothead - loser - had no job...

I suggested that she might want to take a break from romance - focus on her. She's got some issues. She agreed.

So she meets another guy here locally - had a date with him three days after being dumped. She's already smitten with him. Drinking involved.

She insists that she's going to 'take it slow' with him. (Yeah, right.) She's already obsessing if she doesn't hear from him texting/calling every few hours. She's not going to get naked with him - she swears.

Which explains why she had an emergency lunchtime Brazilian wax yesterday before their date last night. She has to call me and tell me she's in love and going to have sex with him.

She texted/called this morning to tell me how fabulous it was.

I'm really not interested in hearing it because I know it isn't going to end well.  I give it until the end of the month to crash and burn. One cannot have a solid relationship when someone is so shaky and unstable - she's looking for someone (or something) to fill voids she can't do herself.

And until she does, she's doomed for more disaster.

.

Mad crazy week where I didn't stop. Since I set 18 appts the week before, I had to go on them. A few I pushed off because of time. I was at meetings or networking events from 7am - 8pm and then doing work/emails on campaigns in the evening. I have so much work to do this weekend too.

 But it was uber-productive. I closed five deals. Two were first time visits.

I also made my presentation on Friday afternoon to the board for a really large ad agency. It went really well. I should expect them to start off small with me, but we will be expanding into other markets. It was fun.

Hot Stud and I were going to go to an Arabian farm's party, but it's rainy and he's having more family drama. Tomorrow I'm supposed to see Radio Boy but I'm not feeling it. I'm grateful the weather is icky this weekend - I can lay low and chill while catching up on work.

I would have loved to hang with Hot Stud (friendship-wise) but it wasn't in the cards.

I have a coworker that we'll call Bess.
She ALWAYS wears pants.
She's fairly trim but she is pear-shaped.
(Guys, that means she has a largish butt and thighs)

No one is perfect.
(Myself included)

but she wears these pants that are tight-ish and you can clearly see the cellulite in her ass/thighs.
I'm not close to her, otherwise I might share with her the wonders of Spanx.
She played the boss' pet this week, writing on the white board.
I couldn't concentrate on what the discussion was about.
I felt like the hosts from "What Not to Wear" reviewing the secret footage.

I know this is catty, but I had to get this off my chest.

Crazy week. Busy with work stuff. No real time for 'life'.

I had lunch yesterday with a man I met at a networking event a few weeks ago. I think there was some chemistry when we first met. Then our lunch yesterday was more 'business-focused' but there was still some 'zing' there.

He's divorced. Has kids that he said he sees far too little. He loves his dogs too.

He said I was getting his business. I'm sorta hoping for something more. ;)

I was approached about doing some writing professionally as a guest editor. Not sure. I would love to get some articles published in print magazines... Still, the offer was flattering.

I think I spoke to the "former roomie" for a total of 3 minutes this week - he said he'd call me back (and of course never did). I'm not chasing. I'm not even reaching out. He feigns he's 'withdrawn' but he's going out with his guy friends. I totally hate the crap when I have to be a stick in the mud when someone isn't behaving well.

Nothing else super-exciting to discuss.

Okay, here's the short version of my rant about the most unstable nutcase client I've ever encountered...

I attend a lot of networking events. From county chamber breakfasts, lunches, evening events and a variety of groups large and small. I've done this for years. I meet people, tell them what I do, learn what they do so that perhaps we can refer business. If you are in Atlanta and need a professional in any field, I can connect you.

I also get a lot of referrals. I have a nickname related to the type of services I offer but I won't say it here to keep my anonymity. I hate the nickname but I've learned to embrace it because when someone mentions it - there is an immediate connection.

I've crossed paths with a woman that I don't like for years. Her version of 'networking' is to approach you and say something like "I can help you lose 25 lbs." First thing out of her mouth. My thoughts are "F*ck you." She does this to EVERYONE. All she does is push her stuff, never asking what you do or if she can refer business to you. It's all about her.

I try to be cordial to those types but I've avoided her at all costs. She's sort of 'known' for being like that. Completely what networking is NOT about.

Several months ago, I am at a lunch where we all stand up and give a 60 second summary of what we do and who a good referral for us is. Immediately after the lunch, she corners me and says she HAS to speak to me. (We have monthly minimums and I was pretty sure she wouldn't be spending that much on her own or be willing to spend it herself.)

I set up an appt at her 'office'. It's a home. I am quite knowledgeable about what I do, and it is fascinating - in contrast to most of my team mates, I'm not a 'sales person' - I educate people. And this lady was requiring a remedial-level lesson.

So she's a hypnotist. And there's a couch for her clients to lay down on for a session. Right next to the head of the couch is a litterbox. And the place REEKS of cat.

She wants to focus on stress release, weight loss, stopping smoking, yada yada yada. I tell her that there is a monthly minimum and even with that minimum she couldn't go after ALL those areas. So she wanted to focus on stress relief.

I explained to her that she will need to let me handle it. (She's an uber-control freak.) I didn't want her as a client but, she was desperate to come on board. (And her website was atrocious) I told her that she'd need to make some minor adjustments - her site was like a painted-whore - too painted up and was confusing to visitors. (I didn't say that but I told her we'd need to clarify the message, have a clear call to action, etc.)

She wanted me to review this with her husband, who was a 'marketing professional'. (In reality,  he's a multi-level marketing cretin that doesn't know his butt from a hole in the wall.) He wanted to know how much I would pay him for his referrals. I told him I don't work that way. (And all of his clients have the same template horrible websites.) Totally arrogant and completely wrong in a multitude of different data that he professed to know. Trying to tell me that me, certified industry professional with over 12 years of experience managing more than 20x monthly budgets than him - he was just so darn arrogant. Total A-type power-tripper. (And "A" stands for A-hole)

So we're taking over her campaign. She's calling me ALL the time. 6:30 am. Weekends. I tell her she has to relax a bit - let me do my job. Reassured her. Sent her detailed email about what to expect. I kept reassuring her, acknowledging and empathizing. But the woman would not let up. Her tone in VM's was completely unacceptable. I let my ass't listen to them - she was dumbfounded. Customer had been running for a week and was apparently expecting the phone to be ringing off the hook instaneously.

She called on a Monday morning 5x during our weekly meeting. I had tried to encourage her to email or text me so that I could research/handle things without playing phone tag. She said she didn't communicate well with email or texting - that she needed the personal attention of voice communication. The urgency of her calls? She had gotten a phone call on a Sunday - and she doesn't work on Sundays. Um, okay. 

Wanting to personally review her campaign. Telling her to chill. (I've spent more time with her than I have my other 30+ clients collectively in the first 3 weeks.) I'll leave the hypnotism to her, and she needs to let me do what she's hired us to do.

She calls into the office and gets my ass't. Talks really rudely to her too (and my ass't has the patience of a Saint.) My ass't forwards to my boss. (I've already spoken to him about her - telling him I don't know how else to please this woman. She is SO high-maintenance. He tells me I haven't sold her enough. I've spent HOURS and HOURS going over this with her.)

She is supposedly helping people relieve stress and seek peace and serenity in their lives. Yet she is screaming at me, my ass't, and I don't know what she said to my boss. The woman is supremely the most unhappy discontent person I've encountered (except her husband). I feel sorry for the woman. I have been acknowledged for having the highest client retention in the office - but I wanted to strangle the woman.

In the end, while I was on medical leave, she called into our corporate office. They got so fed up with her incessant insanity that they fired her. We told her we would not do business with her further. Refunded her money. Seriously. I chuckled.

The Turkish Photog had expressed interest in going to see the Terracotta Army on Sunday. He texted me saying he was driving back from Charlotte (assuming he was seeing the girl he 'broke up with' and claimed he was only seeing because she would boink him).

He used some other phrase-ology, but you can figure it out. It rhymes with 'cluck'.

The he suggests I 'cum' over to see him and 'talk about things'.
Um, no.

I told him, that in no uncertain terms, I would never be available to him for a hook-up. That should I ever want to hook-up, that I have someone else that would always be my first choice.

And that we should save ourselves the trouble and quit interacting. That I was deleting his number/email. Asked him to do the same and quit contacting me.

He replied something about a 3-some with his girlfriend.
I didn't really read it. I wished him luck with that and deleted his contact info.
This should be the end of it.
I hope so.
I'm REALLY REALLY over it.

If only that guy, Max, from Dancing with the Stars would get eliminated so I wouldn't have to see him on tv.
(Turk Photog is a dead ringer for him)
 

Knocked out my domestic duties this morning, vacuuming, trash, laundry since I am up at 5:17 am.

Those of you that have been reading my postings for a while will have to join me on a walk down memory lane...
I (briefly) dated a guy named "Ned".
I was really starting to fall for him.
But I was dumped.
Via email.

Moved on.
He did too.
He quickly got in another relationship.
He's now married + child with her.
Fine. Happy for him.

But she was reading/commenting on my blog.
I found that quite...creepy.
I have never met her - but I emailed him and said I would appreciate it if she would leave my blog alone.

Fast forward.
My boss sends me invites for LinkedIn every other week.
I don't want him to know who I know.
So I just ignore the requests.
I thought I might as well check to make sure he isn't following me on Twitter.
(1/3 of my Tweeps are venting about him)
I am dumbfounded to see that "Ned" is following my Twittering.

Huh?
I haven't spoken to him in 4 years.
We exchanged an email via LinkedIn a year or so when I saw an announcement of his child's birth.
Told him I was happy for him.

Regardless,I blocked him from following me on Twitter.
Just too creepy.
And then I went on my 'other' blog and wrote about it.
I wrote how it was just creepy that he'd (for whatever reason) would follow me.

Hop on the other blog to update and see that I have a comment on the last posting about the Twittering. And it's from him! He writes a lengthy response about how he AND his wife are following me - how I'm a really interesting writing and they enjoy following my life.

Seriously?

Please... Someone tell me. Is this NOT creepy?

Copy the link and paste it if it doesn't work directly. You'll laugh.

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Yesterday, via text, the roomie (because i don't know what else to call him) suggested we catch a movie today.
He still won't explain WTF happened last week - other than saying that it had 'nothing' to do with me and that 'sometime' he'd 'tell me about it'.

I figured we would get into it with the movie.
And I also really didn't expect him to follow through.

But this am, during a torturously long sales meeting about 'character', he texts me inquiring what movie I wanted to see.
We agreed on one.
I told him that, for beginnings of penance, he'd have to buy whatever I wanted from the concession stand.
And then I reminded him that one needed to arrive on time to see the movie.

He actually texted me to let me know he would be at my house in 10 mins. (And believe it or not, he was almost on time)
I was a little overdressed for a movie - tight pencil skirt and 4 inch heels
That made it really hard to actually hoist myself into his Excursion gracefully.
We made it to the movie on time. (Shocking!)
Watched the movie.

He kept complimenting  me on how hot I looked.
I told him it's a shame he didn't catch the outfit I had on for him last Friday.
He apparently really liked the shoes.
And apparently, my legs looked really good too (according to him).

So during the movie, he started running his hand along my legs. (Good thing I shaved this am!)
I didn't want to get into a discussion in the movie, but I texted him that he was still up shit creek with me.
He texted back that he was really sorry and wanted to make it up to me.
(Not a smooch at the movie!)

I let him hold my hand on the walk back to his truck as I re-hoisted myself into the vehicle.
He dropped me off after the movie.
I asked again what went down last week - he didn't want to get into it.
Long hug - we both had to get back to work.

And he has some explaining to do before this confuses me further.

Back to work on Wednesday. I had "only" 961 emails. Fortunately, I had warned my customers that I wasn't going to check email, so that kept the volume down.

My boss hasn't said three words to me other than "What can I do to help you?" as I'm on my cell phone running out the door for an appt.

My boss' boss came over to my desk, sat down and had an actual conversation with me.

Feel overwhelmed and pressured. Not going to get stressed out though.

Saw the infectious disease doc for a follow-up yesterday. He said the MRSA (Staph infection) is still in the tissue of my body on my leg/bone. It would always be there. If I bumped my leg there, it could release it into my blood stream and get to my brain or lungs. This could happen 4 weeks from now or 20 years from now.

Great. Thanks doc.

I was really zonked yesterday - came home and was asleep by 6:00pm. Woke up feeling pretty good at 4:30am. It's 6am, already had breakfast, made my lunch, painted my toes/fingers, did some journaling and reading online.

Last day of my medical leave. I'm torn about going back to work - I loathe my boss and the micro-management and time-wasting hoops we have to hop through.

I've heard through the grapevine that they are cutting a lot of the senior sales people that have higher salaries if they don't step things up pronto. (Guess that includes me.) I haven't checked email in a month - I usually get about 80 emails a day. (Do the math.)

I would have liked to have taken a vacay - but the whole roomie thing up in the air kept me in limbo. Either I'll have to close some major deals to get some beach time or if I get canned. (How sad is that?) I already have 2 weeks prepaid of beach condo time that I have to take b4 November.

I feel so so but allergies are kicking my butt right now. I can barely keep my eyes open from the pollen. I've kept my windows closed and haven't stepped outdoors in three days. I'm taking Patanol, Benedryl, Clariton, Flonase. It ain't cutting it.

While he was scooting back into those leather pants, I took a few shots of his house.

I thought you'd enjoy.
His bedroom was exactly how I pictured it...

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Ok, I didn't have wild monkey sex with him. Not even sex. Met him ages ago and he oozes sex. I thought you'd appreciate the peek...

Last night, RadioBoy and I decided to come up with a drinking game to keep the "Presidential News Conference" tolerable. Every time Obama said "Uh", we were to take a shot. Now I had Jack Daniels around, and I wasn't going to do shooters. So I was mixing it with lime juice and Diet Sprite. I had already had 2.5 'shots' but the count was over 14. I lost track and I said I quit. That was 8 minutes in.

Today, I discovered the ultimate greatest cat combination ever. Organic extra strength catnip and A LASER POINTER!!! I have laughed so hard, I've cried. Seriously. Tux is the total catnip stoner cat. Velvet gets a little buzz and gets racey. Every once in a while Tux goes to chase the laser, but he runs straight into the wall. O.M.G. I called RadioBoy to tell him about it. I was laughing so hard, he asked if I was smoking anything. (seriously) I do feel a little buzzed from the 'nip.

Got a trim yesterday. (It's been since October, so not sure if 'trim' is accurate.) It's supposed to rain, so she used some industrial-strength gel and reinforcements to keep hair from frizzing - but it made it flat and dull. However, the cut itself wasn't traumatic.

Then I indulged in a student massage for $25.
And since I had donated so many shoes to Goodwill, I bought one new pair. They are hot.

I also gave myself a pedicure - this '60 second nail polish'. It's supposed to dry in 60 seconds. Then I showered, beautified, and then put on my stockings - at least 20 minutes later. Totally false advertising because it stuck to my stockings.

My new roomie landed in Atlanta yesterday. He's spending a few days with his mom. I'm thankful for the delays on his side because the amount of cleaning I've done has been legendary. And I'm worn out.

I got the PICC line out on Tuesday. (Yay!) I'm STILL having insomnia problems. I haven't slept more than 3 hours a night now since the end of January. Dr. wrote a prescription for Ambien CR - insurance didn't approve it. They offered regular Ambien instaed. (And we know what regular Ambien does to me...)

Hot Stud came over Thursday night, bearing different sleeping pills - he was zonked from traveling all day. Fixed dinner and we watched a movie. I had asked if he'd be cool with hanging until I fell asleep. (I was optimistic. About sleeping.) Apparently he decided that he was going to stay the night. I took Lunesta (a double dose). Still didn't sleep much, but it was nice to have him nearby. There was no nakedness or fornicating involved. Snuggling. I guess he heard me when I said in my emails that I felt our relationship had been reduced to him 'rescuing' me or sex. I wanted to spend some down time together. So I guess that was his way of doing it. 

Still cleaning house. Slowly but surely. I have (no exaggeration) 14 large garbage bags for Goodwill - purses, 35+ pairs of shoes, blankets, bedding sets, throw pillows, kitchen stuff... And I'm not done yet.

The future roomie is delayed - closing on his house. He's mentioned the 'sexines' of my drug-dialing yet again. I'm refraining from having a 'discussion' about it until we're face to face. I have to bite my tongue not to say to him that the Ambien had nothing to do with my 'sexiness'.

I'm grasping at straws with the sleeping issues. I'm afraid I'm going to end up overdosing trying to create some magical medicinal potion to knock me out. I'm not doing caffeine after 10am, taking melatonin, staying relaxed in the evenings, making sure I'm not taking any other types of stimulants... So far, 4 Benedryl gets me 3 hours of sleep but leaves me dragging the next day. Upside, I have no appetite.

Other things to update, but we'll leave that for another day.

Okay, so the Turkish Photographer had texted back and forth about getting together for breakfast Saturday morning before the drug-dialing I had done Wednesday night. Hadn't heard a response from an email and phone call apology on Thursday.

Texted him once more apologizing yesterday.
And he replied.
Asking if I still wanted to meet Saturday.
I said yes.
He wanted to meet at a park nearby.
I replied that I was raining 3+ inches Friday and another 3+ inches Saturday, that it wasn't a great  park day.
I suggested a local coffee-esque place.
He feigned he didn't have money for breakfast.
I said he didn't have to eat, that I was going to just have coffee.
More money woes on his end.
I told him that I was happy to buy him a cup of coffee or he could just stare at me drinking mine.

(I knew something was up. We're talking $1.50 cup of coffee?)
He suggested we just have breakfast at my place.
I am NOT cooking for his ass.
And that was a lot more involved than a cup of coffee.

Then the REAL story came out.
He says, in passing, about how horny he is.
Ding Ding Ding.

I told him that if he was looking to get laid, that he shouldn't bother with breakfast.
Then he said that wasn't what he meant.
I told him that I would meet him for coffee, but there wasn't anything else going to happen - that I had other things to do that day.

He assured me that it was cool.
I texted him an hour before we were supposed to meet, confirming the location.
5 mins before we're supposed to meet, he replies one word...
NO

I knew that he was trying to manipulate me to hook up at my house. When I told him there was NO chance of it. He bailed. I didn't even respond. Not going to.

So Lady G, he's all yours.

I had a crappy day yesterday. Clients being major pains in the asses. Mortified at the fall-out from the Ambien-dialing. (And no, I haven't heard a peep from the Turk.)

I went home around 3pm, got in jammies, took several muscle relaxants and crawled into bed.
At 5pm, BP/Hot Stud called. Confirming we were on for dinner last night.
I hadn't heard anything else back from him, so assumed it wasn't going to happen.
I told him I wasn't really feeling like going out.
So he asked if he could come over to talk.

So we talked. Things are good. I didn't go into everything, but (as I know) he tends to keep stuff inside and deal with it on his own. I know it's uncomfortable for him to talk about something so 'personal', but he really made an effort. I have felt that me always relying on him led to an unbalance in our friendship - which led me to feel obligated. I don't feel that way anymore.

He saw how exhausted I was and we got into bed (dressed) and he told me to snuggle up on his chest. It was nice. He stroked my hair and massaged my neck to try to get me to sleep. And he fell asleep.

After about an hour, hugs and he left to do some work. 

I haven't slept more than 3 hours a night in more than a month. I'm exhausted. Last night I broke down and took Ambien.

If you've seen the Ambien commercials, you've seen warnings about sleep eating and driving.

Add to the list... Ambien-dialing.
It's kinda like drunk dialing, except you have utterly NO recollection of it in the morning.

I called the Turkish Photog. Repeatedly. (Based on caller id) Can't tell from my phone how long the calls were. No memory of it.

Then it gets worse.

I called a guy friend that I've known since I was in college radio. He is moving back to Atlanta THIS weekend. Apparently I left him a rather racy voicemail. Then I guess I redialed instead of hitting the end call button and he saw me calling back and thought it was important. And apparently we had a risque conversation.

Me. No memory. I see on caller id I called.

This morning, he calls me. I ask how the packing is going. Something is VERY different in his voice. I told him I'm sorry that I called him - I didn't mean to. He said he was "REALLY" glad I did. And I could do it whenever I wanted and he REALLY wanted to see me this weekend because we discussed some "REALLY" hot stuff.

My jaw dropping.

I told him it was unintentional. I'm sorry. Forget it happened.

He said he couldn't. That he's listened to the voicemail... repeatedly. And he couldn't wait to see me.
And he's sent more texts affirming that.

I'm mortified. Beyond tears. When I took the Ambien, I turned my ringer off and put the phone in the bottom of my nightstand. But still...

I haven't slept more than 3 hours a night in more than a month. I'm exhausted. Last night I broke down and took Ambien.

If you've seen the Ambien commercials, you've seen warnings about sleep eating and driving.

Add to the list... Ambien-dialing.
It's kinda like drunk dialing, except you have utterly NO recollection of it in the morning.

I called the Turkish Photog. Repeatedly. (Based on caller id) Can't tell from my phone how long the calls were. No memory of it.

Then it gets worse.

I called a guy friend that I've known since I was in college radio. He is moving back to Atlanta THIS weekend. Apparently I left him a rather racy voicemail. Then I guess I redialed instead of hitting the end call button and he saw me calling back and thought it was important. And apparently we had a risque conversation.

Me. No memory. I see on caller id I called.

This morning, he calls me. I ask how the packing is going. Something is VERY different in his voice. I told him I'm sorry that I called him - I didn't mean to. He said he was "REALLY" glad I did. And I could do it whenever I wanted and he REALLY wanted to see me this weekend because we discussed some "REALLY" hot stuff.

My jaw dropping.

I told him it was unintentional. I'm sorry. Forget it happened.

He said he couldn't. That he's listened to the voicemail... repeatedly. And he couldn't wait to see me.
And he's sent more texts affirming that.

I'm mortified. Beyond tears. When I took the Ambien, I turned my ringer off and put the phone in the bottom of my nightstand. But still...

Insomnia continues. I haven't slept more than 3 hours a night since early Feb. So I'm reading online - laptop on my tummy.

Tux came on top of me, plopped down, paws on either side of my face, stretched out, huge yawn, gives my nose a kiss and starts snoring again.

And to think I want to kill him from time to time. Uber cute when they in in this mode.

So I am taking medical leave from work starting Monday. I don't get paid salary, but I do still get commissions so I'll have some income.

My boss' boss has been cool about it. I shared with him how challenging it has been to try to get my boss' attention to discuss it and him having me on speakerphone with someone else in his office during the discussion about my personal health matters wasn't kosher with me. I told him that I was bringing this up as a 'coaching opportunity' for my boss.

But my boss showed his 'sensitivity' yet again. Middle of the office yesterday he asks me when I was going to take leave. (I've not discussed it with him because I can never get him alone and in theory, he, as my manager SHOULD have brought it up as an option a month ago.) I told him I was starting on Monday, that I was focusing on closing deals and making sure clients were up to speed.

He asks how long I'm going to be out. I told him I wasn't sure - that the point was to get my healthy. He asked "Two weeks? Two months? What?"

I told him that was up to my doctor. That I wanted to be back to work ASAP.
He asked again. "How long?"
I told him again, that would be up to my doctor - that I hadn't spoken to him since the last round of testing on Friday.

Insensitivity anyone?

They are continuing the IV infusions for another week. Tired of it. I don't feel better. I think it's irritating my bladder b/c I feel like I have a UTI but I don't. And I have to take meds for a yeast infection every other day or else it comes back raging. Not to mention the PICC line hurts like a frickin' beast, is uncomfortable, yada yada yada.

I see the doc on Tuesday.

I am having a bad hair day.
I catch my stockings on the velcro on my laptop case and tore a huge hole on my calf.

I check my horoscope - no mention of it being a day for the crapper.

I go to my 10am appt and he says it is scheduled for tomorrow.
(I am already booked for tomorrow. We did the appt anyway)
I have the pain in the ass customer sending me emails constantly and calling DEMANDING that I call her back.
We have an all-hands company-wide call today from 11am - 2pm. I replied via email to her that if she can fill me in via email, I can help her much faster. She replies that she HAS to talk to me. And calls repeatedly. I am not going to jump at each demand she makes.

Another client pays via check. I never take checks because it's a pain to track them down. I notified her 2 weeks ago that I'd need to get a check. Calls, emails and drive bys. NOTHING. Then she sends me this message saying that 'your priorities are not my priorities.' I should just send her to collections.

Then this guy that I've been interacting with - on the phone it's great but he gets totally pissy via text. Jumping on assumptions and accusations. I told him that perhaps we should just not text each other and only talk via phone.

Yet another client that has NEVER responded to an email or phone call since they signed up four months ago suddenly calls me four times in the matter of two hours.

About to head in to be the human pincushion. If I could drink, I would when I get home today. But no booze on these antibiotics.

I really just want to cry or get a hug from someone that means something to me. But that ain't happening.

New Day. New Attitude. I promised myself that I wouldn't be going on and on about this.
Not saying that I might have hiccups. I'm not a cold-hearted bitch. It's not going to be easy to interact in the beginning in a new way. He'll not notice the struggle, I"m good at keeping those in check.
I just can't believe that I have spent over three years, for lack of a better word, fixated.

Realized that I have to return the Xmas gift I got him... it's inappropriate now.

I need me some coffee. I need a pedicure too. If I hadn't been dealing with the medical stuff, I'd be packing my bags for a vacation... Remove myself from the situation for a while....

Not an option right now. I can focus on cleaning the house up for my new roomie.

Decided that I don't need to keep some reminders around.
Deleted all the pictures of him, pictures of 'us', pictures he took of me.

No need to keep it around.

Deleted emails I had written but never sent.
Emails exchanged between us.
Writing assignments he gave me.

Unlike previous times I've wrestled and struggled with my feelings for him, this time it is different.
No pictures to pine over. (Except one at the office and one in my purse... Will nab those.)
Nothing to keep me tied to him.
It's not bitterness. I'm not. I'm just glad that I've (FINALLY) seen the light.

My friends that are probably exhausted of hearing about 'him' can now rejoice.
I'm sure there will be some growing pains, but I'll adjust to this.

He has a key to my place. Think its best that I change the locks.
Why? I wrote about how I had fantasized about him coming to me in the middle of the night, letting himself in.

It was something he had asked me to write about)
In the past when I told him I was dating someone else, that was the time that he'd get more persistent.
So to avoid any chance of that happening again, think it's better if he didn't have that access.

And I think that I'm going to take a Hot Stud vacation. I can take a break from sending him leads, introductions and reviewing things for him.

Lastly, time to put the "Hot Stud" nickname to rest. I'll have to marinate on what the new name will be. (And should you decide to submit a suggestion, be nice. He's a great guy, but not my guy.)

I just finished a long posting and it disappeared. Perhaps its fate.

Everyone knows I've been madly in love with Hot Stud for almost three years. It's never been a 'normal' relationship. I recognized from the beginning that he's truly an exceptional man in every way. Despite working in a company whose focus was relieving stress, he was the most stressed out person I knew.

Then out of the blue, he sold it and announced he was going to pursue his passion of photography.
But then once again, he's been focusing all of his energy on launching his new company. We talk most days but at best, I see him once a month. Saw him last month for about a half-hour when I was in the area seeing a client. In December, he visited me in the hospital and he came to a client party so I could introduce him to some key people. November, we spent a few hours together where when I casually mentioned that I had gotten a booty call, his head jerked around. It was clear it caught his attention. That night he said to me that he wasn't sleeping with anyone else and would tell me if it changed. I told him I wasn't either.

(Do I believe that? I don't know. He's never misled me but I find it rather hard to believe that he's put his libido on the back burner. Particularly when I know he's working with lots of young hot 'eager' models.)

He's always been very clear that he has no patience for manipulation. I've never done/said anything to try to get him to do things. (This is particularly relevant for my current quandry.)

Last Friday, the doc cleared me for sex. I IMMEDIATELY called him. He said he was busy with shoots and family drama last weekend. Now it's Thursday. I again asked him about getting together this weekend, being more direct, saying that I was incredibly horny. His response was that he had more shoots and family stuff, "maybe Monday night."

Always put on back burner. I'm tired of being there. I realize where I stand and where I'll always stand with him. I'm an afterthought at best.

There's a guy I dated that is ready and willing to 'take care of things'. Is it my style? Not really but at the rate Hot Stud will come around, it's likely to be July.

And, based on what he said about not sleeping with anyone else, should I notify him of my decision before or after the fact? Am I obligated? And would it be a reality check for him, too late, if I don't tell him now because he'll feel like I'm telling him that just to (pardon the pun) get a rise out of him? I'd like to have a discussion, but his (pardon another pun) head isn't in the right mindset. Then again, he's never really in the right mindset for discussions.

I have his xmas gift that I haven't given to him yet. I'm tempted to write him a note about what I'm feeling and leave it at his house without annoucement. But again, I don't want to distract him from work, family etc.

The mom is stalking me. Again.

She's been sending notes several times a week in the mail. She's been sending me emails at least once a week (I have never acknowledged them to confirm she has the correct address.) She's been coming to my home on an almost daily occurance, sliding notes under my garage door and front door.

The notes say they miss me. Want to make sure I'm okay. (She doesn't know about the hospitalization or other stuff.) She wants to give me a large sum of money which (I told her a year ago that I wasn't interested in it - that she could give it to charity or whatever.) Then she's threatened to consult an attorney 'to take action'.

Via her regular visits, she can see mail/newspapers are retrieved, that trash cans are put out regularly and retrieved. So clearly I'm not dead at the foot of my stairs (which is what she used to say her fear was).

It's pretty clear that I don't want contact with her. I've told her as much, I've purposely not responded to the increasing frequency of attempts to contact me. She's trying various methods to get me to respond. Money doesn't work with me.  I don't want her to think if she does X that I'll interact with her.

So I've crafted this note to her - haven't mailed it yet. Still marinating on it. I want to let her know that I care but I just can't have her in my life right now. She's never respected boundaries I've set before, so I don't expect her to respect them now - if she doesn't back off, I might have to threaten to get a restraining order again.

"I appreciate the financial offerings, but as I indicated repeatedly in counseling last year, Based on past experiences, I prefer to keep money out of the equation. I wish that I could interact with you without being emotionally destructive. Unfortunately, I'm not in that place. You taught me to look out for myself and that's where my attention needs to be. Although the pain of not intereacting with you is evident, it is less disruptive than interacting with you. I hope one day that won't be the case. However, that time is not now. You are in my heart and thoughts always."

I feel like crap to say that - but it's a lot better than the chaos, fights, drama and crap of having her in my life.

Another check up this morning with the dermatologist.
Kuato (what I've named the infected cyst on my leg) Kuato is from the movie "Total Recall" - that 'leader' of the revolution that was the 'thing' growing out of the guy's stomach...) is not as hot and protruding but it's still oozing lots of gross stuff.

Dr. 'numbed' around it starts digging out more infected tissue and squeezing it kinda like a huge zit.
The pain is changing - it's getting deeper and burning.
He said that it's not improving as much as it should. I'm wondering if he's out of his league with this because he keeps saying this is 'exceptional' and 'really serious' but other than a culture done on the first visit. Back on Wednesday for more abuse. He said he might have to remove some of the infected tissue surgically.

I talked to two different friends that have had serious incidents with MRSA/Staph. Both expressed concern as why the docs haven't suggested seeing an infectious disease specialist - as this is not something a gynecologist and dermatologist treats regularly.

Both of the these friends had the staph come back much worse and they were on long-term antibiotics afterwards.

Home. Drugged up. I just want this fixed so I can be healthy.

I like to keep my personal/professional life separate. I don't hang with co-workers and keep an amicable but distant relationship.

I wonder why she reached out to me. I know that recognizing/dealing with this isn't something that is quickly/easily fixed. Another coworker is someone that she's close to - I was surprised that she hadn't confided in her.

I figure that I'll be hearing about her evening. How she is 'managing' that 'weekends only' drinking. She's gotta figure it out on her own.